Loss Of My Mother

[Haley]

Hi

I am very new to this whole thing I am going through alot and feel so alone and nobody to talk to that will not judge me. My name is Haley and i have just lost my mom on April 9th 2006 and her birthday was 2 days later on the 11th of April and than Easter and than Mothers day and than to go on two weeks later my grandmother (my mom's mom)who live next door to my mom and was my mom's best friend and mine left she had to go to New York and live next to her other daughter so she left me she said that she did not want to but sence I was a single mom of 3 boys and had a full time job and she is 86 she needed to go. and than to go even futher 2 weeks later my sister (my best friend)and her family left to move to Maryland to better there life and I have one other sister who came to me and is leaving real soon with her two boys who I am very close to also. I have my 3 boys which are the world to me and I am freezing up fast cause I do not no how to handle the pain I have been through tough times but not like this and with my mom I have never dealt with passing before, and boy I am on the verge of going nuts any advice on how to get over all this please help Lost in Florida:

Thanks for taking the time out to listen.

[dpodesta]

Haley,

I have not lost a parent yet, however I lost my wife on April 6th of this year. I am sure that the pain is very similar. There is a post that I just came from titled "I feel so lost and alone" in the group of Loss of Spouse/ siginifgant other, that hits the nail on the head as far as all of this is normal if there is a such thing anymore in out situations. What I do know is that there are a lot of people on this site that are here for you, they have helped me a lot since I joined a couple of weeks ago. What has helped me a lot and continues to help me is talk about your mom and her death to as many people that will listen, it will help with the reaility of the loss. It will take time for the greiving process to take place, unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight, I wish it did. I wish that I could fast forward time to a year or so from now, still have the memorys and expericences but just not have to go through them one hour at a time. I am still smack dab in the middle of the feelings of loss and hopelessness. I will pray that things will get better for you as time passes, I am sure it will.

Derek

[KathyD]

Haley,

I'm so sorry for your loss, I too lost a parent for the first time in late March (in other words my first lost also) and had no idea what to do. The people on this board are wonderful since I think a lot of us have found that even those that are close to us don't really understand what we are going through. Everyone has a different way of coping and I don't know why your sisters have chosen to move at this time but believe me you aren't alone in this experience. There isn't any set way to get over grief - I keep hoping there is something I can do to make it end but have realized that it will take its own course - and all you can do is take it day by day. There are some great books out there (I bought one called "How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies") that can be helpful when you wonder whether your reactions are normal...for the most part whenever you feel as though you are going crazy you're really not. You're grieving and the emotions, physical experiences, etc. vary by person. I wish I could give you some advice but I'm still in the early grieving process too and am confused by a lot of things. I guess keep posting on this board, it's been very helpful to me as a lot of the people I thought I could rely on have if anything made life harder (not conciously).

Take care,

Kathy

[Haley]

Kathy

Thanks

And you are right I have no idea on how to go on alls I do is cry and have turned my life off and have put up a wall so I can try to not get hurt anymore like this anymore I have to pass by my moms place daily like 3-4 times and my grandma's also. I am not much of a reader I have started working out at 4:30 in the mornings and that is getting old also cause I take the anger with me but hey thanks for taking the time out to reply and hope to talk to you again

Haley

PS if you need some one to talk to i am agreat listener

[shell]

Haley,

I am so sorry for your losses, not only your mom, but the others leaving you too. That adds a lot of extra pain and feelings of loneliness that you feel when someone dies. You sure didn't need all of that too! As far as putting up a wall, that's normal. Crying all the time is normal. Anger is normal. So don't worry that you are going crazy. You will experience tons of emotions, but it will get better, it will get more manageable. Unfortunaltely, it just takes time and sometimes can feel like nothing is ever going to change or get better, but it will. Just take the time to grieve and feel however you feel and you will work your way through it all.

Hang in there and let us know how you are doing,

Shell

June 8 @ 8:24 am:

Shell

Thanks I hope so I am so lost and alone and all I hate the world. I am going to counceling tonight I have to do something I am afraid that I am going to start pushing the ones in my life still away even though they are not family they are all I have and do not want to lose them. I have my 3 boys and I feel as if I just yell all the time cause I am stressed about all this and I have a great guy I think in my life and I can somewhat talk to him but I feel as if I am being a baby talking about it and crying about it all the time to him. I am the only one that has been over to my moms house and my grandma's house also to clean it up. I also don't understand how they can just go on like that with there lifes see not to drag on my problems but I also have there problems to deal with when something goes wrong they all call me and I help them out in every way and than that is added on to my stress. i am not the oldest child nor am I the youngest I am glad I can try to what I can for them but it hurts me harder when I can not fix it and all this is going on all at once. Ya know a huge hug once in a while and some one just to let me cry on there shoulder would be nice but I try to be to strong of a person I don't want people to see my weak side how can I stop all this pain and still go on and be happy I have always been a go getter person nothing would bring me down I mean I have been through tough times trust me from my son getting kidnapped to me getting ran over by a truck but thats besides the point this is about my mom and my family leaving me sorry to run off at the mouth but thanks for listening

Haley

[Jester]

Hi, Haley:

I know I can't type anything that will make you feel better instantly like magic, nor can I type anything that you haven't heard before, like time will make things better, you gotta be strong, etc.

I lost my mom on April 19th, and I have spent a lot of time looking for answers I need, and after many long hours I found this website, and it made me feel a bit better instantly knowing this is a place where you can type and no one will avoid or change the subject because people here want to discuss this, otherwise they would go to another website. It helps to know there are people you can talk to, and it also helps knowing that if so many people are struggling and surviving their losses, then why wouldn't you?

Be strong, and good luck with your grief, I hope it lasts not a minute more than what is needed.

[SueSue]

I am an orphan. And I do not like it. I have adjusted to my dad's loss, since it has been 34 years. But lost Mom just six months ago and I cannot get over it. I know everyone must die, but I will never escape the feeling that Mom's doctor did not take Mom's complaints seriously. I LOVE YOU MOM

[shell]

SueSue,

All the what-ifs, huh? I sometimes wonder if my dads doctor did right by him too. I think it's something that you will always feel and wonder about and I have no answer about how to get over that. The only thing I can TRY to do is believe in fate, that everything happens when it's suppose to and there is no stopping it. Not much help to make one feel better, but all I can come up with to try to "rationalize" it all. I'm so sorry for your losses.

Hang in there.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[fem27syd]

Hi SueSue,

I think feeling or knowing that your mum dying was possibly avoidable is one of the hardest things. I feel similar about some of the diagnoses and medical treatment surrounding both my parents deaths to cancer. My mums doctor failed to pick that her already terminal breast cancer had spread to her lungs and instead treated her for a regular sore throat. My dad had survived bowel cancer and was having regular check ups, which were gradually being spaced further apart, when he was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. This was 12 years ago for dad and 10 years ago for mum.

I was still a teenager when they died and many details about their illnesses were not given to me at the time. Consequently over the years with each new bit of information or just from thinking back on their illnesses and deaths as I got older, i believe i have grieved afresh for each new "if only" or "what if?". ...What if we demanded more regular check ups for dad? What if mum wasn't so worried about dad and got diagnosed before it was too late for her? What if everyone was more educated about cancer back then? What if i wasn't a kid and could have done something?

I guess what i am trying to say is that i think as well as grieving for my loss as a daughter, and the loss for the world without them, and for them knowing their lives were cut short, there is also a kind of grieving for the waste of it all, the hopelessness, and the unknown of all the "if onlys" and "what ifs". ...These thoughts just by themselves have taken up a good many teary nights for me of their own accord and i think, like grieving because of how much you miss your mum, they also deserve whatever time and grieving they need as well. ....In other words... I'd say give those thoughts about your mum's treatment their own time and space when they need it however painful it might be as pushing them aside (like bottling up any emotions) might prove more harmful. My guess is venting about it here is a good place to start.

Hope I've made some kind of sense I am still trying to work through all this stuff as i write it... but I wish your mum and dad were still here for you and mine were here for me too.

take care xoxox

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

First of all I just want to say that I am very sorry for all your losses, and the loss of my mom has changed me forever.I lost my mom in April of 2005, I miss her so very much. I miss her so much that I feel like I am numb all over and than there are days that I am a little better and do not miss her much at all.. Take care all and God Bless you All Shelley

[Trudy1964]

Hi,

I am new to this. I lost my Mom on July 16. We found out she had cancer June 21. We buried her 4 weeks to the day that we found out about the cancer. Everyone keeps telling me that we have so many great memories and I know that we do. Right now I just can't seem to see them for the grief and the big gaping hole I have in my heart. I cycle between uncontrolable crying to being in denial. I feel like she is on vacation sometimes. I'm still waiting for her to come back. Thanks for listening.

Trudy

[STARKISS]

Hi Trudy1964,

Welcome to the website , I hope here you will find peace and help with your grief journey. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and also died four weeks to the day... I will pray for you and take care Shelley

[shell]

Trudy,

I, too, lost my father 4 weeks after he found out he had cancer. When it is so unexpected and fast, it is just unbelievable. You can't believe they are truly gone. Like you said, you keep thinking they are just away and will come home. I'm so sorry for your loss. Right now you are in shock and numb, but it will change and you will start to figure out how to heal. Right now, just try to go with your feelings and take care of yourself.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[lorikelly]

Hi Trudy

I am so sorry that you had to come to this website but am happy that you found it. it helps me alot. i lost my mom on July 3,2006 and still can't believe it. i think it is a dream and i will wake up or i just try to push it from my mind so i don't have to think about it. we can only take one day at a time, my grief counseler said try to take 20 mins at a time and each day a min or so longer. thats what i try to do. i think about it all day and night. i will pray that for all of us this will get better.

[Trudy1964]

Hi Lorikelly,

That is exactly how I feel. Sometimes I feel like I just can't breath, it is so overwelming. I can't sleep at night. I am having bad headaches. I feel like I am going crazy. I like the idea of 20 minutes at a time because sometimes a day seems like it is just too long without her. My birthday was August 8. I just didn't want it to happen. It was just too painful without her. I can't even begin to imagine what the holidays are going to be like. Everyone tries to be kind and say at least we have good memories and we do. I am so thankful for those. But right now, I only feel sadness. I'm glad to know I'm normal. Thanks for listening.

Trudy

[Trudy1964]

Shell, Lorikelly, Starkiss,

Thanks so much for listening. You guys seem to know exactly where I am right now. Nobody in my house talks about her. I feel like they have all forgotten about her already yet, she is all I think about. I feel like I am going crazy.

Thanks again,

Trudy

[shell]

Trudy,

You are not going crazy...although it does feel like that! I'm sorry nobody will talk about her. That is rough and so unfair. Even though it's not the same as talking to people who knew her, you can come here and talk about her. I really like hearing about the people that the posters have lost. It gives me a wonderful image of their loved one. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

[lorikelly]

Well i had a really bad night last night. the day was ok went to work and then went shopping with my sons and husband. we then went to mass and i was fine.. went to dinner at applebees and i was eating dinner and lost it. the emotions just hit me like a brick i couldn't wait to leave. i calmed down until we got in the door and that was it. i was hysterical and then had such a anxiety attack. i think it didn't help that i was so physically exhausted haven't slept well due to grief and my dog who is getting up alot due to his lasix for CHF. i would get up 100 times for him as long as i don't lose him. anyway i became hysterical the sobbing wouldn't stop couldn't breath and for that moment i just wanted to lay me head down and die. i did have to take a xanax which i don't like taking but i needed it b/c i was so bad. it calmed me down and then i watched a movie with my family . when i went into bed it hit me again and i just prayed so hard for God to help me. i finally started reading my book Orphaned Adults and fell asleep. does this happen to others? where you think you are ok and wham. i then start obsessing about all the things i should of done differently and then that guilt takes over. i am not sure how often i can go through this, it has been 8 weeks today that my mom is gone. i was screaming last night why did you have to leave. i wish for so many things and i just don't want to feel that way again.. thanks for listening. lori

[shell]

Lorikelly,

Eight weeks is just such a short time! My mom and I could not have done any of the things you did after 8 weeks. So, you are doing better than you think! You had a meltdown....nothing to be alarmed or emabarrassed or feel crazy about. And wanting to just lay down and die is a common feeling for many of us, I'm sure. The only thing I'm wondering about is if you should take your xanax on a regular basis. I take Lexapro every day and know I'm not suppose to skip it. It can make the anxiety come back and even stronger. I don't know if this is true about xanax, but you might check with your doctor about this. Grief and exhaustion are enough to deal with. Having anxiety attacks also is just too too much fuel added to the fire! Believe me, I know!

Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

[Trudy1964]

Lorikelly,

You are not crazy. I am at the six week mark right now. Monday for me was really really bad. Sometimes it feels like I have voices in my head SCREAMING "she's gone". And yes, it hits me also at the most unexpected times. Sunday my siblings came over for my brothers b-day. I was fine Sunday but Sunday night and Monday were horrible because she should have been here with us. I knew my Mom so well that I knew when the phone should have been ringing for her to come to my house. I like the idea of taking 20 minutes at a time because sometimes 24 hours is more than I can think of without her. Gook Luck and I'll keep praying for us all to have strength.

God Bless,

Trudy

[STARKISS]

Hi Trudy1964,

The reason why I sound like I know where you are is because I am going through similar situations... My family does not talk about mom or dad anymore and I want to and need to talk about them... I hope you are okay today and Take care Shelley

[john schwendler]

HI.

I am new to this board. Thank goodness for Hospice and its angels. My mom died March 29th after battling ovarian cancer for 7 years. I sold my home a year ago and moved downstate to Phx to spend her last year, almost, with her, visiting her almost daily and talking on the phone constantly. I quit my job the first week of March and was in the room the afternoon that she took her last breath. There was a Hospice angel there and I wondered why, and it was only later that this lady knew it was Mom's last hours. She never interfered with me but was there to declare time of death and then slipped out of the room and let me cry.

I am 55, divorced, no children, one cat, and gainfully employed again, but it has been a hellish summer. Not until I got on the Hospice Bereavement Page last night for the first time, did I actually understand that I was grieving, or at least going through the early stages. I put my life on hold for Mom, and when she left I did most activities that are on the grief checklists: moved away, bought a home in another state, upset stomach, irritability, loss of sleep, stress, lost ten pounds so far, two consecutive weekends in the local ER being treated for stress, confused, no one to talk to, moved out of the home I had bought and returned to AZ, with the help of a friend. My Dad died 31 years ago and I pretty much handled his sudden passing in the same manner. It took counseling to learn how to grieve and what was going on with me. I learned then that the mind and body are connected, irrevocably. Feelings must be met and addressed head on, no two ways about it. It is painful, and should never be done alone. Actually I don't think it can be done alone. I have emailed the staff here asking to be allowed to sign up for a grief support meeting on Thursday evenings and I hope they respond to me on Tuesday after Labor Day holiday. I called a friend on the phone yesterday and she was out, but her husband answered. We started talking football, and the first time he mentioned Mom I started balling, and you know what, I felt okay after I hung up. I cried at least three different times during the call. I realized then that it was all bottled up inside me, and I had to learn to let it out. Crying is good, crying is healthy, and I may be crying for quite awhile. I also have pretty much ignored the existence of a God since I was about 16, and I am starting to realize that he has been beside me anyway all this time. So there is that journey of reconciliation as well. I think it will help knowing I can turn my problems over to someone else. I have been on this sight almost ten minutes, and just typing this babble of mine has helped. I will continue to visit here and I hope to be able to talk with many of you. My parents adopted me when I was 15 months old. I feel so lost without her, and me an educated adult. Strange.

John

Lori, hi, John, 55, in Phx, AZ. Yes, it has happened to me as well. I decided to write when I read your part about being on Xanax. I too was prescribed a tranquilizer and since it is not renewable I take them sparingly. I am trying not to take them at all but I have no problem taking one if I need it. Yes, it is strange how our minds work. I can sit and be reading the paper and have to lay back and think peaceful thoughts, and then resume the paper reading, or whatever it is I am doing. My stomach is upset about half the time, just when i thought it had settled down. I am tired, too, a lot of the time. I hope you are getting counseling and talking to other people in and out of your family. I am going to go to a bereavement support group this Thursday for the first time and I sure do think it will help. As I read through these other posts here, it is clear the grieving process will take quite awhile. That in itself is somewhat comforting, as I really want it to end NOW. But that is not how grieving works, unfortunately. You are fortunate to have a built-in support system of husband and sons to lean on and keep you busy.

Hang in there, you are not alone,

John

[Penny1]

Welcome to the board John

Sorry for your loss.... we all know what you have to live with for we are living the same nightmare...

When you need to vent, this is the place, when you need someone to listen, this is the place, when you need a shoulder to cry on... yup this is the place...

The people on this site will help you through your toughest moments and greatest challenges in your grieving journey...they are all angels....

Keep posting....

take care

[lorikelly]

Hi John

I am sorry that you have to be one of us. i wish none of us had to go through this pain. it is like a roller coaster and you feel like you just caught your breath and then down you go again. i have been screaming let me off. i want it to end.

I am glad that you see God is with you, this is the only thing that has kept me going. i just came from the rosary and benediction at our parish and i cried the entire time but felt better that i did. just keep believing and he will see us all through,

I have wanted to go to a support group but have really not looked for one. i work evenings and sunday am most of the meetings are during the week at night, maybe i will try to look for one

I can really say that this site has helped me alot, i don't feel alone and i know that someone else feels what i am feeling. keep coming back.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. lori

[shell]

John,

Welcome to the site. I am so sorry for your loss. I have to say that I am so proud of the men who post here that took care of their loved ones. I have known so many that more or less disappeared when anything like this happened. It gives me comfort to know that there are good, caring and decent men in the world!

Hang in there. I know the support group will help and I hope you keep coming back here. I think you already have a clear view of grieving and will do fine.

Hugs to you,

Shell