I feel horrible, my cat died because I didn't notice she was in the dryer..

[Marcella]

Hello Everyone, 

I feel like I need to share our story.. Yesterday, July 15, 2020 we lost our cat, Cruella, because I didn't notice she was in the dryer when I loaded my sheet and comforter in there. The dryer was empty when I loaded the sheet so she must've jumped in right after and right before I threw in the comforter. I closed the dryer door (no noise from cat or movement) and then turned it on (still no meowing), the only thing I remember hearing was a thump. I figured the thump was from the wet blanket rolling around in the dryer so I walked away and continued with my evening tasks around the house. It must've been about 20-30 min later when I went to check on dryer and when I pulled out the sheet I saw her body laying there. I screamed for my husband. We cried. I carried her body to the living room and we both started crying. She was my husbands favorite cat. They had a special bond. She would give him hugs and wait for him to come home from work to give him more hugs. I feel horrible and guilty. How could I have not noticed her?? She was a large size cat. She was only 1.5 years old and I feel like I stole her future from her. I could barely function today. My eyes so swollen from all the crying that I couldn't bare going to work and people asking what happened.I keep on asking myself, why didn't I just go and check on that thumping noise when I heard it, then she would still be here with us. After reading through everyone else's stories I feel like I'm not alone. This was a a very tragic accident. I hope this feeling of guilt will eventually lessen. Does it? 

 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Marcella. Sadly enough, your story is not at all uncommon, and it breaks my heart each time I learn of yet another incident like this. See Curious Cats Get Killed in Clothes Dryers and Curious Cats Still Getting Killed in Clothes Dryers

[kayc]

I am so so sorry, that must have been horrific to discover.  It is way more common than we'd think, also animals getting their heads stuck in cereal bags.  It was a fair assumption on your part if you'd never heard of such a thing.  I want you to do an exercise for me..."What would you tell your best friend if they were going through this?"  Then tell yourself that.  You see, this is a time when you need love, forgiveness, patience, understanding, not judgment, not berating, and certainly not guilt.  Guilt's purpose in our lives is to teach us something so we don't repeat it...you've already taken note and will be extremely careful in the future, I know you will!  There comes a time to put up the hand to guilt as it's no longer serving a purpose to us but actually holding us captive and keeping us there.  I had my dog Fluffy crawl into my van unbeknownst to me when the back end was open, and he hid and was quiet, not wanting to get in trouble, he just wanted to go for a ride.  At the end of my workday, I opened the door...it was August and very hot, the van closed tight all day, and he rolled out into my arms, stiff as a board.  I felt much as you do.  That was about 23 years ago.  I will never forget that night, although the pain is not as intense as it was at first...I was in shock.  I learned to never leave the door open on a vehicle if one of my animals is out.

Here are some articles I hope will be of help to you:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
 

[Marcella]

Thank you very much MartyT and Kayc for your support and kinds words and all the links you shared with me. I really am so grateful to have found this group. I was at a loss and couldn't sleep the night this happened and I came across Grief Healing. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found this group. I know that in time the guilt that I feel so strongly right now will slowly lessen but right now it is still so fresh.

Kayc, I appreciate you sharing your story about Fluffy. I'm so sorry that you went through this as well. It must've been so heartbreaking. 

[kayc]

It was devastating to our whole family, He was the sweetest family dog and went everywhere with us.  My daughter had a date that night and they sat on a curb and he held her while she cried.  We don't forget these things, but we live through them somehow.  I wish no one had to ever experience this.

It takes time to forgive ourselves for what "we should have known and didn't"...we didn't know, it was an accident.  I hope you'll read through the articles until it begins to seep in.

If you had a friend going through this, what would you tell her?  Tell yourself the same thing.  It's important to be understanding and kind with ourselves as well as we would others.

[Selturtle213]

Accident...an accident occurs when a normal activity or action has negative results which were totally unintended.  The tragic death of your Cruella resulted from a normal activity of loading the dryer.  You have done it many times in the past and the result was always as intended...you dried the clothes.  This time something went wrong...an accident occurred.

Guilt is a term that I reserve for an intentional act that results in damage, destruction or even death.  It is an act completed with full intent to cause damage, destruction or death.  Unless you intentionally placed Cruella in the dryer, unless you intentionally shut the door to harm her then you have no guilt.  You cannot claim guilt although you may try to put guilt upon yourself by thinking what if, why didn't I, if only, etc.  We can second guess forever and drag ourselves into the depths claiming guilt and damnation.  You did the right thing at the right time with the knowledge that you had available to you.  Marcella, this is not guilt...this is a tragic accident.

I have been facilitating a grief support group for human death and also a pet bereavement group for years and guilt is something that will leave you stuck in grief.  Yes, now you are grieving and this is normal.  Where there was love there is now grief.  Cruella gave you unconditional love and you returned the same to her.  She would not put blame on you and she would not want you to blame yourself.  Move forward with your life cherishing the precious memories that you and Cruella made together.  I believe in the Rainbow Bridge because I want to.  That is all the proof I need to know that God's creatures who shared love with me will be there to greet me when it is my time to cross the bridge.  The greatest tribute you can make for Cruella is to move forward always remembering all the great times you shared.

[kayc]

One important distinction:  We FEEL guilty because we see ourselves in the role of protectors.  But because we are not always able to predict what will happen or because we are human and don't always have foreknowledge, that does not MAKE us guilty.  Forgiving ourselves is for US because we deserve to be released from "guilt", not because we earned or deserved that label.  We are our own harshest critics.  That's why I tell people..."What would you tell your best friend if they were in this scenario?"  Tell YOURSELF that same thing!  Be kind and understanding of yourself, forgiving, patient.  When we do not let go of the guilt label, we are bound by it's power to hold us there, and that is not productive, not for our animals, not for us.

Hoping your days continue to get a bit better, I know this is a process.