Help! I do not know what to do about my relationship after the death of my mother

[Itiolalove]

In 2017, was arrested for a white collar crime, plead guilty, I was jailed and I was out December 29 2018. I was struggling with myself and my life at that point. I had lost everything and was going through a lot of pain as I felt I had let my family down. My mother was distraught and sad, all through this event.

 

I met a lady in June 2019 on a dating app which I decided to try as I lost my self belief and confidence, when I met her. She was 3 years older with a 10 year old child. I told her my story and she accepted to still be with me. So we started dating officially in August 2019, after some 2 months , I realized she wasn’t the type of woman I need in my life to rebuild and I tried to broke it off as we were always arguing and fighting . I had my faults also due to my PTSD as an ex-convict.

 

Also in September 2019, my elder brother was arrested in transit in another country and he is still in prison till now and I am the one carrying the burden to handle his legal matter and all. 

 

My mother was devastated as my brother was her favorite.

 

It made my PTSD worse and I was feeling like I was suffocating in my relationship . So I had to break up and I discussed with her but she will cry and cause a scene each time.

 

The relationship was off and on until we finally broke in May 2020 and we were not in contact again. 

 

Things started looking up for me financially after the break up, business booming , got myself a car and things were falling in place for me until suddenly my mother passed away in her sleep while abroad at my sister’s place on October 1 due to a heart disease which was as a result of all I and my brother went through.

 

This news made me numb, I am lost and I want to just be alone. I felt like I killed her, I felt like I didn’t do enough and if I had stayed away from crime she would still be alive . I am blaming myself and looking for redemption .

 

We buried her aboard on October 20 , I couldn’t pay my last respect because of COVID . We had to do her funeral over there. Struggling to leave. 

 

A week after the funeral my ex-gf reached out and asked to come see me . Which I agreed because it’s only a condolence visit.

 

On her second visit which was November 7th , she brought up relationship issue that she thinks we should come back and all. I was like no, I do not want any commitment or relationship for now. I just buried my mother for crying out loud and told her how I was feeling mentally. She said she would stay over anyway and we had sex. 

 

She woke up in the morning talking about the relationship again and I explained to her that I am grieving and in pains.

 

She said she understood , I realized she’s always chatting me up like we were dating so I decided to start avoiding her. She wanted to come twice but I refused.

 

12 days after we had sex she showed up drunk and said she’s pregnant and we need to plan a wedding as she can’t give birth to another child out of wedlock. I was shocked , angry and numb. I told her but I already let you know my mental state and why I do not want to be in a committed relationship. 

 

I am still processing the loss of my mother and I’ve not even accepted the reality and I just want to be alone.

 

Since November 19 that she broke the news of the pregnancy, she’s been demanding we get married ASAP.

 

According to her yesterday, she’s now a month pregnant and she has to move in with me immediately. 

 

I refused that I don’t want to be with anyone, I have accepted the baby, but I don’t want to marry, I don’t want a relationship . 

 

So it got to a point where she said... It’s either we get married before she gives birth or I take her to do abortion.

 

I do not know what to do. 

 

But I know she’s not a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I also know I want to be alone for now.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in such difficult circumstances, but it seems to me you already know what your gut is telling you to do. As you say,

6 hours ago, Itiolalove said:

I know she’s not a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I also know I want to be alone for now.

Since you've expressed your willingness "to accept the baby" ~ which I assume means that you will provide child support ~ it seems to me the rest is up to her.  If you don't feel strong enough to stick with your decision, I urge you to seek the support of a qualified counselor or therapist to guide you. 

[Itiolalove]

Thank you @MartyT. Yes, I am ready to provide child support and be there as a father but I do not want to get married for now. I will try to be strong and stand my ground. Appreciate the reply. 

[kayc]

I am so sorry you are going through this but please understand, she can only put you through what you allow her too.  Two wrongs don't make a right.  You are already well aware and have made clear to her that you do NOT want to pursue a relationship with her.  If she's pregnant, you accept responsibility for the child, but that does NOT mean she gets to blackmail you into being with her for life!  Not now, not ever!  She CANNOT force you to do otherwise by threats or coercion.   She will do whatever she is going to do and you can not change that, although I personally believe men should have equal say in what happens to their child.  You do not, at this point, even know for sure if it IS your child or if she set you up, already suspecting she was pregnant.  I've seen enough in life to make me skeptical, but before they'd have you pay child support or put your name on the birth certificate, they would have to ascertain if it IS your child or not.  I've seen men compelled falsely into this role.  But that STILL does not mean you need to accept responsibility for HER for the rest of your life, NO!  I'm so thankful you are self aware and know what is good for you and what is a deterrent, keep listening to that inner voice of yours!

Be strong in your stand, do what YOU feel is right for you and your (assuming) baby.  It's up to HER to be responsible for HER though.  I commend you for being there for your mom and brother, and trying to better your life by being what you need to be for YOU.  You may have learned some things the hard way, but it sounds like you're getting there!  I wish you well.

[Itiolalove]

20 minutes ago, kayc said:

I am so sorry you are going through this but please understand, she can only put you through what you allow her too.  Two wrongs don't make a right.  You are already well aware and have made clear to her that you do NOT want to pursue a relationship with her.  If she's pregnant, you accept responsibility for the child, but that does NOT mean she gets to blackmail you into being with her for life!  Not now, not ever!  She CANNOT force you to do otherwise by threats or coercion.   She will do whatever she is going to do and you can not change that, although I personally believe men should have equal say in what happens to their child.  You do not, at this point, even know for sure if it IS your child or if she set you up, already suspecting she was pregnant.  I've seen enough in life to make me skeptical, but before they'd have you pay child support or put your name on the birth certificate, they would have to ascertain if it IS your child or not.  I've seen men compelled falsely into this role.  But that STILL does not mean you need to accept responsibility for HER for the rest of your life, NO!  I'm so thankful you are self aware and know what is good for you and what is a deterrent, keep listening to that inner voice of yours!

Be strong in your stand, do what YOU feel is right for you and your (assuming) baby.  It's up to HER to be responsible for HER though.  I commend you for being there for your mom and brother, and trying to better your life by being what you need to be for YOU.  You may have learned some things the hard way, but it sounds like you're getting there!  I wish you well.

Thanks a lot for this. I will be strong in my stand and do what I feel is right. 

[kayc]

Good for you!  Nothing good can come from coercion.

 

[Itiolalove]

On 12/21/2020 at 6:56 PM, kayc said:

Good for you!  Nothing good can come from coercion.

 

Thank you. She has given me two new options.

saying we don’t have to marry, but she has to move in with me or she aborts the baby.

I told her moving in is what I don’t want as I need my space for now and I want to be alone most of the time while I heal.

she’s insisting, if I can’t allow her move in, then she has to abort the baby. 

[kayc]

And if she does, it's on her, not you.  I hope you've told her you will not allow her to coerce you or manipulate you and your wishes regarding the outcome of your baby.  What she chooses to do, unfortunately, you cannot control, but I do hope you'll voice your opinion.  I am so sorry.  I would never do that to someone myself, it shows a sign of immaturity on her part.  Wishing you the best going forward.

[Itiolalove]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

And if she does, it's on her, not you.  I hope you've told her you will not allow her to coerce you or manipulate you and your wishes regarding the outcome of your baby.  What she chooses to do, unfortunately, you cannot control, but I do hope you'll voice your opinion.  I am so sorry.  I would never do that to someone myself, it shows a sign of immaturity on her part.  Wishing you the best going forward.

Thank you . I will always voice my opinion to her