Mom recently diagnosed with 3 lung cancer

[dcr]

Last month my mother who lives in the USA, was recently diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. She & I, had been physically distant for many years. I had many years of therapy to undo some of the issues between us. After those years, we spoke by telephone. In my mind, we had become estranged as parent/ son but became much like friends. I am married, living in Europe, for economic reasons I cannot return to see her.
Since we've been talking during the last three years she has told me of her recent diagnosis. They give her a year. She has elected hospice. She will not be treated with chemo, I don't really blame her.

Now, I find myself feeling anxious after the shock. I feel fear for her that is connected to my own mortality. I'm 56 years old. She has expressed that she wants to continue living as if she doesn't have cancer. I honor that. She doesn't wish to talk about her illness because it makes her anxious. However, I have no one to talk to and there are no support groups available it the city. This compounds the anxiety. There is fearfulness, depression about her death. I feel like I'm losing it sometimes. I don't want to burden my partner with the same old story when he asks me why I behave the way I do. If this goes on, I'll push folks away because if I can't tolerate my own feelings, how can anybody else? I was awake last night picturing her and sobbing. But my husband was in the other room. I'm trying to study a new language to take a test but I cannot concentrate. There's a part of me dying and when she finally goes, I don't know how I will end up. My other half doesn't know what to do and has emotionally checked out. Things are falling apart. I'm struggling to keep a perspective, but fall short of anger, sometimes denial- then, guilt that I can't be there. I worry about him. I've thought about antidepressants but that's a horrible cycle of "polypharmacy" I don't want to be trapped in,  many of my friends in the USA are struggling to get off of them. The other terrible feeling is that SHE is the one who is facing this and all this s*** I'm writing is just all about me and I feel guilt-stricken about that!

[MartyT]

My friend, the complicated feelings and reactions you describe in the face of your mother's terminal diagnosis are worthy of exploring. You say you've had many years of therapy "to undo some of the issues" between you and your mother ~ so you already recognize how helpful such therapy can be. You say that since you cannot tolerate your own feelings, neither can anybody else ~ yet that is precisely why you would do well to consider seeking the support and guidance that a qualified therapist can provide. I urge you to get going in that direction, because you are worth it and you deserve it. ❤️

[kayc]

1 hour ago, dcr said:

SHE is the one who is facing this and all this s*** I'm writing is just all about me and I feel guilt-stricken about that!

She may be the one with the lung cancer but YOU also are going through this journey with her so please lay aside any thoughts of guilt about that if you can.  This is also your experience.  I'm sorry you feel you have no one to unburden yourself too.  I don't know what the counseling situation is like in Europe.  Is there perhaps someone who does phone counseling if you have no one nearby you?  I hope you won't think me loopy, but prayer/meditation can help us calm and and enter into a more peaceful state that can help you with your studies and acceptance of what is.  I know this is hard.  My own mother was highly abusive and mentally had many issues, it was a struggle dealing with her but by the time she reached stage 4 dementia, I'd made my peace with her.  She never apologized for how she treated us growing up or otherwise, but I've found that forgiveness doesn't depend on them, but on doing what is best for us in our lives.

Have you tried sharing your thoughts/feelings with your partner and they're unable to deal with them?  Perhaps broaching it in such a way that you want to further your closeness through this experience might help them view it differently and try??  I put a question mark because that's up to him, but often how we approach it with them can make a difference...not always though, it's worth a try.

You do have us here, we're listening, I hope you know that.  I lost my husband 14 1/2 years ago and this place was here to save my life, seriously, I had not a clue how to handle it, he was barely 51 and it was a shock.  I've been here ever since, I want to be here for others the way people were here for me when I most needed it.

I hope your mom isn't in denial about her condition, and that this is her chosen way to handle it.  I think given her age it might be my way to handle it too, but I guess you never know until you're there facing it.  Hospice will be good to be there for her and I hope that gives you some peace.

 

[dcr]

KayC, thanks so much for your input and response.

My mother is not in denial about her condition. She's expressed her approach as her way to live and cope during her process. Her hospice nurse is going to be in contact with me and she has some very close friends there to reach out to.

The therapy thing here is a bit costly and I haven't excluded that possibility. I'm managing my affect with writing, exercise, and doing anything creative to put it out of me as something I can look at and name. There are long buried feelings that have arisen that I have trouble tolerating and it drains me. Sometimes I have to be and allow these feelings to happen and that's the best I can do until there's a lull. So before it gets to be too much- anticipation, I am setting this forum up to listen and help myself along.

[dcr]

Thank you MartyT,

I haven't ruled out a therapist. I'm searching for someone affordable to work with me, that might be covered here. I have to make it clear to them that I don't want a prescriber.

These issues were renamed, reorganized. I didn't mention here that I also had a treatment for liver pre-cancer that was fiscally unattainable in the USA. But I received it here and after three years there are some residual effects. I'm cured. I didn't want to muddle this with my mother. Her passing is symbolic and has unearthed some deep pain (long distance longing to touch), fear of loss, and fear of death.

The Elizabeth Kubler Ross parts of death - is part of my anticipation in this but not all of it because it hasn't happened yet. My mom, is really the last to go for me.
So, As I mentioned in KayC's response to her message, is that I'm doing all I can to keep an open perspective but allow others in for support before it gets too hairy- if it does.
 

 

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, dcr said:

The Elizabeth Kubler Ross parts of death - is part of my anticipation in this but not all of it because it hasn't happened yet.

Those of us working in the field of thanatology (death, dying and bereavement) have learned a great deal about grief since Kubler-Ross's ground-breaking book, On Death and Dying, which was published in 1969 ~ fifty years ago! You are experiencing Anticipatory Grief (among other things) and I invite you to do some reading about it so you'll know better what to expect, and what you might do to manage your own reactions. See:

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

Should Our Dad Be Told That He’s Dying?

Grief: Understanding The Process

Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief

Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter?

[dcr]

Thanks Marty for this material. I read all of it.  I totally get it. That's why I'm here. All of the Anticipatory Grief signs describe me to a T. 

I only discovered who Kubler Ross was about 20 years ago when I saw the film about Lenny Bruce. 

Grief work can be done through private activities such as exercising, reading and writing, and with others through talking, participating in bereavement counseling or finding support in a group. It is an active rather than a passive process, not only of coming to terms with your loss, but also of finding meaning in it as well, so both the painful experience of your loved one’s death and your life without that person will count for something.

Edited November 22, 2019 by dcr
left out a phrase.

[kayc]

It's good that your mom was able to make a conscious decision on how to handle her situation.  My MIL discontinued chemo when she had cancer (it was spread throughout) yet lived nearly three years after (she was bedridden as it caused her bones to break), I was her caregiver.  It was a very difficult and yet very special time with her.  She was amazing, she took everything as it came, stoically.  Hospice was wonderful, we couldn't have done it without them.  I'm glad she has good support where she is.

17 hours ago, dcr said:

Grief work can be done through private activities such as exercising, reading and writing, and with others through talking, participating in bereavement counseling or finding support in a group. It is an active rather than a passive process, not only of coming to terms with your loss, but also of finding meaning in it as well, so both the painful experience of your loved one’s death and your life without that person will count for something.

Spot on!  I even used art expression.  I love Dr. Phil and he is a big advocate in lending meaning to tragedy so that it counts for something.