Lost

[Ziggyzepplin]

I met my partner when I was 16. I am now 44 and we loved each other for 27 years. He crossed over 9 months ago and as the time goes by the more lonely and unwilling I am getting to live. I have animals in my house who are my world and the reason that keeps me going. But as time goes on, the more I feel like ending it. Don’t no what to do anymore.

[Gwenivere]

I’m so sorry you are here.  You may be coming out of shock phase to the reality of how your life is now changed forever.  It’s a bitter pill to swallow.  Anything you feel is normal.  It’s imperative you remember that.  It doesn’t sound like you have a support system.  Animals are great, but we are social creatures.  But many will talk more about that later.  It is the now you have to deal with a minute, hour, day at a time.  This is a great place to start.  Others will be along soon to help add thier support.  In the meantime, I heard you.  I hope that helps.  You are not as alone as it feels.  Again, you found a family that knows your pain.  A family that you can tell anything to and we get it.  No one out 'there' can, no matter if they say they understand unless it has happened to them.  You’ll learn to tune them out.  People want to fix things that can’t, often so they feel better.  You need your energy for YOU.  ❤️

[kayc]

I am so sorry for all you are going through...that another person finds themselves in the situation we here have been in.

I am borrowing Marty's response to another who is contemplating suicide:

It's important to know if it's usual thoughts we get as early grievers or more serious...an actual contemplating of suicide...see  Thoughts of Suicide in Grief.

If you're thinking of suicide, read this first.  If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop now and telephone 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Using your smart phone, contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741. 

I just made a donation to National Suicide Prevention because I understand so well the thoughts that can overtake someone.  I have been without my husband for nearly 15 years and there are times it's a struggle to keep going...I too, live for my pets, but I could never do something that would harm them or my family even if the thoughts occur.

It's important to get through the hump to where you can see clearly...it took me years to process my grief, to adjust to living alone, to build a life I can live and find purpose...and some of that purpose is being here for others going through what I was going through.  It's an ongoing process, not something that's over and done with and as such we can struggle, but it helps to have this sense of community and know you are not alone.  None of us are alone here unless we choose to be.  I've been on this site since my husband died.  I've met some wonderful people here and read some post that were truly inspiring.

I do hope you'll continue to come here and read and also I hope grief counseling is a regular part of your life.  It can help to attend grief support group too as there you'll find other people who get it and realize you are not alone in your feelings.

I wrote this article based on what I'd found helpful over the years, if you find anything in it that helps you either now or on down the road, then I'm glad.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Amberley]

Hey Ziggy, I'm right at the beginning stages of my grief and I feel I'm going through something similar. It breaks my hear to know that someone else is struggling the same as I am. some days i feel so heavy, hopeless and just empty. I hope it brings you a bit of comfort knowing most of us on here have experienced the want to give up, and all the feelings that go along with losing a loved one. We are all here for you. Reach out, use this as a safe place to talk about whatever your feeling almost as if this forum is a diary that responds with love. I've found that to be helpful for me.