Jester Posted June 19, 2006 Report Share Posted June 19, 2006 Hi:I found this site looking for something else. I thought I was doing great with my grieving, and just wanted to know if it is normal to have a complete and total lack of sexual appetite and even physical contact of any sort, and then I stumbled into this site that seems wonderful, so many caring people, and after reading a few posts, I discovered I am not doing great with my grieving. Mainly because there barely is any grieving. So I think I'll vent here since no one seems to want to talk about this subject anymore.I am 29, the 5th in a family of 7 kids, the youngest of the girls. I always had a very special connection with my mom. We were together when our family fell apart. She moved to the US, and her parting was so sudden (she announced one day she was leaving, as she had done for 2 years and one day I came back from school and she was not there anymore) it broke me in half. I was angry at her mainly because we didn't get to say a proper farewell, and she would call often and send letters and emails, and I was barely responsive to her approaches. It was 2 years after she left that she came to visit and knowing she was only here for a short time that I understood she was leaving and we got to say goodbye and things were a lot better between us.After many personal issues with my dad, things just got out of hand and I moved in with my mom in 2002, and although her appartment was so small and it only had one bedroom and one bed, our relationship was so amazing we never had space issues, it was a great time for both of us (she was not alone anymore and I finally became independent) and I even managed to convince her to go back to Mexico since she fell so much in love with this country, and she did on Dec. 2004. She moved in with my oldest sister and her family in a town about 1 hour away from where I live, and I used to visit her very often.My mom was diagnosed with cancer on March 9, 2006. This lung cancer, the doctors said was entirely curable and with some chemo and radiations and surgery, they were hoping to take the tumor out, and we were supposed to take a trip to Italy this Christmas. It was such a shock to loose her 40 days after.She looked so frail when she left, she had lost so much weight it was shocking. But I can't understand how a doctor can tell you everything will be fine, one month later say the chemo made the cancer spread and there's nothing else to do, that she'll live another 6-12 months, and then visit her one sunday, a week later after the doctor's bad news, listen to her saying "I'm feeling better, I'll be fine for our trip to Italy" and loose her next wednesday, my sister saying on sunday she was having hallucinations, I saw her fine on sunday.I am thankful I had the chance to go live with her, I was the only one out of her 7 children to accept her invitation, and I am glad I did because I could never cope with the guilt if she had left in Oklahoma all alone... I am glad I gave her good moments, and now I know she came back to Mexico to spend her last months with the rest of her children and grandchildren.But I am so damn angry because I was dealing with the idea of my mother being ill I never had time to prepare for this. I know one is never truly prepared, but I was caught completely offguard. What happened to those 6-12 months? I feel ripped off. Everyone says it was better because it was fast and she didn't suffer much, but no, it would have been better if she didn't have cancer in the first place, and yes, she did suffer.I am angry because my whole family built walls around themselves and no one wants to talk about her. I am angry because my friends don't even ask how am I doing. I know they don't have a clue as to how to deal with this and they don't want to remind me (as if I needed to be reminded that I lost my mother 2 months ago). I am angry my boyfriend is putting so much pressure on us recovering the life we used to have, and him saying he also needs comfort (he knew her for a couple of months and it angers me that he wants to put his grief at the same level as mine). I am so angry she was so depressed her last years and so dissapointed her last days.But even though I am angry and shocked, it only comes sometimes at night when I am alone. The rest of the time I seem to be ok, thinking about work, the world cup, tv, etc. It seems hard for me to express myself. I sort of need someone to ask me, to open the door so I can trust that the person asking is ready to listen to what I have to say. I thought I was going through the depression phase, but I guess I am still in denial as I can't even say the word "died", I keep saying "left".It feels good to type this, to let it out of my system, I feel better already.Good luck to you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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