Completely heartbroken

[sashaforever]

I buried my cat today. She was almost 3 years old. She didn't come back in after being outside Sunday night. She has never not come back at night, so my dad and I looked around for her. We didn't find her. She is a wild and adventurous cat so I figured she was chasing down an animal and maybe got lost. I left her bed and litter outside. She still didn't come back the second day. Yesterday, I looked around my neighborhood again. I didn't find her so I decided to hop in my car to go print flyers. As I was pulling out, I saw something under my next door neighbor's car. I looked harder and knew it was her. It didn't even occur to me that she could be dead. She slept under my car sometimes. I ran over and looked under to call her and realized she wasn't alive. I screamed at the top of my lungs and my neighbor came out. He wrapped her for me. I held her. She was already rigored. I screamed and cried the whole day.

I adopted Sasha 2.5 years ago. She was just a baby. I was in my junior year of college, highly depressed, and didn't have a will to live anymore. My therapist recommended a cat. I had always loved cats. I went through a local shelter. She was the first cat I met and I was in love. She was the friendliest and most affectionate cat I have ever met. I sometimes had parties at my apartment and she was go up to every person and say hi. When I moved back in with my parents, she started to go outside. She'd climb trees and run around our big yard. She would talk to birds.  She slept with me every night for 2+ years and woke me up with cuddles every single morning. We napped together and watched TV together. She was my everything.

I haven't eaten or slept since I found her. How can my baby cat be dead? She was so lively and amazing. I know it's only been 2 days but I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest.  My parents have been crying with me. 

What hurts me so much is not knowing how it happened. I found her under a car but she didn't look like she was hit or run over at all. I am an EMT so I did a trauma exam and found nothing on the outside. She was just a baby - seemingly healthy. I blame myself for not taking her to the vet more often.

I don't know when this will get better. It doesn't seem like it will. I loved her so much. I haven't stopped thinking about it. I recently lost my uncle and aunt. That seems like nothing compared to this. I googled local support groups, but I am hurting so much right now.

We buried her in my backyard with flowers and her favorite toys. I screamed and cried and pet and held her for one last time. I cannot believe my baby is gone.

If anyone has any tips for early on grieving,  please send them my way. Thank you all in advance.

[kayc]

@sashaforever  I am so sorry.  I just had to have my cat euthanized Monday, and am dealing with that early loss.  I lost my beloved Arlie almost five months ago, he was my dog companion, and the three of us were a family, it''s still hard for me to believe they're both gone.

My cat was 25 and had lived a good life, her liver shut down and so were her kidneys, as well as hyperthyroidism, she'd lost half her body weight...so it was time, she was so tired.  Your cat was young and it feels all the harder when you don't have an explanation of what happened.  It could be she had something undetected, something wrong with her and she just gave out and likely nothing that could have been averted.  I understand your pain, it is tremendous.  Let yourself cry, let yourself feel the pain, experience it and let it flow back out of you.  I bawled every day for months when Arlie died.  I still go down to his grave and talk to him and sometimes cry.  There will never be another like him and he will always be my #1 soulmate in a dog, I love him with all of my being.  I know you understand.  You wrote sasha forever, that's how I feel about my Arlie.

I hope you will consider this short video...maybe it will be like this, but however it is, I believe we will be with them again.  Until that day, I continue to love him.

 

[MartyT]

14 hours ago, sashaforever said:

If anyone has any tips for early on grieving,  please send them my way. Thank you all in advance.

You will find your own ways for mourning this loss, my dear ~ but reading some of the threads in this forum willl give you some idea of what has worked for others who've been where you are now. I found that going through all the pictures I'd ever taken of my beloved dog and making photo books for myself and my grandchildren helped immensely. (There are photo book services online that guide you through the process ~ e.g., Snapfish, Shutterfly, Mixbook.) I also made a list of all the silly nicknames I gave my dog over the years, and wrote down all the special qualities about him that I didn't want to forget. You can do that here if you like.

Our Kay has devoted an entire thread to capture her memories of her beloved Arlie, here: