My sweet innocent Jackie Lynn

[Shellbell]

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My Jackie started as a Jack.  Skinny little thing came to our patio for leftovers from our 3 indoor cats. She/he hissed every time I tried to pet her/him until one day she let me pet her and it was instant purr and love for both of us.  I kept calling him jack cuz it looked like a jack rabbit but as the days went by her tummy got bigger and bigger and she was now a Jackie.  I told her I was not going to fall in love but alas that was just me trying to protect my heart as I’d just lost an outside kitty we called Thumper (he only had 3 legs) and came with the neighborhood but we fell in love too.  He was attacked one night by a dog but I never did see it...I just saw signs and felt it from the neighbors so I was in no mood to love anymore.  It didn’t stick cuz Jackie communicated with me more than most humans.  She gave me her trust and eventually brought her kittens to us.  We got them all fixed..neighbors were pains about the kitties running around and eventually her daughter we named chloe got hit by a car ..that night I laid down outside on a blanket with her and she hugged my arm. It was heartbreaking as it is reliving her life.  For a year we left the garage open a little and she slept in my car for a year before finally braving the 3 big scary cats in the house. 2 male one female.   I am giving the complete story because it was a slow process to get her to finally become my lap cat.  We assumed she was 6-8 months when we met her and that was 9 years ago.  Took her to vet and of course her throwing up was IBD as one of my other cats had and died from as well

That was just a background on our love ..so she was my little sweetie who lived in doors and got beat up by the other Cat who is nuts....so 8 1/2 years of taking the time to make her a comfortable inside house cat who thought she was queen and walked around confidently she was my love.  On Saturday October 5th we were working on our new bed frames and in the morning she fell asleep on my lap snoring  I let her stay and looked at her knowing how comfortable she was.  I had to get up and that was the last time I held her.  We went about our business and by 3 ish we got into jacuzzi to relax after our hard work.  She was still on the sofa I think or she was on our patio we let her enjoy the air on her favorite chair.  I went upstairs to shower and in the back of my mind I thought I should check on Jackie but I didn’t.  Took my shower got ready to go to dinner by covering up the sofas so gidget  crazy cat wouldn’t pee on them but Jackie hated the sound of plastic and I saw her prance towards the dining area where she sleeps on a chair at night..  I thought to myself again.. don’t go to dinner.. stay home but hubby wanted to go so I didn’t say anything.  I checked the patio to make sure she wasn’t out there and shut the door but didn’t check her chair just assumed she was there. Went to dinner..went to Sams.. came home.  Said hello to cat we have in our garage , called for Jackie,looked under every bed, closets..she wasn’t in and we hadn’t even noticed .. we think she escaped from the patio.  There was a party at the end of the street and my husband was in the mood to crash it.. I looked and looked and still thought she wouldn’t leave her home she’s still in there.  I wasn’t too scared yet I knew when we came back she would come in.  But that night our yard was xtra busy, feral. Arts that we feed, raccoons wanting food.. I. Allied for her..I think she was in the bushes but was too scared with all the action.  My husband went out with flashlights..I called.. so she had done this once before years ago and in the morning came trotting in.  Bella 9(feral we feed) was on the back wall and I felt she was blocking JAckie and called for her but she never came.  I stayed awake till 1;30 keeping screen door open but again I think Bella had her scared.  I woke up at 4;35 and turned alarm off and called for her gently so I didn’t disturb neighbors.. waited a bit and went back to bed.  Woke up at 6;30 and brought my robe down so when she came in we could cuddle.  I turned alarm off but when you open the doors it beeps so at 6;58 I opened the side door and I’m sure she heard it and was feeling safe now that it was light and mom was up but in an instant I saw Bella fly past me and poco make a mad dash in the bushes so naturally I was looking to see where Bella was running from but I didn’t see anything.  I called lib=ghtky for Jackie but nothing... about an hour in a half later with no Jackie I saw the crows gathering up the hill and I knew it was my baby.  It is too far and steep or I would have run but I just knew it was over.  I posted an urgent on Nextdoor and a neighbor said she had video of coyote carrying my sweet baby.  It is the single most devastating thing that had ever happened to me..I think about all the missed opportunities to bring her in.. why didn’t I try harder the night before,why hadn’t I checked for her before going to dinner,why didn’t I go out the back door instead of the side door.  My poor precious innocent girl was just waiting for me to get her in the morning and had no clue to the danger.  I blame her for escaping,I blame me for not being a better mother not getting her in not yelling at her to get in not think on my feet,I blame Bella for blocking her.  She was the most sweet angel and I can only think she wanted me and why was she being attacked.  I cry at least 3 times a day but I have to hide it from my husband because he thinks I need help.  Says I’m not fun for him.  My gut is ripped up my heart Brocken.  People tell me to get another cat but I can’t.  I feel her terror, her questions.  I see her face scared.  I debated on going on the hill to try and get what was left but my husband wouldn’t go with me and I dont know if I could handle it.  It’s been 3 1/2 weeks and I still feel like it just happened.  I needed a place I could go and write my story in hopes there are others who understand.  I want to kill all coyotes...so angry, so sad,I’m mad at everything and everyone including myself.  Sometimes I want her back so bad but I know I’ll never see her again. 

So its now November 19th and I still cry every single day.  I cry because I miss her, it rained today and although I know she can't feel it anymore it breaks my heart she is somewhere on the hill behind my house getting wet and cold.  I tried to find her once but couldnt and decided not seeing her that way is best.  My husband is so sick of me crying I go to another room and wipe my tears.  He thinks I need to see someone and I of course defensive told him he does because he's never shed a tear.  She was my sweet little daughter as I have no children.  

I also cry for guilt.  If I would have known she had gotten out I would have stayed home and not gone to dinner till she came in.  Then we went to a stupid party we werent even invited to and when we came home the raccoons, other cats and everyone was around and knowing my girl she was afraid or she just wanted to stay out --she had done that just once before but we've been here 7 years.  I woke up through the night and called for her, went out one door and of course not the right one, 2:30, called for her gently--but the other cats had blocked her from coming to me.  The guilt is as I just figured out that we have an alarm and when I open a door you can hear it...I opened the door at 6:58 and I'm sure she heard it and thought it was a good time to come in and then I saw two feral cats run for thier lives.  I went to the spot I thought Jackie was at and gently called for her because I didn't want to wake the neighbors,,,, that was at 7:04 --later that day when I posted it my neighbor said she saw the coyote at 7:29 with my baby in its mouth.. and all I keep thinking is if I had been more aggresssive and called her name loudly at least the coyote might have been scared away by my voice but I didn't scream for her..I just let her be--thinking where are you--so my poor baby heard my voice but was too afraid to move and I am so angry with myself I didn't jump up that hill and find her but I didn't know for sure there was a coyote up there and climbing that hill is hard.  I am beating my self up because that dam coyote didn't take her till 7:29 and I was there at 7:04 and didn't hear anything.  I went back in the house with the door open waiting for her till i heard all the crows squwking an hour later up the hill.  

She was my friend.  My baby.  I have 2 ferals in the house but the way she looked at me and trusted me I will never find again.  I miss her terribly

[kayc]

Hi Shellbell, I read your story and responded on my other site, I got a chuckle out of Jack becoming a Jackie, I had a Mickey that turned out to be a Missy once. 

I know the pain of trying to get through this loss, it's very hard to adjust to a life without them, I hate it.  Your cat is beautiful, it's my hope we'll be with them again.  I'm not sure if I'll get a dog again after losing my Arlie, when I adopted him I knew he was "the one" with his beautiful smile and his goofy fun spirit.  And I was right.

Wishing you comfort as you make your way through this, I wish none of us had to experience this tremendous loss.

[shellbell22]

I don't know how to edit my post but it has been a month and a half and I am deep crying every day.  I feel so guilty.  I didn't cause her to leave the patio but I didn't notice her gone before we left for dinner-I didn't cause her not to come in but it was late and I should have stayed home after dinner and  called for her before all the other animals showed off and scared her from entering her own home.  I did check on her at 2"30 in the morning but I went out the wrong door and called for her down the hill when she was in the back of the house on a hill--if I had gone out with a flash light and called for her and left the door open and waited she may have come in.  When I opened the door at 6:58 the stupid door alarm which lets us know if someone is entering our home went off and instead of going out the back of the house I should have gone out the door that lead to the hill,  If I had done that and called her name I might have scared the coyote enough that she may have come down the hill to me.  What I had thought was that the coyote had chased her but now I realize at 7:00 he was spooked into our yard by a neighbor walking his dog and I had opened the door at 6"58--If I had just gone out the right door I might have been able to call for her but I didn't--the only way I suspected anything was because the other two cats were running---being too careful for my neighbors I didn't want to wake I never yelled for her.  I just gently spoke her name where I thought she might be.  I now realize she probably heard me but was afraid to speak as she probably was being hovered over by that coyote.--she was killed in her own back yard and I did nothing..... I didnt see her, I didn't hear her but I knew something was amiss and I blame myself for not yelling for her or going out the right door or looking for her the night before --could have been prevented.... I feel she wanted me to come save her as I had always done with the cat inside but she didn't cry---nothing that I heard and then I went in the house leaving the door open so she could come in if she wanted--she didn't have the chance as my neighbor saw the coyote with her in its mouth at 7:29--which means she suffered 25 min-----I am sick about it and although I couldn't control her behavior nor the coyotes nor the other outside cats I could have done more.... I cry for missing her and I cry for all the guilt I carry.. I am miserable....

[kayc]

You just click on "edit" at the bottom of your post, add or delete what you want, then click save at the bottom.

20 hours ago, shellbell22 said:

she was killed in her own back yard and I did nothing

shellbell, you are being really hard on yourself (as we do), you did not know what was going on and therefore are not responsible for what happened!  Any of us would do everything we could for our pets, we love them more than anything!  According to this reasoning, my dog got cancer and I did nothing to stop it.  Truth be known, the vet missed it on his physical even though his glands were swollen.  He should have had routine blood work done at least at age 10 but they didn't call for it.  He was 11 1/3 when they discovered it, and 11 1/2 when he died.  By the time I knew, he was inoperable, and he had lymphoma as well as a tumor in the crucial area of the body, where all the organs come together...his liver non-functioning, his kidneys affected.  Am I to blame for his death?  No, and neither are you.  Coyotes and other predators can come at any time, I've lost two cats to cougars.  You tried to keep her in, protected, but sometimes that's hard to do.  My cats have known outdoors before they came to me, it's pretty hard to change them years into it...they are relentless in their wanting outside and extremely vocal!

I understand your crying every day, I did that for three months but finally am only crying on occasion now, although the triggers still hit continually.  This is something it's going to take a long time to adjust to, he was in my life for 10 1/2 years, my partner/companion, best friend, the joy of my life.  I don't know how I'll get through the holidays or this winter without him.

She would not necessarily have suffered the full 25 minutes...they usually go into shock when they're grabbed by them, it has a way of protecting them from what's happening, my only consolation for the two cats I lost.

I am so sorry.  I can't talk you out of the guilt you feel, but I pray you forgive yourself and extend the same understanding and compassion to yourself that you would to a friend going through something similar.  (((hugs)))

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml 

[MartyT]

See also Pet Loss: Coping with The Trauma of An Accidental Death ❤️