Lost

[Erendi]

Hi everyone. Ive been reading through so many posts trying to find some sort of comfort but I'm still going through a hard time. My ex boyfriend and I met in June and started a relationship soon after. Towards the beginning of our relationship his mother was diagnosed with brain abscesses but he didn't tell me about it until August. We were in a long distance relationship and our Christmas plans came to a halt when his mom was hospitalized in late October. I tried to give him as much support as I could and he would always tell me how much he loves me and appreciates me. He would still joke around and we would make the effort to talk as much as possible. His mom died on November 24th. Just that morning he was telling me he loved me and everything was normal when suddenly all contact got cut off. I only found out about his mom's death from his sister's Facebook post thanking everyone for their prayers.

A few days later he said he didn't want to hurt me but he wanted space. I said I understood and wanted to be there for him. I didn't contact him for two weeks until he posted a relatively normal video of him working out and I responded. We had a short conversation and then he didn't answer for a few days. When he finally responded he said he feels like I'm waiting for him and that I'm too good a person and deserve much better. So I said i was willing to wait because I loved him and wanted to help in any way I could. He said that with what just happened now he doesn't want a relationship. He believes I can't be happy with him but deserve happiness.

I was heartbroken and cried for what felt like hours. I messaged his sister asking her to take care of him and sending a lot of love to their family. Then I removed him and his sister from my social media so I could start assessing my own emotions. The next morning he asked me what I sent her and was mad that I contacted her. I told him I'd leave him alone and he apologized. He said that what's happening doesn't mean he doesn't love me or want me in his life he just doesn't want a relationship. I said i needed to take time for myself too because I couldn't process anything anymore. I told him I wanted him in my life and would be there for him and he said thank you and that he understood. We haven't talked since December 15 and im trying to avoid contact for at least a month but it's so hard. This has been the longest month of my life and it's so hard to believe since the five months of our relationship always felt so fast.

Is our relationship done for good? Is there any chance of us getting back together? I really don't want to lose him, I've never felt like this with someone before. Some days i feel fine but other days I can't stop thinking about how perfect everything was before this happened. I've considered going to a therapist because it's affecting my sleep and I keep getting headaches whenever I cry about it. I'm just so lost and confused.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Erendi said:

Is our relationship done for good?

Most likely. 

17 hours ago, Erendi said:

Is there any chance of us getting back together?

Not likely.

It IS confusing when they do this, but he's right that's it's not good for you to be in limbo and wait around for him.  This doesn't mean he's a bad person, but honestly, I'd want someone who wants to go through thick and thin together.  We're all guaranteed to encounter loss at some time, but it's not good to hold our breath and wait for the other shoe to drop.  A certain percentage respond like this in grief, I wish they came with a warning but honestly they don't know themselves until they find themselves in this situation.  I'm sorry one more person has her heart broken through no fault of her own.  I went through this 9 1/2 years ago, after a few months we resumed contact but he was yanking me around emotionally and it was clear he didn't know his own mind, I had to guard myself from taking to heart things he said.  Today we're "friends" but that's all...his XW lives with him now.

Take care of YOU.  Spend time with family & friends.  Take classes, join a gym, take up a hobby, try to get your mind off him if possible.  I know, it's hard.  I cried for months.  Eventually the tears dry up.  BTW, we were engaged for a year and this came out of nowhere, it blew me away...he broke up with me by Fed Ex...to my office, so I didn't even get the news in private.
A therapist is probably a good idea.  

[Erendi]

Im trying but it's so hard. I shared every part of my day from him and we were just so alike. Ive never met anyone that matched with me this well. Thank you for answering and I was so sorry to read about your loss as well

[kayc]

It IS hard, that's why I feel for you so much...I remember the pain of heartbreak.

[Erendi]

Hi everyone I just wanted to check in because I need space to just write down my feelings...

It's officially been 47 days since we broke up. I broke no contact a few times around holidays. He said that he still had feelings for me just didn't want a girlfriend for now. That he appreciated having me there for him while he was suffering.

I was going to enter no contact again immediately after new years but then my friend got into a terrible car accident. She passed away the first weekend of this year. I believed I coped well and threw myself into my work and helping others as I usually do during periods of grief. The first week after her accident I was lonely and just wanted to talk to someone so I reached out to him. Once I mentioned my friends passing he stopped responding so I apologized for adding my grief onto his because it was a really stupid thing to do. I started talking more to my mutual friends and they gave me the support I needed. I haven't contacted him since.

I erased all of my social media that I would use to talk to him, primarily Facebook, Instagram and Whatsapp. Today I logged on to Facebook and saw that he had started posting more frequently and most of the posts were him being...well...normal. It makes me think that he's over his mom's death even though a part of me believes that's not true. But it hurts to see that he's out here living like nothing's wrong and ignoring that i was ever a part of his life. Especially since he posted some semi flirty/funny things and some of his girl friends responded to them... Is this normal?

I've been rebuilding my own life: going out with friends, spending time with family, I even got a promotion. I was so happy about my promotion because now Im not only the youngest person at one of the biggest law firms in California, I'm also the only person to have received a promotion within their first four months there. The day of my promotion was especially tough because i just wanted to tell him and thank him for helping me throughout my career search. He was my biggest cheerleader and it made me remember how much I truly miss him. That's all I have for now... Just taking it one day at a time even though I'm still just as confused and sad as they day he broke up with me, if not more so....

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Erendi said:

Is this normal?

It's not uncommon.  And you're right, he's not over his mom's death, no matter what facade he puts on.  Remember, many of them feel unable to do a relationship at the same time as grieving.  Some will start a NEW relationship but can't do the old one because it reminds them of better times when their parent was alive, after all, you were part of that time.

I am so sorry about your friend's passing.  I don't think it unusual you reached out to him, you were there for him in his grief, he was the one you were used to turning to.  It's just as possible he could have related to what you were feeling...only he didn't; you're right, he couldn't take another's grief on top of his own.  You did right to reach out to mutual friends.

I get how you're feeling, it IS confusing because we don't respond that way ourselves.  But congratulations on your position, that is a huge feat and I'm sure you're well deserving of it!  You are doing well with this, focusing on rebuilding your life, spending time with family and friends.  It takes quite a while to heal but you're doing all the right things and it will aid you.

[Erendi]

I always feel like I'm doing fine and moving on but then a huge wave of sadness just comes over me and I doubt everything that I feel. Some days I just want him back and others I think that if he comes back I wouldn't be able to accept him because I lost faith in our relationship. It's incredibly confusing

Thank you for your constant support though Kayc! I'll try to check in again when I'm feeling better about the situation...

[MartyT]

50 minutes ago, Erendi said:

I lost faith in our relationship.

I hope for your sake that you will keep this in mind, my dear, because your reaction of having lost faith in your relationship is justified. As you said, once you mentioned your friend's passing "he stopped responding." So when you were the one in need of comfort, this man's response was to withhold that from you. Might this give you some indication of the extent to which you can depend on him when life gets tough in the future ~ as life most surely will?   

[Erendi]

I tried not to look too deeply into that because it had only been a month since his mom's passing. There was other times during our relationship when I was going through hard times because of family or work problems and he would be my rock. If anything I saw it as our relationship really being over because he felt he didn't need to provide me that comfort anymore

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Erendi said:

Some days I just want him back and others I think that if he comes back I wouldn't be able to accept him because I lost faith in our relationship.

When you think you want him back you are being swayed by feelings.  Feelings aren't meant to be a barometer of anything, they are there to deal with.  When you think you wouldn't be able to accept him because you lost faith in the relationship...that is your brain trying to warn you.  Heed your brain, the feelings will follow in due time.

[Erendi]

36 minutes ago, kayc said:

 Heed your brain, the feelings will follow in due time.

I hope so... If (and that's a pretty big IF) he were to come back would there be a way for us to work through it? Or is it stupid of me to even consider that? What we had before her death was real and I know that grief changes people so he might not even be the same person I fell in love with or have the same goals we used to share... But I believe he's still there, just struggling with the death of his mother after the rapid progression of her illness.

[kayc]

Well they say it's hard to change a leopard's spots...people are who they are and he's shown you who he is, as Marty pointed out.  Of course there are exceptions, people who acknowledge their need for change and get professional help and do their required work on it.  But let me ask you this:  Before "hoping" for some miracle, has he shown you any reason to believe he would be interested in changing, as of late?  My daughter went through something with her husband and he came back without doing the work and she'd have been better off cutting him off nearly three years ago when he left...now he told her on Christmas he wants a divorce but won't leave and she can't afford to move.  People have to demonstrate change of heart AND necessary work involved before you can get a glimmer of hope.

12 hours ago, Erendi said:

I know that grief changes people so he might not even be the same person I fell in love with or have the same goals we used to share

Grief DOES change people and he's already demonstrated he's not the same and no longer has the same goals as before.

[Erendi]

It's not so much that I have a glimmer of hope as much as the phrase "hope for the best but expect the worst". I still haven't broken no contact and don't plan to do so for another two weeks at the least so I don't even know if he has tried to get in touch with me. At first I felt bad about it but that's the only way I'll be able to see and think things through clearly.

I completely understand what you're saying and feel for your daughter. One of my ex boyfriends was really bad at communicating so I broke up with him. I took him back a few months later because he said he had changed but after a month I realized he hadn't done any of the work for that to be true. I don't plan on making that mistake ever again.

Even though I'm only 21 I have had my heart broken more than a few times, but this time it's weird. Its much harder to get over and I think it's because of how sudden everything was. I feel like I would have been able to move on much faster if I could just chalk it up to him not loving me or being a bad person but I know that both of those are not true. I guess it's just my first time learning that love isn't enough and that hurts me more than anything else

[kayc]

23 hours ago, Erendi said:

I feel like I would have been able to move on much faster if I could just chalk it up to him not loving me or being a bad person but I know that both of those are not true.

I do understand and agree with this.  It's why I made the decision after several months of no contact, to allow Jim to be in my life as a friend...but I learned not to "go there" or count on him for anything, he's not relationship material.  The thing is, if they break up with us when they're grieving...well it's a guarantee there are losses and other calamities in life.  I would want a partner to go through thick and thing with, someone we can lean on each other, not someone who'd throw in the towel when something comes along...because it will.

23 hours ago, Erendi said:

I guess it's just my first time learning that love isn't enough and that hurts me more than anything else

That is so true!  It is a lesson that breaks our innocence of the world as a wonderful place...the truth is, there is so much we have to look at when considering someone for a partner.  I learned a lot...the hard way...in my life.  I'm a wise old buzzard now, for all the good it does me!  I wish you well going forward, I know it will take time for your heart to heal but I also know that it will, eventually.  Just keep focusing on yourself and do positive things for yourself.

[Erendi]

Hi everyone, just a quick update.

I finally read all of the posts on this thread and realized something. He never wanted to cut off contact with me. He pushed me away and broke up with me but I just went back to my first post and thought about the fact that he said the following:

On 12/20/2019 at 9:43 PM, Erendi said:

He said that what's happening doesn't mean he doesn't love me or want me in his life he just doesn't want a relationship. 

 

What I didn't mention is that after that he said that I was the one that didn't want to talk to him anymore. Since I had deleted him and his sister from everything it's what makes sense.

Yesterday I texted him after three weeks of no contact. It was just a short message about something that happened during my day and sending him a warm hug. He responded normally with a light hearted inside joke and asking me more about my day. Things felt normal even though I know they're not.

After reading a lot about grief I feel like I truly understood that the only thing he needs right now is someone he trusts and knows that loves him. It's only been two months since his mom passed and the no contact period made me realize that I added pressure to him and expected things that he just doesn't have the emotional energy to give me right now. The only thing I can give him is my support and compassion from afar. Like Kayc has said time and time again: it's not personal. Maybe one day we'll rekindle our relationship but for now I'm just going to support him. Give him his space when he needs it and check in on him from time to time. 

To this day he has never once said he doesn't love me and he's changed his tune to not wanting a relationship for now instead of at all. That's not to say that Im holding onto hope for our relationship any more but I know he's a genuine and kind person who wouldn't purposefully hurt me and still hasn't. If anything I've been hurting myself with my own anxiety and over thinking. 

I'll keep everyone updated as time goes on but I'm going to spend some time working on myself. My anxiety was overwhelming at times with the passing of my friend and promotion on top of the existing heartbreak. So for now I'll lean on my support network and keep sending him love when I feel he might need it most.

A huge thank you to Kayc and MartyT for your kind words not only to me but to everyone on these threads 🤗

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Erendi said:

he just doesn't want a relationship

So you broke no contact...does that mean his not wanting a relationship is okay with you?  Is it going to be harder or better in your life this way?  That's something only you can decide.  Do not accept something you don't want just being desperate for his crumbs.  In my situation, after months of no contact, and then realizing after resumed contact that he didn't know his own mind and was basically screwed up, I accepted we would never have a "relationship" but I felt he was valuable enough to have as a friend...I literally did not hope for or expect anything else.  And that has worked the last ten years.  Even when his XW moved in with him a couple of years ago.  We are friends, nothing more but friendship to me is not to be taken lightly, it's just important to know where you are with it and keep your expectations in reality.  Jim also never explicitly said he didn't love me, I'm not sure what that has to do with it though, we love each other as friends, we are not partners for life and I accepted that all those years ago.

[Erendi]

I broke no contact for myself mostly. It's not that it's okay with me, its more like everything related to our relationship is on the back burner. I'm focusing on myself and my mental health. I recently (finally) started going to a therapist that focuses on grief and relationships. She helped me learn more about this specific way of grieving and how it's incredibly common...which was disheartening in the moment but now I'm seeing it as a learning experience for future grief.

While she did not advise me to expect our relationship to resume, she did tell me that his feelings towards me and our future most probably haven't changed. How grief sort of creates a mental storm that allows him to focus on few things at once and our relationship could not take priority at that moment. She said only I can choose my response to the situation and determine how long I'm willing to wait.

I'm still young but this was a deep and real connection that we shared so I know I'm willing to wait for a long time. Relationships have never really been a priority for me so I don't really care about dating or finding someone as much as I do my own mental health and well being. Waiting for him isn't going to hurt me, but my anxiety might so I decided to focus on controlling that instead. So far it's working! It's only been a few days but I really feel like I've been able to see the situation more clearly, especially his perspective.

I'll update this post if anything changes between me and him but for now I'm focusing on me. Giving him tons of space and time but checking in every once in a while. Just sending him love and hugs and letting him know that I'm here for him if he needs me. Because that's all I can really do.

[Erendi]

Hi everyone I'm disappointed to say that I have had to officially go dark on him. I was just being kind without any pressure or expectations but he saw it differently. He says he's confused and doesn't know what he wants in life anymore. That he doesn't know if I'm what he wants and that he doesn't want to look for me if he doesn't know how he feels anymore. He feels like he's "playing with my feelings" by responding to my good wishes. So I'm done. Done trying to look for someone that doesn't want to be found. I told him to tell me when he figures out if he wants me in his life or not and gave it a week to see if he would even open the message. Suffice it to say, he didn't. I deleted him from my social media and his number from my phone. I deserve much better and know that I'm not abandoning him since he's the one that left me. Thank you all for your well wishes and I'm sorry that this is my final update.

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Erendi said:

I deserve much better and know that I'm not abandoning him since he's the one that left me.

Indeed you do, my dear. We wish you all the very best . . . ♥️

[kayc]

I'm sorry this has been your experience.  I went through the same thing with Jim but after I put a wall up around my heart and guarded it and realized any love talk he gave was blahblahblah he didn't know his own mind either...then it enabled me to be good friends with him with absolutely no hope or expectation of anything further and realize this is for the best.  Ten years later we're good friends but he's taken his XW in so she wouldn't be homeless...not in a relationship but that'd be a bit much for anyone to accept.  She's a grown woman with more income than he has.  

Sometimes it's just a matter of knowing what's best for us and acting accordingly.  I wish you well going forward, I know it can be painful but you'll make it through even that period.

[Erendi]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm having such a hard time. It's like I can't move on. I've officially been sad longer than my actual relationship with him. About a month and a half ago I asked him for an explanation, anything to help me move on. But he said there was none, he just didn't love me anymore and doesn't think we'll ever get back together. That broke me even more but I don't understand. Was he not happy with me? What did I do wrong? Why was I suddenly not enough after months filled with such a deep love and connection? Was our whole relationship just a lie? I feel so used and humiliated and I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried family, going out with friends (well zoom), new hobbies, throwing myself into work, dating. But I just can't seem to move on. I'm just so broken inside by not understanding this...

[kayc]

I am sorry it hurts so much...it really isn't you, it's him.  I don't think he misled you during the relationship, but everything changed for him and he had no more control over it than you do.  This is fallout from grief.  I'm so sorry.  The best thing you can do is try not to focus on him or your love for him, but keep busy with family/friends, create a life for yourself.  It is an ongoing process that's not just over and dealt with in a specified period of time.  Sometimes they can't give us a nice neat closure, I have learned instead that we must create our own closure in the absence of one.  Much harder, but it can be done in time.  Work on affirming your value by being around people who also value you and help you feel better about yourself.  Right now you're reeling from what feels like rejection from the one place you felt was safe and you could trust.  I've learned, in all this, that my value depends on ME not anyone else to fullfill.