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I’m just trying to find some healing. I feel so numb at times. The last few years have been so hard adapting to change. I’m 20 years old, and lost my mom almost 5 years ago ( April ), to Domestic violence. I was there, and had to make the phone call. Something so traumatic that I’ll never get over. She was only 34. She leaves behind my 2 little brothers & I. Their father was the one who did it. 
it’s always been so hard to accept something like this. At times i feel like it’s so hard to go on. 
i need her more than ever. I feel so alone & it hurts knowing she won’t ever come back, all because some coward decided to murder her, and take her away from the ones who love her. 

im pretty independent, but at times it’s so hard because i realized it’s only getting worse, the older i get. Would just like someone to pray for me. I hope for better days. 

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My dear, I am so sorry that you lost your mother in such horrific and tragic circumstances. You don't say what, if any, support you had around you at the time, or what  support you have today. By that I mean do you have anyone in your circle (family member, friend, neighbor, classmate, teacher, pastor, counselor) with whom you are close enough to share your concerns, your thoughts and feelings about all of this? You have suffered a most traumatic loss, and you deserve the support of someone who understands this kind of loss and the trauma that undoubtedly complicates your grief. You might consider looking for a therapist or grief counselor whose practice includes treatment for traumatic loss.

At the very least, I want to point you to some resources that I hope you will find helpful and informative. Note the additional links included in each of these articles:

Surviving A Partner's Homicide   (Individual circumstances differ from yours, but the content still applies.)

Coping with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources  (See especiall the category entitled Specific Topics.)

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I am so sorry, you're in my prayers, I'm glad you've reached out.  I do hope you have contacts with a church or somewhere, family support system, very young to go through this.  Who finished raising you, do you have a good relationship with them?

I agree that counseling could be of benefit with such trauma.  Do you go to school?  Most colleges offer counselors available.

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Hi, Thank you. I have some type of support, but mainly through friends, and a few family members. I guess you could say I don't have the typical family. They all deal with their own issues, and some that I could call my close family, aren't in the best place to really have the time to care or listen to my feelings. My mother really raised me to be different from the rest of my family, and ill forever be grateful for that, because I now understand why. A lot of them are drunks or druggies.

I honestly hopped around a few times within family members home over the span of the almost 5 years without my mom. probably 4 times. Within each home, I was definitely done dirty one way or another. I guess you could say my family is "toxic." I honestly Never got the opportunity to heal or grieve correctly with the help of my family, because they all handled it differently, even with me having to have been the one to experience it first hand. To be the one to have to make the call. Its all really unfortunate. 

So now I live on my own renting out a room in someones home. ill be 21 this year, and I'd honestly rather live with family right now. especially during these years, to heal but because they're not right in their own minds, I feel like I have to deal with it by myself, and it is so hard, but Im getting by. I definitely plan to get back into therapy, because as I get older, it truly only is getting harder. 

sorry to go on and on.

thank you for taking the time to reach out. It gave me some comfort. 

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Natajah, I also was raised in a toxic dysfunctional home (both parents were) but with the exception that my sisters and I were always each other's support and best friends.  I can't picture living with them though, we're all very different.  I could with Peggy but she's a chain smoker, not good for my allergies and asthma, so it's hard to even visit as it's so smokey.  But I love her with all my heart and fear I won't have her much longer (she's 76 and has never taken care of herself, like she's committing passive suicide).

I admire and respect you for going it alone and doing what is best for YOU.  :wub:  You are years ahead of most as you realize what is toxic vs what is healthy and consider that foremost.  I was on my own at 17 but made the mistake of marrying...super bad idea at the time!  But I believe nothing is a waste so we cannot spend our lives in regret because everything carries with it a valuable lesson if we allow it to...doesn't mean I wouldn't do things differently if I had a do-over, most of us have something we would do differently if given a chance, but that just means we have learned through it and realize things now that we didn't then.

I'm glad you intend to get back into therapy, gosh, I've had plenty of that in my life and am glad for it!  It's good to know when we need some help, always good to learn!

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Wow thank you for sharing that with me. It seems that you do whats best for YOU as well. Ive learned that not all family is good for you. Some family you just have to love from a far. Thank you so much for your words of advice. It truly felt so nice to receive a response. I believe life will get better for me. Although its so hard. now, I try to tell myself it is all temporary and will get better 

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