Boyfriend broke up with me after his mother passed

[Jewl]

my first ever boyfriend I dated for four years and it was great and his dad suddenly died and he changed. He took all his anger out on me and it was around the same time I was starting college. I met this great guy who was openly interested in me who I became instant friends with while I was still dating my first boyfriend. eventually, my first boyfriend and I broke up and I started dating the new guy a few months later. When we were still friends, he told me his mom had cancer and I was the only one who knew. This year, his mom passed away. He didn't tell me for three days. it was pretty normal and he didn't speak on it that much but I could just tell it was weighing on him and I just wanted to be able to be there for him. When we went home for Christmas break I really noticed a change in him, probably because it was his first real time being home without her. We decided to study abroad and we actually went and it was pretty normal at first. He met this girl that all our friends were mutual with and she was a really close friend to him... maybe a little too close. We were sent home because of corona and I actually quarantined with him for two weeks. Once we returned to his actual house he was super normal and I thought I had him just to myself again. Before I left for home, he broke up with me. He told me he couldn't love me because he cant feel anything. he told me he didn't want to do the same thing my ex did to me. he told me hes still so in love and wants to marry me but he just cant be in a relationship right now. he told me all these romantic things and meaningful things about how I changed his life. so when I went home, I honestly didn't feel like it was that different. its been about two months now and I talked to him a few days ago and he said we aren't getting back together but he still sees a family with me. he still misses me and wants me to be his best friend because he cant live without me. when we talk, its so normal and so fun. I know everything about this boy and I love him with my whole heart. im in complete shock that I lost him. he means more to me than literally anything. I feel so alone with such a deep sense of sadness that is incurable. all I want is him but I know thats not right. im just so nervous to go back to school and have everything be different. I want to let go but the only thing that makes me feel less awful is the fantasy that we can have a life and relationship again. I cant believe this happened to me twice with the only boys ive ever dated. I just need some kind words or advice to hold onto.

 

Ps my first ex wrote me a 3 page apology and stuck it in my mailbox which isn't helping my emotions either

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Jewl said:

I want to let go but the only thing that makes me feel less awful is the fantasy that we can have a life and relationship again.

First let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this, not once, but twice.

He's giving you mixed messages, which isn't fair to YOU.  I realize, to his credit, he doesn't know his own mind right now but it's important for you to focus on YOU, just as he is focusing on himself.  Please do not put your life on hold in the hopes that "maybe..." because it's a 99% chance "maybe" will never occur.  You have what is happening right now and his actions speak louder than his words, they are what you must go by.  Yes he has mixed feelings, but he's not acting on the whole of them, he's acting on the part.  If you read all of the threads in this section (hundreds, and I have) I recall only one couple that made it through intact after a break up due to loss/grief...a certain percentage of grievers do respond in this way, having nothing in them to give to a relationship.  And what really gets my attention is that no matter how much time goes by or how much you're there for him or waiting in the wings, they don't reconcile.  Also, word of caution:  it's best to have a no contact period of at least a few months to allow yourselves time for healing and clarity.  In the beginning it will be really hard but if you stick to it, you'll see what I'm talking about.

From one who has been there...here is my story: 

 

[Jewl]

I appreciate your directness and after reading some of these threads I have lost a lot of hope seeing such similar things happen to people. im going to try to make this about me and not belittle myself to be treated this way. its just really really difficult because I thought he was better than this. he is such a complex and unique person that im still so scared to lose him. its hard to face the facts of how this has effected us especially because we were actually so happy before and it felt so perfect that we just fit into each other. im going to try not to text him today and then ill try the same tomorrow and see if/when he reaches out. I just feel really lost and alone.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, Jewl said:

I thought he was better than this.

It's not their fault, this is their way, they have no more control over their grief response than we do.  So we can forgive them but ultimately must proceed with what is healthy for ourselves.
Don't wait on pins and needles.  Remove him from social media and try going a few months w/o contact and THEN see how you feel, if you are able to connect as friends, fine, if not, fine too.  I am still friends with Jim ten years later but let go of hoping for reconciliation early on and am glad I did...he never did try to reconnect as such, but he gave me mixed messages when we first reconnected...I soon saw what that was doing to me emotionally and steeled my heart to not pay heed to what he said so much as what I knew to be true inside of me, it's good that I did, otherwise we could not have been friends even.

[Kieron]

Reminds me of the wise words from Iyanla Vanzant: "You have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have to leave them there."  Sad, but true.

[kayc]

23 hours ago, Jewl said:

I just feel really lost and alone.

You have not lost your best friend, we are our own best friend, I've discovered that.  And you can come here any time with your thoughts and feelings, we will not judge, even if you do something we do not feel in your best interest, we will be here for you and care.

Kieron, that is a poignant and true quote.  You are ever wise.

[Jewl]

what if he won't forgive me for not talking to him when he needs me? 

[kayc]

Do not worry about him not forgiving you, try to focus on YOU and YOUR healing!  (((hugs)))

[Jewl]

he still texts me asking about my day. its so hard not to respond. I can tell he still loves me so much. I dont want to ruin my chances to get back together

[kayc]

I understand.  I know the longer you hold on waiting for him, you'll prolong the healing process but that's a decision only you can make.  That's why no contact is recommended because by reading his texts, it's torturing you.