Another "Trigger" In The History Books

[Olegeezer]

I managed to put another trigger day behind me this past Sunday.  My wife and I tied the knot on March 7th.  This year's would have been our 46th anniversary. I am so totally and eternally grateful for the 41 years that she and I were together. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. To borrow a phrase from a good movie, "she made me want to be a better man."  I still so terribly miss her physical presence.  But on New Year's Day, 2016 our time together had to come to an end. The toughest decision I ever had to make was the decision take her off of "life support." Doing it was the only right thing to do, but that didn't make it any easier for the words to leave my mouth. But I suppose that that sort of decision should never be easy.

This apartment sure seems empty now. Not only because my wife is no longer here, but also because my little fur baby isn't here anymore either.  Now it's just me. I manage to keep myself occupied each day.  But even though I'm into year 6 without my wife, there are still too many days when the silence is awfully deafening. I'm not sure that I will ever get over my wife no longer being here with me. Heck, I'm not even sure that I want to. I still miss her presence terribly. There isn't anything to do except to continue putting...

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Olegeezer said:

To borrow a phrase from a good movie, "she made me want to be a better man." 

I love that!  That should be part of someone's criteria for marrying, imo.  The effect we have on each other or together as a couple makes such a difference!

I'm sorry for the triggers, I know how hard they are...this never quits, does it!

And I love having your

5 hours ago, Olegeezer said:

One foot in front of the other...

 

[Gwenivere]

qqqI can’t imagine having to make the decision you did, Darrel.  A terrible end to what was a beautiful life  together.  I wish we could all wipe that one memory out of when we lost them as it is so terribly cruel and hard to carry.  I had Steve in my life starting haphazardly for almost 39 years.  Also 6 years without him now and lost one dog, our last dog together, but do have another.  She’s great but reminds me everything I knew of 'us' is gone now.  I pass the days too, but I don’t ever really feel like they have any meaning, just another day to cross off.  I miss our plans or non plans.  This place is too quiet.  Doesn’t matter if there TV or music.  It’s lack of his voice and noises that make it so empty.  

The anniversaries alone are so hard.  I just passed what would have been our 38th. Stopped with him at 32.  They were such happy days transformed now as all special days.  I know none of us living alone now ever envisioned this when we started thru this journey.  Those living with family have more contact, but it’s still not the same.  I do envy they have someone that infuses life and can reply to talking.  Just someone to keep life.....alive.....in this loss.  To care about and about us.  

I’m running out of ways to keep busy as I age.  So many limits and I miss the things that brought meaning to us and myself with volunteering.  I was telling my counselor yesterday I haven’t figured out how to mesh my old and new lives.  I ping pong between both.  There is no middle ground but the feeling of being adrift between worlds and it’s terribly cold.

we were lucky to have them.   Now we are here.  As Kay said, the effect together was the magic.  Did we even acknowledge the part of the vows that said til death do us part?  Of course not.  It was the beginning and so full of promise as well as obstacles to solve.  But we’d always be together.  I know many believe this parting is temporary.  As I’ve always said, I wish I felt that too.  But I don’t know.  So it feels so darned lonely and no idea of what happens.  I can’t make myself believe we will be reunited to ease the pain.  You either do or you don’t feel it.  I do wish I  did so these repetitive days might feel like just waiting for something great when they end.

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 Did we even acknowledge the part of the vows that said til death do us part?  Of course not.

For me this was "until death do WE part," I never considered HE would depart leaving me alone most of my life!  Not that it would have changed anything, it was just unexpected, that's all.  I still would have gone for it, still would have chosen him, still would have loved him completely.  But oh man, the payment is dear, isn't it!

[Gwenivere]

There are many renditions.  Til death us do part is another and yes, the price is the highest.  I’d do it again as long as I didn’t know about this part.   It would have cast a shadow over more than 30 years.  If only we could start over.  I watch the young people now and see how much life they have ahead of them.  Hopefully happy life like we had it’s just occasional road bumps.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It would have cast a shadow over more than 30 years.

Oh I so agree!  I'm glad I did not know what would happen.  Those years were beautiful and I'm glad we had that innocent "not knowing."  As you say, it would have cast a heavy dark shadow, prohibiting our fully enjoying what was.