Dealing With Multiple Deaths

[dreamer]

This is my first visit here, and I'm hoping to find help for myself and my family. We are dealing with several devastating loses. Three years ago,my mother-in-law passed away rather unexpectedly. My sister-in-law dropped in at her home, and found her mom unconcious, having suffered a severe heart attack, followed by a massive stroke. She never regained conciousness. It has only been in the past year that my husband and I were even able to talk about her...at all.

A year ago, I received an email from the son of a long time internet pen-pal. He wrote to tell me that his mother had passed away while corresponding with friends over the internet. This lady was around 20 years older than I, but we had become very close. We sent each other pictures of our families, and confided many things to each other. I could tell her things I couldn't talk to my own mother about.

Not long after my friend passed, I began to notice that our family dog was beginning to display behaviors that I had not seen in her since she was a puppy. P.J. was 12 years old, and as it turned out, this was the beginning of a serious illness. Within a couple of months, my beautiful 80lb dog had lost half of her body weight, and was no longer able to stand without assistance. My husband and I took turns lovingly taking her outside whenever she needed to go, and carrying her back inside. Despite the best efforts of everyone involved in her care, we were forced to put our beloved pet down this past fall, in order to prevent any further suffering. Our hearts were ripped out. It felt almost like losing a child. Our daughter was distraught as we were.

I was just beginning to be able to talk about her without crying, when tragedy struck again.

One eveing in late February, my husband aproached me saying he had tried to call his father all day, but was unable to reach him. Dad was always a free spirit, and frequently "disappeared" for as many as 3 or 4 days without a word. This time, I had a bad feeling. We got in the car and drove to his house, where we found him. My husband had spoken to his him 2 days earlier. Dad had apparently passed shortly after that phone call. My husband, our daughter and I are all completely devastated. I must point out that my father-in-law was more of a father to me than my own father ever was. We are all having a hard time coping this time. To make matters worse,I'm completey stressed at work. I'm having memory problems, and moments where I lose control. A few days ago, I woke up after having dreamed I was told my dog was dying. This set everything off and I cried half the day. I spent the rest of the day nursing a head ache. I feel like I'm letting my family down, by not taking better care of them, but inside, I go back and forth between heavy bouts of grief and feeling overwhelmed and frazzled. The only person I could ever talk to about all of this was my pen-pal. Can someone out there help?

[shell]

Dreamer,

I lost my uncle (who I loved very much) the beginning of January of last year. My dad became sick about two weeks later and died in February. Both were totally unexpected. A week later my moms cousin died, a week after that one of our cats died unexpectedly (and for us, too, it was like losing a child) and then a few weeks later a dear family friend died. So, I can totally relate to what you are going through. It is so unbelievable and you feel like your world is falling apart. You're numb and confused and can't stop crying. All of this is normal, including the memory problems and loss of control. The only thing I can tell you is that it just takes time to come out of the fog and gain some control over everything. And I hate to say this, but it takes a lot of time, usually, so hang in there. I'm sure your family understands why you aren't "taking better care of them" so try not to worry about that. Actually, just talking to them about your feelings might help.

I'm so sorry for your losses and the terrible pain you are going through. Just let your feelings come out and cry and cry if you want to. Getting it all out is the best advice I can offer. Keep coming back to the site and vent all you want, it has really helped a lot of us. Also, just take one day at a time, or even one hour at a time.

Hugs to you and your family,

Shell

[dreamer]

Shell,

Thank you for writing. I'm very sorry to hear about your losses as well. It must have been terrible for you. It really helps to know someone can relate.

After I posted my message last night, my sister-in-law called. Our niece was in an auto accident. She lost control of her Jeep and rolled it 3 times. Thankfully, the roll bar and her seat belt saved her life; she walked away with bumps and bruises. A little over a year ago, her brother, who was a soldier in Iraq was in a convoy which was attacked by a suicide bomber. Although half of his face was destroyed in the blast, he survived. He couldn't be more beautiful to me.

I think you're right about telling others how I feel. I explained to my family that I'm feeling very fragile right now, and I acknowledged that they probably feel the same. I hadn't realized it, but we had begun to be a little "snappish" with one another. Today, I noticed that we are all being just a little bit sweeter to each other.

I also talked to my co-workers about it today. I wasn't looking for sympathy, but rather, some understanding. Too many people think we should just "get over it" and "get on with it".

I can tell by the things you said in your letter that you are still very much in the process, which is understandable. I appreciate very much, how you reached through your own pain to help me with mine.

I wish you and your family peace.

Dreamer

[shell]

Dreamer,

It's great that you talked to your family and co-workers. My brother and I live with my mom and we, too, have been "snappish" with each other. I just realized tonight that it's so hard to try to be "happy" and normal and I think being around each other is like walking on eggshells, in a way. We are all trying to get on with life and not burden each other with our grief. We do talk about it, but at the same time we are trying to heal and it is very exhausting. I think that's why so many people sort of want to be alone at times, so we can just take off the mask and feel.

I am so sorry about your nephew. My dad was in the Air Force, so I truly appreciate the men who are fighting in Iraq. I'm also relieved to hear your neice was ok. Seems like when it rains, it pours, huh? And sometimes you feel like you can't find a big enough umbrella!

Keep up the good work and just hang in there, moment by moment.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[Joe]

Dreamer,

I can understand. This is my first visit. I am also looking for some help in dealing with a multiple death situaiton. My Fathers sister(Rose), died three weeks ago tonight, and my Father died three weeks ago tomorrow.

I keep telling myself they are in a better place without suffering and no illness and they are singing and dancing without their oxygen and my Aunt can see again. the pain is therere and real. Cry as one of the other people had posted. Let it out. Know you are not alone.

[lil kid]

MULTIPLE LOSSES ARE EXTREMLY DIFFICULT, TO SAY THE LEAST. MY DAD GOT INTO A MOTORCYLE ACCIDENT ON MY PARENTS 33RD WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. HE WAS ON LIFE SUPPORT IN ANOTHER STATE, WHILE HERE AT HOME, MY GRANDMOTHER (MOM'S MOM) DIED IN FRONT OF OUR EYES ONE WEEK LATER. AFTER REELING FROM THAT, MY UNCLE (MOM'S OLDER BROTHER) DIED IN HIS LIVING ROOM OF SOMETHING "UNUSUAL" (WE WILL NEVER KNOW, DUE TO MY AUNT HAVING HIM CREMATED-NO AUTOPSY)...THAT HAPPENED ONE YR LATER....I FEEL MOSTLY FOR MY MOTHER IN ALL OF THIS. TO LOSE YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR MOTHER, YOUR BROTHER IN A SPAN OF 1 1/2 YRS, IS TOO MUCH. I DONT KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT, BUT I DO KNOW THAT WHEN I CALL HER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY & SHE'S IN BED WATCHING T.V. & EATING CHEETOS, SHE'S IN A BAD WAY. WHAT CAN YOU DO, REALLY? NOTHING...JUST RIDE THE WAVE, I SUPPOSE & BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER. BE IN TUNE WITH THOSE AROUND YOU WHO CAN RELATE....THIS IS A GREAT FORUM FOR THAT, I THINK. JUST A SMALL ATTEMPT AT WRAPPING OUR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER, PRAYING FOR GUIDANCE....

[Kasey06]

Dealing with multiple deaths is so hard. For me, I have kinda become freaked out about death. I can't help but think, 'whose next?'. In a period of just over 4 years I have lost 3 grandparents and my mom and I just turned 23. As a result I don't have much family left. It's hard, you don't really get time to fully grieve for one person and deal with it. With multiple deaths it's so much more complicated. For me the pain and emptiness is so much more pronounced. Most of the time I am just kinda in shock and all that has happened and where my life has turned out so far. It's gets so hard to keep going. I would start to get going again after losing someone just to have it happen again and again. I get sick of starting over again. With each person you lose it's like a piece of you dies as well, you change. Life can never be like it was. I would give anything to go back 5 years and have my family all alive still but of course that isn't possible.

[Joe]

Kasey,

I can totally understand where you are coming from. I lost my Aunt one night (5/28/06 8:30pm), and my Father the next morning(5/26/06 9:17am). There are times when I cry and I am not sure if crying for one or the other or both. Hard as it is we must all try to go on. No, life will never be the same but we must try to go on living life to the fullest we can. Use the happy times to get us through.

Death is never easy even in cases of illness(or at least in my experiences). Yes a part of you goes with them but on the other side of the coin, a part of the person is still with you forever. Perhaps a favorite song, tradition, favorite place. They (that person), is still with you through the memories kept alive and cherished.

I wish you strength to keep going. I can say I have my good and bad as I am sure everyone does. I am told that it does get better with time.

Know you are not alone and that you are cared for. (hugs).

Joe

[shell]

Kasey and Joe,

It is hard with multiple deaths and what you said made me realize that I, too, will cry sometimes without knowing exactly who I'm crying over. I guess all of them! And, Kasey, I got freaked out about death too. I felt like a huge black cloud was following me around. So I know what you mean. And also that you get so tired from trying to "recover" from one death and then another one happens. It's enough to do you in! But, like Joe pointed out, we just have to go on. Take one day at a time and try to be do anything that will cheer us up, even if it lasts for a minute!

Hang in there everyone, it will get better.

Shell