Don't I Count Too?

[az4me]

This is my first Fathers day without my dad. My father passed away May 1, 2006, and I miss him terribly. I still have my mother and a sister. My dads last visit to the hospital was very hard because he wanted to be home and that is all he could talk about, my mother and sister researched nursing facilities (with out me) and decided that was not going to work for him. My husband and I were consulted about bringing my dad home to be taken care of, because my sister lives in a town 300 miles away it would be up to my mom (who is 70 years old) myself and my husband to give him his care would we do this or better yet could we do this? I had no hesitation of saying yes, this man was my hero, my idol, and one of my best friends, and of course I would take care of him. We talked to the hospital social worker about getting Hospice at home, now we had to convince dad. I told him if he wanted to go home he had to agree, he did and we took him home.

My dad came home on a Friday, my sister stayed the weekend and went home, and it was up to the 3 of us to help my dad along with Hospice. My dad would only sleep about a half hour at a time then holler that he needed to get up. Things went along like this for days, his nurse suggested some meds to help him with his restlessness and anxiety and we agreed to try, but getting him to agree was another thing, he would only take them maybe once a day and this was not working, we took turns sleeping in shifts so someone was always up with him, he also had quit eating. Hospice was wonderful, the care he was given was great, but our care with them was great also. The care, understanding and compassion they provide for a family is the best, they not only provide for the patient but also the family unit. By Tuesday my dad was getting restless and wanted to take my mom to breakfast so we got him in the car and away we went, it was wonderful and we had a great time. On Wednesday he slept for about 8 hours straight, my mom and I started to worry. Thursday I called my sister and told he she better come down. That night my dad left us, but his body was still here. Hospice provide us with around the clock nursing at this point and I am very thankful we had that. We were there with him when he took his last breath early Monday morning.

Those last 3 nights I had with him were great we talked about everything. He made sure that everything was in order for my mom. My husband and I bought his truck from him, he sold his boat to his nephew, and he made sure us girls would take care of my mom.

I have not let myself feel since he died. Every time I start to break down I can hear him “stop that no crying allowed” that was my dad. My mom, sister, and his grandchildren are weeping all over the place, but not me I have to be strong for them all (that’s my dad again telling me “you have to be strong for them”).

Well maybe I am not as strong as he thought I was, I am angry! Angry nothing could be done for him. Angry that my mom tells me how affected my one niece is because she was so close to my dad, well so was I. Angry that the man who was my hero, idol, and my best friend for 47 years is gone and I can no longer talk to and see him. Angry with myself because all I can think about is what about me, I lost someone too, do they not realize this? On the other hand, am I being selfish? Am I keeping myself from grieving? I do not know the answers, I cannot think of the answers because it just hurts too much!

Thanks for letting me vent!

[KathyD]

Hi az4me,

I lost my Dad and best friend March 30. The anger you feel is normal, I felt it too and still feel that the doctors could have done more, etc. I don't think a lot of people know what to say to someone who's suffered a huge loss, and may not say anything because they don't want to upset the other person. I always get asked how my Mom is and want to tell everyone that I have feelings too even if I look "OK." You're not being selfish to want others to know that you're hurting or to have those feelings. From what I've read it's best to let your emotions run free instead of bottling them up since grief is work and the only way through it is to experience the pain. Not fun, believe me I know! I don't have any answers but think that you have to be there for yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's not selfish and if anything in the long run it will help you through this.

Kathy

[lil kid]

I AGREE, WITH THE ANGER. I FEEL THAT, TOO ON MANY LEVELS.. I DONT HAVE AN ISSUE WITH THE HOSPITAL STAFF(THEY WORKED VERY HARD FOR MY DAD), DONT HAVE A PROBLEM EVEN WITH THE EVENTS THAT BROUGHT HIM THERE (THOUGH IT TOOK ME 2 YRS TO COME TO GRIPS WITH IT). WHAT I DO HAVE ANGER TOWARDS IS MY GODFATHER, FOR ONE. HE KNEW MY DAD SINCE THEY WERE 5 YRS OLD...HE & I WERE ESTRANGED DUE TO AN ARGUEMENT YRS BEFORE...BUT WHEN I SAW HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE HOSPITAL, I HUGGED HIM - TOLD HIM "IM SORRY ABOUT YOUR FRIEND"..YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT AT THAT MOMENT, NOR IN THE 44 DAYS TO FOLLOW, NOR IN THE 2 1/2 YRS SINCE MY DAD'S DEATH HAS THAT MAN EVER SAID HE WAS SORRY FOR MY LOSS! ALL HE TALKS ABOUT & TELLS PEOPLE & WRITES IN HIS LOCAL NEWSPAPER COLUMN IS HOW DEVESTATED HE IS! NO MENTION OF ME, MY SISTER, OR MY MOTHER IN OUR LOSS....ONE OTHER SOURCE OF ANGER, IS A CO-WORKER OF MINE. I OVER HEARD HER TALKING THE OTHER DAY ABOUT HOW HER DAD ASKED HER IF SHE WAS "WORKING ON SUNDAY" SHE TOLD HIM, "YES" HE SAID, "DID YOU KNOW THAT IT'S FATHERS DAY?" SHE SAID "YEAH, DAD..I KNOW - AND I'VE ALSO WORKED THE LAST 3 FATHERS DAYS...DONT WORRY, I WILL TAKE YOU OUT TO LUNCH ON MONDAY" LIKE HE WAS AN IRRITATING CHILD OR PET ....I ALMOST SHOOK HER. HER FATHER (IN MY OPINION) WAS REACHING OUT TO HER, FEELING SAD A BIT THAT SHE DIDN'T REQUEST THE DAY OFF SO SHE COULD SPEND TIME WITH HIM. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE FOR ONE MORE LUNCH OR DINNER DATE WITH MY DAD! (HE ALWAYS TOLD ME I WAS A GOOD DATE! HAHA)... WELL, I KNOW IT'S NO USE TO SAY ANYTHING TO HER BECAUSE SHE WILL REALIZE IN TIME, WON'T SHE? AND I WILL BE THERE FOR HER WHEN SHE DOES.

[STARKISS]

Hi az4me,

I too have felt anger at alot of things since the deaths of both my parents... Which is really weird since I am not a normally angry person.

I have been told by several people that it is normal to feel this way and that it is a part of grieving... Right now it is getting better the more time that has gone by... Take care and I will keep you in my prayers Shelley

[amanda]

hi as4me,

I am so sorry for your loss.

I too am the strong one of the family (well thats what everyone wanted me to be),by bottleing up my feelings i became physicly ill,having anxity attacks,papatations and it also made it so i could not move on from the first stages of grief.

thanks to the people on this site i have learnt to be able to let go and tell my family that i feel too.

when my dad died my mum told me it was worse for my sister because she lived closer to him.

when my mum died my stepdad said the same.miles dont make you love someone less, so I started to speak up and say hey IM NOT AS STRONG AS YOU WANT ME TO BE,I HURT TOO and if you dont like this then tough.

It really has been hard to accept that my mum is gone i lost her 16 may 2005,

i still have days where i go to call her and thats hard but some days i have are ok days now.

by allowing myself to grieve i am becoming slightly stronger,its strange but you have to let it out and ride through it to come out the other side if that makes any sense to you.

remember everyone here understands and welcomes you to our site family.

loads of love

amanda

[STARKISS]

Hi Az4me,

I also want to remind you that we are here for you, We do not go through grief the same way but we all feel the emotions and find things that we have trouble dealing with... You are in my prayers, Take care Shelley