Spousal Support

[Eiffel_Tower]

Hello all, new to this forum, but been lurking here for a few days and I am hoping that I can get some positive feedback. We lost our son just over a year ago, stillborn at 38 weeks. A year prior to that we had a miscarriage. On the eve of our son's birthday the wife and I had a long talk, really about everything in our relationship. As I feel we have been on cruise control the last 7-8 years and our emotional and physical intimacy has really taken a back seat with raising our other 2 children. We do have a tough time communicating on any real issues and it can turn into a defensive battle; instead of a constructive conversation sometimes. Anyway, come to find out in the midst of that conversation my wife point blankly said that she didn't need me for any emotional support or in her grief. I was taken aback and honestly hurt by that comment. My wife is a strong women, and when her father passed away about 6 years ago she really didn't grieve much; at least in front of me. I understand that grieving is a private process and I respect that we all grieve differently, but in a marriage we should at least be able to come back to each other once in a while to lean on each other; especially in this situation since no one else really knows what we are going through. I personally don't have anyone else to count on in terms of support. I have my mother and one other close friend, but they both offer limited help; as much as I appreciate it. I am currently in counseling and that has helped somewhat. I am curious, though if anyone has had any experience with their significant other being so emotionally withdrawn from them given the situation. I understand that bringing things up can be upsetting, but my wife pushes to be happy and has been trying to get life back to "normal" I understand the desire to get things back to "normal" but my thought is that things have changed and that our "normal" is now different. I assume she may be in denial. She has agreed to go to counseling, but only in support of me; not for herself or for us as a couple. As she feels she does not need it. Please any advice to help hurdle this wall. I feel so distant, more than ever, from my wife and I feel like if we can't weather this storm together, that it may cause a permanent rift in our relationship. The last thing I want is divorce or separation, mainly for our kids, but I feel like I am at my wits end here. Thanks for any and all who read this.

[kayc]

I would be candid with her and tell her what you' ve told us. Perhaps she'll get help in counseling that she didn't realize she needed.

[MartyT]

It's good to know that you're planning to see a counselor together ~ please, for the sake of your marriage, do follow through with that plan. As long as your wife is willing to go with you, the counselor will guide you in sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other. It is true that we all grieve differently, and your needs will differ from those of your wife. This article may serve to explain some of this: 

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences