When do you start to feel better - ever?

[EvieJo]

Hi, I lost my mum nearly two years ago.  She passed away quite suddenly from undiagnosed cancer.  She had been going to her doctor for quite some time with symptoms but they refused to investigate and basically fobbed her off.  Even suggested it was all in her mind.  I feel very angry about this - everyone let her down.  
This second year without her feels even worse than the first (wasn’t expecting that).  
of course everyone else has moved on - yet  I still feel so lost.  She was my anchor in life (my dad was not around much and couldn’t be relied on for anything).  Somehow though my mum always made everything ok, even though I know now how much of a struggle things were for her at times.   
I feel stuck in my past - has anyone else felt like this? I remember my childhood as a happy time which I now treasure.  I find myself reminiscing/trying to relive happier times, despite the fact I know things will never be the same.  I feel like ‘moving on’ with my life means to leave her behind and finally say goodbye - I just don’t think I will ever be ready though.  
It is starting to affect my other relationships.  I feel resentful of others happiness and don’t want to engage at all.  I have tried therapy but it was getting expensive and I don’t think I clicked very well with my therapist and didn’t find him all that helpful.   
Am I abnormal for feeling this way still? And what can I do.  I have a sister but she deals with things very differently from me and also has two children so she has a different focus. Tired of feeling so bloody sad all the time.  

[kayc]

It's hard to answer this because grief is very individual and depends on so many things...whether we do our grief work, our own coping skills, even placement in the family.  Comparisons to the past can be real joy-robbers as they don't allow us to fully appreciate the present, what good/joy there can be in today.  We will always love and miss those we have lost and it seems to be much harder when it's someone we were extremely close to who was a part of our everyday life.

I want you to know, however, that grief does not stay the same throughout our lifetime, it evolves...what you feel ten years from now is different from day one when you were first digesting your loss.  Many, however attend the funeral, but their loss is not the same as yours, they return to their lives and you're left alone to deal with what's left of yours.  Been there.

It's important to find the right grief counselor, and it may not be the first one, it could be the second or third one you try that resonates with you and you find helpful.  My first one was horrible, to even put up a shingle and call himself a grief counselor was an abomination to my senses!  Keep looking.  A good one can be worth their weight in gold.

In our culture we tend to think the worst will be behind us when the first year is over...not so.  For this kind of grief, it can take a very long time to process.  It's important to throw away expectations and realize it is what it is and takes what it takes...we can't even compare our journey to someone else's.  Someone else doesn't have the exact same relationship as you had with your mother.  

I hate the term "moving on" for that reason...we never "leave them behind."  It's so important to realize it's okay to feel happy moments again, in fact to be coveted!  No one can live 24/7 grief for years and years without it doing them in!  Our bodies aren't meant to handle that intensity long-term, so we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives.  Instead of "moving on" I prefer the term "continue" because that we have to do.  We continue to get up, go to work, meet with our friends, get groceries, etc.  But none of that is leaving them behind.  They continue in our hearts even when we can't see, touch them.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/06/in-grief-feeling-guilty-for-feeling.html

[MartyT]

Well said, Kay, and I couldn't agree more! I hope that Evie takes your words to heart. And Evie, you might find this article helpful as well: In Grief: Aversion to Thought of "Acceptance" and "Moving On" ♥️

[EvieJo]

Just want to say happy Mother’s Day to all mums — and those mums who are no longer with us who we miss every single day xx