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Events During Grief


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Hi: After taking care of my dad for the past two years and keeping with his wishes to die at home, I lost my dad 3 1/2 months ago. I'll just say I have good days and bad days, as so many of you can relate.

I have a situation where we are invited to a wedding. It is for my husband's nephew. The mother is my husband's sister. When my dad died, she never came to the wake, funeral or even sent a card. So I get this invitation to the shower for her future daughter-in-law and I r.s.v.p'ed that I would not be coming to that. Now we get the invitation to the wedding. I DON'T want to go. But I feel that I should for my husband's sake. He does not come from a tight-knit family at all. But out of all of his siblings, I was really surprised she did not acknowledge my dad's passing and REALLY hurt. His other family members came to the wake and funeral or at least called.

I feel a wedding is a big family event and I should acknowledge it whether I want to or not. That's the way I am. BUT: I was so hurt and angry that she never even acknowledged my dad's passing. So on one hand, I don't want to even acknowledge this shower and wedding because of what she did not do. And on the other hand, with the grieving process I've been going through, I'm only comfortable right now with certain people and places. I've been trying to do what's comfortable for me during this process as was suggested by people at a bereavement group I had been going to.

But what is the right thing for attending events during a bereavement period? Does that question make sense? Better yet, do I have to? I want to do the right thing.

Thanks,

HSMom

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HS Mom,

I can understand. I lost my Dad on 5/26/06. The important thing to do is what feels right. There is no right or wrong way of greiving.

You mentioned in your post: " When my dad died, she[your husbands sister] never came to the wake, funeral or even sent a card." I have a very close friend who did the same. I asked her about the situaiton 3 weeks after it had happened. Her response to me was that she was too distraught and knew how I was doing at the time(not good), that she was not able to acknowledge it. She did sign the guest book on line, after I had asked her about it.

I am not sure if it the same situaiton or not but I hope it is helpful.

It does get easier with time thought it is never really fully healed.

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HS Mom,

I dropped several people after my father died and have not spoken to them since, because they offered no support to me. Maybe this is wrong, I don't know. I realize people have their reasons (not knowing what to say, uncomfortable with death, blah, blah, blah) for not giving support, but frankly I'm sick of excusing them! Especially people who have been long, long time friends (or so I thought!) and whom I have offered support to when they were going through something rough.

I know being your husbands family makes it rough, but I do know how you feel, and you have no reason to feel guilty about your feelings. It's a tough decision to make but you have to do what's best for YOU. And your grief is so new. I couldn't imagine having to attend anything like that after just three and a half months. If you don't go, your husband can just tell people you weren't up to it due to your dads death....if they don't understand, too bad.

That's just my take on it. Hope it helps.

Hugs to you,

Shell

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I'm with Shell on this. My suggestion: Send her a gift and a card acknowledging the event and stay home if you think it will make you feel better rather than attending a happy ocassion when you are not up to it, especially if looking at the bride will twist your liver at this moment. Attending a wedding is optional anyways, not an obligation.

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im sorry about your dad. i lost my mom this past november due to complications from alzheimers disease.

whatever her reason, your sil should have acknowledged your loss. you have a right to feel hurt. just as you have the right to do what you want in terms of going to the wedding or not.

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Oh thank you so much for the replies! I thought I was so alone with my feeling angry. I felt like the big bad bi.... My husband is very supportive and tells me to do whatever is comfortable for me. He probably won't even go himself in order to support my decision. I leave that freedom up to him.

I'm a true people-pleaser and my in-laws know this. But I find more and more that after taking care of my dad for the past two years and being with him until his last breath, it has really changed me forever as a person. I'm realizing what is most important in my life. When she didn't even come or acknowledge I was so hurt. It's very typical and they use excuses all of the time, but a wake is a wake and you either go and support or you don't. She chose not to. Now the way his dysfunctional family works is that I will become the villan if I stand up for myself and say, "Hey she wasn't there for me, why should I be there to attend her son's wedding?" It will all turn on me. They also will not consider the fact that I am grieving. They believe I should get on with my life. These are people that when my mother-in-law's father passed on, she just had him buried with no funeral or anyting. My husband insisted on finding the grave and all of us meeting to at least pray. It was a complete horrendous joke. But as I say, I have felt changed and am really focusing on being with people I love and who love and support me.

So thank you all. As a matter of fact I will start a new topic here. See "Weeding through..."

Hugs to all,

HSMom

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi HSMOM

I agree with everyone who has posted their suggestions, I too would have felt hurt and no matter what has happened in the family she should have come to the funeral and paid her respects. I think family is very important and even though there might be bad things happen it is the only family you have. And if you can not turn to them then what do you have. So HSMOM I can not even imagine what I would do in this was my family. Take care and I will keep you in my prayers Shelley

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