Help Please

[Vero]

Dear all,

Pleaes help me. I don't know what to do. Im in such pain over the loss of mom (its been 3 months) that Im just ready to give up. Im supposed to fly home this Saturday to spend the week with my sister and my mother's husband to go thru her belongings, take what I want, etc. I have bought my plane ticket almost 1 month ago. But I just can't do this. I don't want to go anymore. I don't want to go and sleep at her house and im sure it still smells like her. I don't want to go thru her things as this will bring a finality to it. It makes the fact of not having my mom around anymore real and I just can't deal with this pain. It's unbareable. I don't feel ready to accomplish this task. I just want to hide and not think and not deal with the pain. I want to cancel my trip. I know that my familly will be disappointed but I also know that they would understand. I just can't go thru with this at this time. Am i beeing selfish? Am I being just a big crybaby? Im 32 years old and I never needed my mom like I need her today. Extreme sadness, loneliness, emptiness, anger ... I've been carrying this with me for 3 months now and I can't do it anymore. It's too heavy, its crushing me and I just can't go anymore. How am I still able to go to work everyday, fill up my car, grocery shopping ... I don't know ...I guess Im really good at faking it. Faking too be ok, I can't never tell the truth to anyone, I don't want to bother anyone with all my sobbing. I do wish I could just tell everyone, no, im not doing good. Im really sad all the time and I need help.

[KathyD]

Hi Vero,

I'm sort of at the same point you are (I'm 36 and at the three month mark of my beloved Dad's death) so I understand everything you're feeling because I'm feeling the same things. I've been down to my Dad and Mom's house twice since his death and put on my fake face but I've gotten to the point where I can't go there anymore right now because everything - here, there, everywhere - reminds me of him and it's too much to take. I finally went to a grief counselor who told me to take everything in baby-baby steps and to take as much time as I need to to process it all. She didn't think it was selfish for my not wanting to see my Mom or brother since I'm in a boatload of pain...she said I needed to take care of myself first and foremost. I e-mailed my Mom and was completely open about how I felt, and her response was to do what I could but that there wouldn't be any pressure. I think maybe if you told your family how deeply you're hurting and how it's too much for you to fly out there right now they would understand. I posted this in another topic but the three month mark is HARD HARD HARD. Not a day goes by where I don't break down into a sobbing wreck and although I'm able to do the basic things that need to be done I can't be the person I was three months ago, and some people don't understand it. It's a struggle to talk on the phone (putting on the fake voice there), etc., but I know myself and know that I need to be alone in my pain. I don't like sobbing in front of others because they never know what to do or say and while I certainly don't blame them I've decided that if they can't understand they can't. I know I'm rambling but I hope this makes some sense or makes you feel that you're not alone in this terrible ordeal (that's an understatement). I'm right there with you.

Kathy

[Maylissa]

Vero,

I went home to see whatever my father would allow me to take of my Mum's, about 3 wks. after her death, and felt I had to hide my real emotions while I was there...not only in front of my father, but also later in the eve in front of my friend who had me over for dinner and wanted me to be 'happy' to see her after so many years of not. It was friggin' exhausting!! So I did what I 'had' to do ( I NEEDED to get whatever I could of my Mum's, before my dad got rid of it all, to strangers ), but I also have a childhood friend who, I recently learned, couldn't face a THING about her mother's death many years ago when she was only 23. She couldn't attend her funeral, nor go back home, nor talk about it to her own father, and had no siblings, either. She told me it took her a long, long time to start to really deal with it and in the interim, she abused alcohol in order to cope. I don't know any more details about her experience ( yet ), but I just wanted to let you know that there ARE other people who, for whatever reasons, find it harder than others to 'face' the realities of the passing of a loved one.

The only thing I can suggest is that you try sitting down with yourself and try to imagine how you might feel if you DON'T go, and personal items of your mother's might go to others, and whether that might bother you later on. You could always ask for certain things, if you know what you'd want to keep, to be set aside for you, for pick-up at a later date.

We're all different in how we handle emotional things and there's nothing inherently 'wrong' with keeping your own schedule in mourning and coping, but it's always a good idea to try your best to play out each scenario when you have a choice to make, just to try and ward off future regrets you may create. In other words, you don't want to add to your sorrow if a certain choice might end up doing that. You're not being "selfish", nor a "crybaby".....you're simply grieving in your own, personal way...it just IS what it is. No one can tell you when you 'must' face the pain, or, as has been talked about in other threads here, "lean into" the pain....it's a personal decision that only you can make for yourself. If you can't do it now, you will do it later....it's that simple.

[LoriW]

Vero,

You need to take your time in your grief. I am just over 6 months since my Mom passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I miss her dearly but am in a much better place than 3 months after her death. Here we are nearing 7 months since her passing and my Dad has donated some of her clothes to charities but the sentimental items...the things that my Mom collected are there still, we are all not ready to go through it and that's okay.

I do go up to see my Dad and it has been hard, especially the first visit after she died. I broke down. It has gotten easier but that house is "hers" and although it makes me miss her so much to see "her" things it also brings me comfort to know her touches are still left behind.

You must be good to yourself. Let yourself feel the loss...I have cried an ocean of tears and today I became misty eyed just thinking of my Mom while driving to work. I have found keeping a journal has helped me so much. It's not for anyone else to read but for me to get my feelings out on paper. I have never lost anyone I have loved so much until I lost my Mom. I know I made people mad when I declined invitations to Christmas dinner and Easter (my Mom's own sister)but I did what I had to do in order to get through those first holidays without my Mom.

I am sorry for your loss...I know, it is so hard and we miss them so much.