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Lost my childhood cat pt 4


amboehlen

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It's been 4 days since we rushed Westley to the hospital unexpectedly. It was another day full of distractions. I was able to do the dishes that have been sitting in the sink since that night, which felt like a huge accomplishment. My husband went off to the store and I decided to stay behind to see how I could handle alone time. I'm holding up ok but that hole that my Westley left when he departed is at the front of my attention now. My chest is tight, my heart feels empty. I want so desperately to hold him. I want to kiss him. My brain is still resisting the fact that he's gone. The tears have slowed down, but I still feel anxious going into my bedroom knowing that Westley won't be there.

I've been leaving the lights on in the bedroom all day. Keeping them off feels weird, like my brain is saying "Ah it's dark in here, that's why you can't see Westley. He's still here though." It hurts. It doesn't feel real. Maybe I'm at the denial part of my grief, but I don't actually know what denial will feel like, I'd love some feedback on how you all felt during this stage of grief. I know the event happened but I can't wrap my head around the fact that the event took him away, and that's he's really gone forever. I'm never going to see him again. When the vet's office called to give their condolences, my mind immediately jumped to, "It's a miracle, they saved him and they're calling to let me know to come bring him home". 

I'm lost. I'm confused. I feel empty. I miss my cat.

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My dear, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I struggled with that feeling, my mind kept trying to figure out ways that I might get her back Every time I had to tell myself that all the thinking in circles wasn't going to bring her back, I was devastated over and over again. If I get up at night and walk in the dark I still feel a need to watch where I'm stepping. For me that's a big part of what the word "grieving" came to mean - telling my heart over and over again that I can't bring her back. Again I'm really sorry you are going through this, but please be assured that it is indeed a very normal part of grieving. It sucks. Be kind to yourself and as always, we are here for you whenever you wish. My heart aches for you and with you.

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2 minutes ago, Gracie4ever said:

If I get up at night and walk in the dark I still feel a need to watch where I'm stepping. 

I can definitely relate to this, I still wake up in the middle of the night and roll over carefully so I don't disturb my sleeping cat. I can still feel him sleeping at my feet or between my legs. It will definitely take some adjusting

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I've lost 15 cats, 9 dogs, and 2 parakeets, not counting chickens and pigeons too numerous to count.  I can say it doesn't get easier with each one, no matter how many times you've been through it.  Our grief = the love and bond we have with that animal.  With me the hardest was Arlie, but also, the hardest is the one you are grieving now.  Each one is just different and unique as they were.

I don't know that it's denial so much as just difficult to process and fully realize  that they who were a huge part of our lives and in our everyday lives are now gone.  All of the mulling it over, back and forth, is not doing nothing, it is part of our processing, letting it sink in, little by little.  Eventually we fully realize it and no longer expect to see them there.  That makes me kind of sad and yet it's also what we need...we cannot continue in limbo the rest of our lives, it's not to be coveted or healthy, but if you're under a year in this, I would not worry if it's hard for you to grasp, this is all a work in progress. :wub:

 

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