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My Mother Left


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Hi:

I found this site looking for something else. I thought I was doing great with my grieving, and just wanted to know if it is normal to have a complete and total lack of sexual appetite and even physical contact of any sort, and then I stumbled into this site that seems wonderful, so many caring people, and after reading a few posts, I discovered I am not doing great with my grieving. Mainly because there barely is any grieving. So I think I'll vent here since no one seems to want to talk about this subject anymore.

I am 29, the 5th in a family of 7 kids, the youngest of the girls. I always had a very special connection with my mom. We were together when our family fell apart. She moved to the US, and her parting was so sudden (she announced one day she was leaving, as she had done for 2 years and one day I came back from school and she was not there anymore) it broke me in half. I was angry at her mainly because we didn't get to say a proper farewell, and she would call often and send letters and emails, and I was barely responsive to her approaches. It was 2 years after she left that she came to visit and knowing she was only here for a short time that I understood she was leaving and we got to say goodbye and things were a lot better between us.

After many personal issues with my dad, things just got out of hand and I moved in with my mom in 2002, and although her appartment was so small and it only had one bedroom and one bed, our relationship was so amazing we never had space issues, it was a great time for both of us (she was not alone anymore and I finally became independent) and I even managed to convince her to go back to Mexico since she fell so much in love with this country, and she did on Dec. 2004. She moved in with my oldest sister and her family in a town about 1 hour away from where I live, and I used to visit her very often.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer on March 9, 2006. This lung cancer, the doctors said was entirely curable and with some chemo and radiations and surgery, they were hoping to take the tumor out, and we were supposed to take a trip to Italy this Christmas. It was such a shock to loose her 40 days after.

She looked so frail when she left, she had lost so much weight it was shocking. But I can't understand how a doctor can tell you everything will be fine, one month later say the chemo made the cancer spread and there's nothing else to do, that she'll live another 6-12 months, and then visit her one sunday, a week later after the doctor's bad news, listen to her saying "I'm feeling better, I'll be fine for our trip to Italy" and loose her next wednesday, my sister saying on sunday she was having hallucinations, I saw her fine on sunday.

I am thankful I had the chance to go live with her, I was the only one out of her 7 children to accept her invitation, and I am glad I did because I could never cope with the guilt if she had left in Oklahoma all alone... I am glad I gave her good moments, and now I know she came back to Mexico to spend her last months with the rest of her children and grandchildren.

But I am so damn angry because I was dealing with the idea of my mother being ill I never had time to prepare for this. I know one is never truly prepared, but I was caught completely offguard. What happened to those 6-12 months? I feel ripped off. Everyone says it was better because it was fast and she didn't suffer much, but no, it would have been better if she didn't have cancer in the first place, and yes, she did suffer.

I am angry because my whole family built walls around themselves and no one wants to talk about her. I am angry because my friends don't even ask how am I doing. I know they don't have a clue as to how to deal with this and they don't want to remind me (as if I needed to be reminded that I lost my mother 2 months ago). I am angry my boyfriend is putting so much pressure on us recovering the life we used to have, and him saying he also needs comfort (he knew her for a couple of months and it angers me that he wants to put his grief at the same level as mine). I am so angry she was so depressed her last years and so dissapointed her last days.

But even though I am angry and shocked, it only comes sometimes at night when I am alone. The rest of the time I seem to be ok, thinking about work, the world cup, tv, etc. It seems hard for me to express myself. I sort of need someone to ask me, to open the door so I can trust that the person asking is ready to listen to what I have to say. I thought I was going through the depression phase, but I guess I am still in denial as I can't even say the word "died", I keep saying "left".

It feels good to type this, to let it out of my system, I feel better already.

Good luck to you all.

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Jester,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. My dad started coughing and finally went to the hospital, where he stayed for a week and then came home, after being told he had lung cancer. The cancer doctor told him there was no hope. He died exactly a month from the day he went to the hospital. So I totally understand how you feel about the shock and disbelief of it. No warning, just gone in a month!

As you will find, if you browse some of the older topics, friends, family and husbands or boyfriends will sometimes not be there for you. Many of us have complained about the lack of understanding and sympathy from people you expected it from! And believe me, you do need to be able to express your feelings. Coming to this site is a wonderful step. It has helped me more than I can say and people here understand and really care. So come often and let us hear your thoughts and feelings.

A big hug to you,

Shell

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Shell:

Thank you very much for your kind words. This place has become a haven, the hope on the bottom of Pandora's box. I come here everynight. I don't always post, I don't always have the will to do it, but the articles posted by Marty and the comforting messages everyone gives, the support here is a blessing, and I'll never be thankful enough to the people who opened this site, and the ones who keep it alive, always ready to lend a hand to others who may feel a bit more lost.

I hope I'll eventually be one of the ones having a little bit more strength to loan my shoulder to someone.

Good luck.

Hugs

Jester

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Jester,

I think you will find that the more you talk here about your story and the feelings you have about everything, the more help you will find. You said,

"I sort of need someone to ask me, to open the door so I can trust that the person asking is ready to listen to what I have to say."

Just consider us asking! We are definitely ready to listen, to whatever you have to say! That is why we are all here ~ to listen and be listened to, and to help each other if and when we can. It's truly sad how many of us have had to 'beg', in our personal worlds, for something as simple as an ear, and many of us have had to resort to boards for the lack of those willing ears during our grief. I only had one person who listened to most of what I needed to express w/o constant interruptions and that relationship didn't last. The bulk of it I rather forced my husband to listen to :o:P but he could only help so much, or take so much at any one time! For most of my comfort, I split it between my psychologist and coming to boards to vent.

You also mentioned,

"I thought I was going through the depression phase, but I guess I am still in denial as I can't even say the word "died", I keep saying "left".

This is the norm and you know what?....it doesn't really matter! Call it whatever you're comfortable with at any given time. You don't need to push yourself to use one term over another. It took me about 2 years to use "died" for our first fur-boy who 'left' :) , and to this day, though I can use any word I feel like, I still prefer the softer ones for him....cuz I don't think he's really gone from my life. My Mum and brother, on the other hand, haven't made the same kinds or numbers of 'visits', so I don't really feel their presence with me as much and therefore more often use the term 'died' for them, just for convenience. But it's MY choice and it's all individual. And in fact, if you really believe that someone's spirit or essence doesn't ever die, then the other terms are actually more accurate according to your beliefs and I'm a firm believer in saying what you mean and meaning what you say and of marrying your inner beliefs to how they are expressed outwardly. I never looked at this as denial, but simply as a way of cushioning the blow in my own head, for my own good & as a helpful way to reinforce the power of that belief in everlasting existence. As I mentioned elsewhere, you will see what you believe and not the other way around.

And no one understands the true and huge shock of more sudden deaths than those who have experienced them firsthand. You're in good company here with that one. My brother had a sudden, massive stroke and was unconscious for a week until his spouse had them shut the machines off, so I know......whereas, my Mum's illnesses lingered and she suffered in many ways for 6 months ( and frankly, even years before her hospitalization ), so I've experienced both ways of parting. Neither one is 'acceptable'....what we all really want is for NO ONE to EVER leave, period, so all losses are terribly hard to accept.

And considering your other beliefs about our lost senses, I will say to you this: Perhaps our lack of acceptance comes not so much from simply the worldly things it translates into on a daily basis, but more so from the unremembered lost knowledge that this is not our true existence here and that we've simply forgotten that we are indeed never really parted from all others, who are nothing more and nothing less than parts of Our One Self with Our Creator. So though we must 'accept' their lack of physical presence on this plane of existence, for practicality's sake, we can still, at the same time, work on our spiritual beliefs that nothing that ever lived ever really can or does die.

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I understand your pain all too well. I lost my mom about six months ago to cancer. Well, technically respiratory failure. I will never escape the idea that the medical community FAILED to listen to her complaints about not feeling well, lacking energy, etc. They knew she was a high-risk candidate for colon cancer. Had screenings EVERY year. And yet it was this ghastly disease (a highly treatable cancer I have learned) that latched on and took her away from us. Bless the medical community for caring more about dollars than people. I miss her so much. I believe her death did not have to happen. I mean, just now. I have lost my best friend. I know she is in heaven, and for that I am thankful. She was a lady of great faith. But I cannot (will not????) believe she was taken care of properly. Thanks for letting me vent! :angry:

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I so know what you are talking about. I am fine all day but about 9pm every night the water works start. My husband and has been truly understanding but things are different now. The only person I want to hold me is my DAd who is no longer here. Granted the days of sitting on his lap and complaining about his whiskers was over 30 years ago. I do miss my fathers hugs, him yelling at me for driving to fast, saying you are too young to be tired. He was hard of hearing and when I would call home, he would answer the phone and I would always ask to speak to Mom becuase she was the one who could hear better. I wished I would have been more patient. I know my Father was very proud of my accomplishments and loved me so much. I do miss him telling me those things. Take care of yourself and give yourself time. My dad died April 10th and I pay myself a dollar every morning if

I do not cry the night before. He would of got a kick out of that. By the way, In 10 days I have only paid myself $3. HAHA

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This is going to start looking as a blog, but what the heck. Another week has passed, and I am no closer to even start dealing with this than I was a month ago. I'm not putting pressure on myself, but I know eventually I'll have to leave my little shell in the denial stage and everything will hit me like a piano on the head, and I know that will happen when I am ready, but yet, I can't help being afraid, sort of like closing my eyes and flinching before the fist hits my face.

I have noticed though I have split myself into several people (not an uncommon thing during bad times, or more like all the time). One me is very attached to reason, and she can explain all there is to know about my mother's passing without stuttering or hesitating at a thought, very calm and cold. Another me is high on life, everything will be great, and I will accomplish every goal in life, and it will all be great, yaaaayyyyy!!!! More like desperately clinging to hope, to a brighter future to look forward to and have a motor in life. A third me is just not here, thinking about fantasy, or World Cup, or a soap opera, or politics what with the elections in one week, just concentrating very much on anything that has nothing to do with my reality. Then there is the other one cuddling under the bed, waiting for the blow. This last one doesn't come too often...yet.....

Having said all this,

SueSue:

Vent all you want, you are entitled to it. I also blame the doctors for not being able to save someone from a perfectly curable cancer. Most of us need someone to blame for bad things happening, and what is best than putting all the responsability on a doctor who is not on our everyday life, so confrontation wouldn't really affect us very much, I know I am not loosing my job or friends or family for blaming my mother's doctors. I think blaming someone is also a stage in grief, or at least a way to deal with grief.

The truth is, no one is to blame for something like this. A part of life is understanding we are not immortal. People have to leave someway or another. I think the reason why my mother left is she had a very bad smoking addiction, she started at age 14, and smoked more than a pack a day for decades. As hard as we tried (herself included), she just couldn't quit, and she was down to 3 cigarretes a day when she was diagnosed with cancer. She quit instantly, but it was already too late. Another significant factor in her passing was that she gave up. She never showed it to me though, I was her baby girl, but my sisters all comment on how depressed she was, and what a bad attitude she had. All I know is about a week before she left (as we were waiting for the effects of the chemo to wear off thinking this was what was making her feel so lousy), she decided she didn't want any more help, no doctors, no tanathologyst, no spiritual guide, no nothing. I know she would have had a better chance if she'd had a little more faith in herself. That is in a way how she lived many aspects of her life.

Of course this is my reasonable me talking, the other 3 me's are still waiting for an explanation, and although deep inside I know my mother chose this path for herself, I still blame the doctors. I'd rather be angry at them than angry at my mother. It's still to soon, and I'll eventually come to terms with the anger and the blaming part. So, vent all you want, SueSue, if this offers in any way some sort of comfort, piece of mind or anything at all that can help you cope with it, go for it.

Star:

I'm guessing the nights suddenly seem longer, huh? I'm no specialist (thank God), I'm just guessing the waterworks starting at night is us giving us the time to cry, because life ain't stopping, and we have to get through many things during the day, work, lunch, traffic, picking up the kids, doing laundry, and gosh, I don't know about you, but sometimes I look forward to the waterworks, because life not waiting for us doesn't mean the tears and memories aren't building up inside.

I like the idea of paying yourself a dollar for every night you don't cry. I can't afford myself though, lol, I am not doing much crying -yet-. But whenever I do, it's a non-stop thing.

I'm guessing it will hit me in 2 weeks, when we go through my mother's things. Since she was living with my sister, and my sister lives in another city, every weekend people were spending the night over at her place, and then my mother's sister visiting for 1 week, and then my mother's brother visiting for another 2 weeks, by the time it was over, my sister looked as if she wanted to strangle all of us. She was my mother's caretaker, and she put so many things aside, her family included, that we all knew she needed time and space. We have waited 2 months to go through my mother's things because we're waiting for her to say "hey guys, I'm ready to see you all again", and this will be in 2 weeks. I guess then I'll start doing some real crying.

Maylissa, once again, I can't thank you enough for your words. I can't thank this site enough for giving me a space to post my ideas and questions, wether someone reads them or not, just getting them off my chest is helpful enough, not to mention the words I recieve are very soothing. I can't imagine what this would be like without discussion boards. Bless internet.

I still have no questions that I am aware of yet, I have issues, I'm not sleeping too much or too well, I am grossed out at the mere thought of sex (which is making my BF pluck his eyes out, but he's not putting too much pressure), I can't even stand kissing, or long hugs. I also plan many things with friends, like going to the movies or having a drink, and then I cancel everything, like want my old life back, and at the last minute, I decide I'm not ready yet. My life consists of working, playing videogames until the wee hours of the night, and internet, especially discussion boards. I'm not too worried about any of this, I have a feeling it is all normal. Is it really?

Bless you all.

Victoria

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Victoria,

Yes, it is normal. And whatever you are doing (playing videogames, etc) is what you need to be doing right now. It's your own form of therapy, in a way. Just float....don't anticipate. When it hits, get the feelings out and cry all you want. Eventually that stage will leave and a slightly better one will replace it.

Hugs,

Shell

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yeah, don't feel guilty for whatever you're doing, for crying, playing videogames, discussion boards, venting on discussion boards, as someone said to me, that's what we're here for...don't beat yourself up, from one who knows!

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  • 1 month later...

Wow, I feel like it's been a lifetime since I last came. I lost my internet service for many weeks, and I didn't realize how much I missed this place.

So, it's been 4 months now... 4 months and I can't get past the denial stage. I am getting a little bit worried by now, because I don't want to bottle this up for 20 years, so I started counceling last friday. I do not wish to leave my denial cloud, but I know I'll eventually have to do it, and I rather have someone close.

Although I do not cry much for my mother's loss, I do cry for things surrounding this loss. When the cancer was detected, I had a feeling this was just the tip of the iceberg, and this situation was going to unveil so many truths, I just didn't know how bad this was going to be.

We have been sorting her things for the past weeks. Since I don't own a car, I have to go every weekend and take things little by little, unlike my siblings, who only made 1 trip. But it gets me out of bed on sundays, and gets me to visit my oldest sister, which is nice, we haven't been too close since she married almost 25 years ago. This is a nice oportunity to feel I have an oldest sister rather than a distant cousin.

I am still having troubles sleeping, except I am awake at night, but I am like a narcoleptic at the office, dozing off every 15 minutes. I am tired, physically and emotionally.

I have set apart many things I want to do when the snowball turns into an avalanche, and most are things she didn't finish, projects she didn't have time to finish, like her knitting or embroidering, setting an altar for her, traveling to places she would like to have visited, and talk to her while I trip, talk to her about how amazed I am, or the next step we should take, just let her guide me to wherever she would have liked to see. I am also trying to come up with ideas for the day of the dead, the only day of the year the dead come and spend some time with the mortals according to mexican tradition (I truly hope this is not the only day of the year, but I can use this day to make it even more special).

I was taking metidation courses, but my spiritual guide has been having attitudes I do not see fit for someone so spiritual oriented. Thus, I started to doubt many things, and since then, I seem to have closed my senses. If I ever felt my mother was around, I don't feel it anymore, but my brother says he does feel her, so I guess she is around us. I just wish I could open up again. I guess all this doubting has to do with some anger issues I have been having lately, and I guess this too, is a phase.

I seem to guess many things, but I know nothing for a fact. I feel lost. Confused, and lost, and so lonely. Funny thing, being the 5th in a family of 7, and feeling so lonely. Bless this place. Bless you all. And good luck to me next friday.

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Jester,

It's so good to see you back on the boards! Four months is still in the early stages, so what you are feeling is normal. Yes, the anger too. I am so impressed with the plans you have made! It is wonderful that you want to finish things your mom couldn't and "share" trips with her.

Can you explain the "day of the dead" you mentioned. I'm intrigued!

I think you are doing very well. Keep up the good work.

Hugs,

Shell

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Oh, the day of the dead is my favorite holiday of the year. It is a handful of indian (maya, aztec and other groups) traditions, but as with every tradition in Mexico, it has suffered some changes due to the spanish conquest and the catholicism forced to the indians; so our traditions are a mutation of both cultures.

The day of the dead is the day the dead are allowed to come and spend time with us. The 1st of November we celebrate the day of the saints, or more popularly known as the day of the dead children. Altars are placed at homes, schools, offices, the street, decorated with colorful paper cut in many shapes, flowers, particularly one called cempazuchitl (marigold, I believe), a very bright orange flower also refered to as the flower of the dead. We also put calaveritas de azucar, or sugar skulls, which are skulls made entirely out of sugar (I think the explanation was not neccesary) and decorated in colorful ways with more sugar, and they bear the name of the dead person we are honoring. We also eat bread of the dead, which is a sweet bread, covered in sugar, and we place candles on the altar, pictures of the departed, and toys for the children, mainly typical toys as wooden trucks and dolls. We also put traditional candy, and burn copal, something similar to incense whcih is burnt as well, but has a very peculiar smell, a smell not forgotten.

The day after, on November 2nd, we celebrate the adults, in the same altar, we offer the adults things they used to like, as tequila, or a pack of cigarrettes, and the dead's favorite food, because we believe the dead eat the food someway or another.

This is also celebrated on cementeries, the living clean the graves, and place their offerings of flowers, food, candy on top of the grave, and spend the day there. It is amazing how colorful the city looks on the day of the dead, ironically cementaries turn into a very lively place and going to cementeries is a breathtaking experience.

What makes the day of the dead different here than in any other country in the world, is that we party that day, the day of the dead is a joyful ocassion; a vision that makes us mexicans seem morbid on the death topic. The way we see it is, if you were allowed to see a loved one only once a year, would you spend the entire day moaning about how much you have missed and how much you are going to miss this person all year long, or would you make the best of every second you have with this person?

So, we reunite with family and friends around the altar, and remember the dead by telling funny stories and jokes and things that would make the dead happy that day.

In Mexico City, the day of the dead and halloween are sometimes celebrated together, but in little towns, where globalization does not have such a huge impact as it does in the city, the day of the dead is celebrated in a more pure and traditional way, and it is an interesting experience, and worth comming to Mexico for. On the streets, asides from offerings and dancing, it is typical to see skeletons in papier mache (excuse the spelling) dressed in some way, like musicians or dancers; and sculptures and drawings showing skeletons dancing, playing poker or playing music, are typical, all showing the dead being happy and enjoying the afterlife.

We also have the traditional "calaveritas" (skulls) which are pieces of poetry written in the way of an epitaph, but for people who are alive, and those epitaphs are comical. It is not strange to see calaveritas about famous actors, politicians, even the president gets one or two on the newspaper every year.

I don't think I can put pictures here, but google some day of the dead images:)

Since I am half american, I allow myself to deviate a little bit on this topic, and many patriotics here frown on my altars because I cannot concieve an altar without carved pumpkins, as many as I can afford, and I do use some elements more commonly used in halloween. I am used to placing the altar with my mother, not FOR my mother, so this year will be strange, a mixture of feelings of sadness and trying to be joyful. I might loose the little mind I have left, but I have to make it special this year.

I hope this sums it up, Shell, thanks for your kind words, you are full of light, and thank you for asking, I love to talk about the day of the dead. And sorry for the length of the post, I get carried away with this topic.

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Last year, I was miserable, missing my ex-husband. A woman on another web site about grief told me about the Day of the Dead -- about the altar, and pictures, the sugar skulls and marigolds. And the bread and eating tamales. So I set up an altar and got some marigolds and put up photos of my ex. Then I added photos of everyone else in my friends and family who have died. I didn't have skulls made out of sugar, but I found some for Halloween that were candles in the shape of skulls, so I used those. It made me feel better. I lit candles and ate the bread and tamales. It did help. It was nice to have a day to commemorate all those who have died. There is Memorial Day, of course, but my family never really did much for that day.

Ann

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I am really happy you liked the idea, both of you, please let me know how it goes, I will try to post pics after this day, and think of you and your losses on this day, and pray you have a wonderful day with your loved ones.

Bless you.

Victoria

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