Overwhelmed

[wanderingone]

Overwhelmed by all the estate process, and stuck with cleaning out Moms home. I am only child and feel so overwhelmed by every thing that has to be done , paperwork, taxes, cleaning out Mom's house, etc. on top of the episodes of sadness, crying, feeling like my heart is broken, and trying so hard to focus at work. Trying to figure out if I need to see a therapist. Thought I would start here. Thanks for any support. 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry for your loss, my dear, but pleased that you've found your way here. I hope you will follow through with finding a qualified grief counselor and / or an in-person grief support group to help guide you through this process. (See Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You.)

Meanwhile I encourage you to do some reading about grief, so you'll know what thoughts and feelings are normal and have a better idea of what you might do to manage your own reactions. (See Grief: Understanding The Process.)

Bear in mind that everything need not be done at once, and it helps to slow down a bit and take your time. (See, for example, In Grief: Sifting and Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings.)

[kayc]

I can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel, I know I would too.  I have a brother and sister to share in all that with, as well as other sisters that are handicapped and couldn't help.  My brother did the most as he had big strapping sons to help with moving things and they lived in the same town as my mom, the rest of us did not.  I hope you have friends that will help you with moving things.  If not wanting to keep the furniture, perhaps take what you want and then have a garage sale and request St. Vinnie's pick up what is left?  They no longer do that where I live but perhaps they do in the cities.

I would definitely see a grief counselor (see Marty's article above) to help you through this maze of grief.  You are dealing with two separate issues, grieving, and settling the estate, the reason for both is the same, but they're different processes.  We didn't have to go through probate and you may not have to either, being an only child.  My friend Jim had to do his mom's estate (also an only child) and it took him about a year to complete, but he's a procrastinator so not sure if it takes others that long.  She had properties to deal with and a rental house he had to fix up and sell so that was part of it.

Try prioritizing and tackling the highest priority first, try not to worry about the other things until that is done, one thing at a time.  I've learned to take a day at a time with grief and life after loss, that has helped me a lot.

I am so sorry for your loss, my mom has been gone for 5 1/2 years now, it feels like yesterday and forever at the same time.  You're welcome to keep coming here as well, I try to come on line here every morning and read/respond.  This place has gotten me through many losses, including my husband 14 1/2 years ago.  

[Eddie3]

I am sorry for  your loss and the load you have to bear, I hope it eases up off you, I offer you my support, I am a 56 yo son  who has been to there to care for my ailing Dad who passed in 2017, my Mother God Bless Her, was his caretaker and support system while he battled cancer,copd and bronchitis , all the while she was battling parkinson's disease which affected her in many ways, eating,vision,thoughts,movements etc, I stood by them both I would pray as a little boy I would never have to live without them both, they mean that much to me, my Mother recently passed late in 2019, they were married 55 years, I have 3 sisters and am doing the probate, cleaning out and sorting all alone, it is gut wrenching ,some days i just look and sort for 30 minutes because i cant take the pain,only time anyone came by was a week after Mommy passed over and they looked at what was around to grab,the probate process is burdensome, not being able to properly grieve and having to tend to business of probate and satisfying greedy queries of family has made it very very tough, in addition i manage a full time business, somedays i grieve so much i feel crippled, I need help, everything feels like it was ripped right out of me and i find very little to actually live for, my Mother is my very best friend and always will be, I miss her so much, just to hug her one time and hold her hand I would do anything....God I Miss Her So!!!!

[kayc]

@Eddie3  I am so sorry, I know it's hard.  Is there some reason your sisters aren't helping you sort through stuff?  Seems unfair.  My brother cleaned out my mom's stuff in one day (59 years of living in the same house!), he chose a day I was snowed in and wouldn't wait for better weather/roads, but he had some strapping sons and a wife to help him.  My mom had left everything to him so none of us five girls were allowed anything, that was hard.  I have my memories, which no one can take.  

Have you sought grief counseling?  It might benefit you, maybe when the dust settles, I'm sure you are feeling overwhelmed right now.  I wish you well.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html
 

[Eddie3]

it gets messy why they wont help, 1 sister only wants valuables and claims she works, i work too...lol, 1 sister held on to my Mothers funds that I put in her hands to pay for medical bills, I was POA and I am executor, she had to make things be all about her, she said she would help me but never showed up, I needed those funds to help with final cost of my Mothers service and probate attorney, instead i had to get this handled alone,1 sister teams with the first 1 mentioned and back feeds any information I may talk about, the probate is moving along, I have another meeting wednesday this week, I left my townhouse when my Father was very ill, upon his passing over I stayed with my Mother because she needed it and I would never turn my back on her at any costs, Im her only son and 1st child, the saddest thing is I have no place to live upon selling the home, I gave up everything to help my parents, My Father always used to say, Life is funny sometimes...lol, family is funny too, money grubbers while i am stuck in turmoil and emotional destruction......thank you for your reply, It means very much to me.!!!

Thank You for the Link kayc 😇

[kayc]

People who work for a boss tend to think (erroneously) that someone in business for themselves can just take off whenever they want!  Not true, if anything business owners tend to have a lot MORE to do at the end of the day as they're the one wrapping everything up and tending to things.  They don't just get off work and forget their job, they still have it all to deal with, making it even HARDER for you.

You're right, "family is funny too"...not so haha at times either!  You'll get through this, no thanks to anyone else.  

[Eddie3]

thank you kayc, i am glad you responded.

I am trying my best, i reached out to this support group forum because my days are very heavy

reading your replies give me some support, I thank You from my heart!!!

[kayc]

I hope you'll keep coming here and posting as long as you need, it help to know what you are going through is normal and validated.

[MartyT]

It's been said that death brings out the worst in families, and sadly enough, in too many cases it's true. I'm so sorry, Eddie, that your days are so heavy with conflict.

You may find these articles helpful ~ 

When Death Brings Out The Worst: Family Fighting After A Death

Family Misunderstanding After a Death

Grief or Greed? When Families Fight Over Material Possessions

[Eddie3]

Thank You, I am most grateful, I am doing the best I can, I realize it is perhaps validated, I am just having trouble, My Mother passed in November '19  God was good to me, she was the best Mom i could have ever asked for, so much love and heartfelt warmth from her, I got even closer to my Mother to help her with my Dad who was very ill cancer & copd and 3 days after he passed in 2017 November, I had to whisk her to the hospital, she never recovered from his passing married 55 years, she battled Parkinson's and perhaps Alzheimer's, some days were very tough to help her thru her struggles with her ailments and mind, I hated feeding her medicine, it sucked, I never gave up hope, while other siblings said " I cant deal with that stuff" I never wavered, I am not beating my own drum, Its just I Love her so much......its literally shredding me inside,as it should I am sure....nonetheless, it feels crushing....everything feels hollow and empty.

 

Again thank you, I read others' stories, I know I am not alone, and I feel heartfelt sympathy for everyone here, I just don't know if I can ever recover, I have to get all this home cleaning and probate done, If I could sleep forever I would.

[kayc]

You may not be beating your own drum but I will, you deserve that, so many abandon their parents/loved ones, saying they can't deal with it, but that's not what they need, they need someone to be there for them, someone they can count on and it sounds like you returned the favor of her being the best mom in the world by being the best to her.

I hope you'll read this article...
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/10/in-grief-after-caregiving-ends-who-am-i.html