Still Lost

[JimJim]

Nancy's sister lives in New York, as we live in Colorado, so when Nancy was on life support in the hospital as they were running brain scans for any activity, her sister Susan flew out here and was there at the hospital when I was told no activity, and that they recommended that the machine be turned off, I can still feel and see if as if it were this morning, so I didn't know what to do, and hospice was there to console me and act as a consult, they give you the standard info like quality of life, and that it would be in the best interest to turn off the machine, I still remember clearly when the machine was disconnected, I began watching her breaths as I wanted to inhale the very last one into my lungs, so she would know she wasn't alone, and afterwards I was so lost, leaving the hospital after being told that she had to be taken down to the morgue, I don't have a clue how I made it back to the house, but in the home alone with just me and our cat Samantha, I was completely in denial, still are really, keep thinking it was all a mistake as I could still hear her in the bedroom calling out for me, so very surreal, as if I was somebody else looking down at me, after a few days her sister called and said she wanted to meet me for dinner, so we met and she gave me $200 dollars and that was the last I heard from her, never called to ask about arrangements or anything, don't ask me how I was able to arrange anything, as I actually don't remember, but I did and had a final service for her friends to say goodbye, afterwards purchased plots for the both of us to be side by side in Chicago, Nancy's hometown, and all through this never heard from her sister, I sent to her a memorial book that I had made, that included the final resting place with directions of how to get there and the number for the plot, and still no response, oh she did call me once about two weeks after the hospital, and told me not to worry as I would find someone else eventually, to this day I still cannot fathom being told this, especially by her own sister, needless to say I ended the call, so last month she sent me an email telling me that she would be in Colorado this summer and is wanting to go through our things still in storage, so that she could pick out the things that belong to the family, some furniture Nancy brought with her from Chicago back in 86, so she stops all contact with me for close to two years couldn't care less where Nancy is laid to rest, as if she completely erased Nancy from her life, but yet she wants to come here and take things that belonged to Nancy as her own, I am not comfortable with this, now all of a sudden she wants Nancy's belongings, I have discussed this with my psychologist and she tells me to follow my heart, anyways I was able to get Susan to postpone her trip telling her that I was leaving the state for a couple months, so that I could decide the right direction to take with all of this, I'm just in wonderment that she has the gall to ask for anything, I just don't understand some people. 

[kayc]

It's nigh impossible to understand the unfathomable.  Things we would never do to someone.  I'm sorry.  I would reiterate to follow what YOU feel best.  So sorry.   

[Gwenivere]

I truly feel for you on this.   I had one guy that inflicted some massive pain close to Steve’s death I cut out of my life.  As for possessions, I do believe everything Nancy had is totally yours now.  Unless her sister can prove it was something she owns, she has no right to it unless it was willed to her.  You’ve been thru so much in your own grief, I don’t think you should add to it by letting this person twist the knife of loss.  
 

it would be a hard thing to do, but can you firmly and honestly say 'no'?   Don’t debate it, get caught up in being manipulated or made to feel bad/guilty/selfish and drop any responsibility that you we owe any explanations beyond it’s your decision and you’re sticking to it?  
 

id just hate to see you give her the power to make your path harder than it is going to be as it is.  We’ve all had to cut people lose that acre toxic for us.  Sister or not, this women fits that description, IMO.

[JimJim]

I agree as well, her exact words were these things need to stay in the family, last time I checked I am Nancy's family, as if she thinks we were shacking up for the 24 years together, are going to tell her, you don't believe me, check with social security, or better yet see this marriage license, what does it say on there? that my dear sister in law, and I use that phrase lightly, allows me full power of attorney, as a matter of fact when sometimes Nancy and I would bring up the conversation of life and death, she made me promise her that not to give Susan anything, as she was always jealous that Nancy was given these things and not her, what she really wants are the antique rings that Nancy was given by their grandmother, very expensive, Nancy never sold them and neither would I, haven't told her yet but these items, I already had them Interred with Nancy, so sorry charlie, no can do! Are just going to have to be blunt about it, with a little class, and tell her that this is not debatable, when I leave this earth, then she can have it all. Ya know I don't recall in any of the times we spoke, that she offered any comfort, no remembrances of Nancy, as if she never existed, except to lay claim to her belongings, so that as it is, are going to leave her alone, no further contact required except to give her the news. Thank you all for your responses to this delicate matter, each and every minute of my existence will be to honor Nancy, what she gave to me cannot be bought, she helped me in every way possible, I would have never made it this far without her, she showed me the world through the eyes of an artist, always embracing new things and very adventurous, I wouldn't change a single thing about my life and the decisions I've made, after all, it brought me to her, and this is priceless, I was indeed a very rich man, I only wish I could've told her that, maybe I did in the little things that I would do for her, she loved to eat, so I would always make sure she had her treats, like fruit jello, Boston cream pies, Magnum Ice cream, Pistachios, all the good stuff, every time when I would go shopping on the way home from work, as I walked in the door, she would come to the kitchen, first ask for her kiss, then would stand there like a little girl at Christmas as I took things out of the bags, knowing that I would always have a surprise for her, and this made her happy, these precious thoughts I will always carry with me, even though they make me cry. Again our Thanks to you all for being there for us, it is truly appreciated, Sincerely Nancy and Jim.  P.S I never told Susan of Nancy's wishes for her not to receive any of her items, I wanted to spare her feelings, don't know why I thought that, apparently she never cared about mine. 

[Gwenivere]

Your Nancy did what my Steve did on shopping days.  He wouldn’t wait tho.  He’d start plowing thru the bags to see if I found something new to try, which I always tried to do.  Or some snack just for him.  A small but precious 'love you' ritual.  Sometimes, when he came with me, he’d get a little pouty who I’d nix something reminding him we had tons of goodies at home.  Then when we got home I’d get out whatever it was and say.....now how did that get there?  I was good at sneaky bagging.  
 

I’m glad your firm on not giving this woman anything.  I doubt I’d be magnanimous enough to leave anything to her after I left.  It’s dismaying seeing people become so ugly when death is so hard to have so significantly in our lives now.  Really makes me wonder about some people as I’ve never felt that about others possessions.  I do have a few things I specifically wants to go to people, but non personal stuff I don’t care.  I’m hoping my executor will donate what he can.  Or have an estate sale and donate the money.  He knows the charities we each chose in our wills.   

 

[kayc]

If her family let HER have them, they are yours.  

Are they disputing SHE was family?  Because you are HER family!

[JimJim]

That's funny that he would go plowing thru the bags to find what you brought home for him, so sweet a gesture, amazing how this would always brighten up his day, as it did with Nancy, she'd go back to the couch opening one of the items, and would have a sweet smile for me, this was worth all the gold in the world to me, ya know at work they would sometimes feed us, and they would go all out, so when I received my plate, I would every time wrap it up in the fridge and take it home to Nancy, as I knew I was guaranteed that smile, and as she would always say you brought me Din Din for the Tum Tum, God how I Love her so!  Gwen your stories of Steve are very sweet and loving, sounds as if you both found heaven on earth, perhaps you did, are not going that Nancy and I didn't create hell sometimes, we had our share, but thru it all, we prevailed with a bond stronger then it was before, we both became one, my therapist will tell me Jim you should have both held on to some autonomy, I tell her Doc that may be important to some, but it wasn't for us, would have been impossible as we could read each other like an open book, Nancy was a psychologist by trade, and once told me Jim you and I are very co-defendant, are you comfortable with that, remember taking her in my arms and whispering I wouldn't have it any other way.  For all of us who bear the pain of losing just not our partners, but life as we knew it, our Heart's go out to all of you ♥  Sincerely and always Nancy and Jim. 

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, JimJim said:

create hell sometimes, we had our share, but thru it all, we prevailed with a bond stronger then it was before, we both became one, my therapist will tell me Jim you should have both held on to some autonomy, I tell her Doc that may be important to some, but it wasn't for us, would have been impossible as we could read each other like an open book,

Oh yes, we had our hells.  It was making thru those that sealed our bond tighter.  Nothing left unresolved.  A promise we made to each other.  He tried for easy outs and running twice but couldn’t sustain it.  Magnets for each other.  I can’t say we were one, but we were each completed by the other.  So much so that losing him did take so much of me with him.  I changed that day and will never be the same.  
 

I once had a counselor that told me the same thing.  That we had not retained that autonomy, different words tho.  I had to think about how I would stop something from happening that felt natural and right for the sake of......what?  I liked we knew so much and depended on each other.  I didn’t look down the road trying to decide what might make it easier if he died!  Who thinks like that?  Maybe some do, but can you really plan that?  I didn’t want to give up one single second we had together.  Came to find out, BTW, this counselor was an  autonomous being by nature so that worked for her having been a widow twice over.  There are times I envy her.  She’s certainly not carrying the load I do.  That’s not a judgement, I asked her and she said she always retained her independence most surrender more of in a relationship.  Anyway, I’ll never say the pain was worth it meaning love should not have this be a part of it.  But we don’t know that when it’s burning brightly.   The delicate balance is how to live with the person you loved the most hurt you the most, unintentionally.  How to live with those memories that were so awesome at the time not knowing they could cause so much pain.  I really haven’t been able to visit them and feel solace or smile.  I can tell people about him and that feels good, but when alone?  No, it’s pure pain.

I see why this is a life long challenge now.  It is never going going to end.  Acceptance of that I have done.  How to live with that, I have not.

[JimJim]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Oh yes, we had our hells.  It was making thru those that sealed our bond tighter.  Nothing left unresolved.  A promise we made to each other.  He tried for easy outs and running twice but couldn’t sustain it.  Magnets for each other.  I can’t say we were one, but we were each completed by the other.  So much so that losing him did take so much of me with him.  I changed that day and will never be the same.  

Like you we attempted the easy outs a couple times as well, the both of us, but like you both it never worked, when we found ourselves without the other, you have that emptiness inside that doesn't go away, you could be in a room filled with people having fun, but not you, as everything always had meaning because you were experiencing things together, and you have that gut feeling that you know it just isn't right to be apart, it was an eye opening experience, finding out just how lousy the world really feels without the other, but that when together. you never noticed, when together knowing that you are safe and loved, and that the world isn't really that bad, because you are facing it together, and the best part is that you are madly in love with the other, even though they could drive you cray sometimes, but the even better part is that you love one another, even knowing all of each others faults, the amazing thing is in every day life, whatever strength I lacked, I was able to find it in Nancy, and that transferred over to me, her strengths were mine, as mine were hers, and yes I understand the feeling, as when Nancy left earth, I didn't understand who I was any longer, as the biggest part of me left with her, and like you will never be the same.  Acceptance is not a word I recognize, just because the world says I have to doesn't make it so, so I refuse to accept anything, I prefer to look at life now as it suits me, no longer adhering to the Norm as some might call it, and if that makes me cray, tis an honorable name, I suppose my thoughts are, that as long as I keep Nancy alive, still doing all the same things like buying her gifts and goodies that I place on what I call the table of life, have all her pictures from a baby, as a teenager, and our wedding pictures, actually have them scattered throughout the house, but this particular table is where I place all her gifts, also have a large framed picture with a studio lamp above it so that it lights up only the picture, in my eyes, as long as I keep her with me alive in my head, so that when my time comes, I wont have very far to go to get to her, I cannot and will not lose her again.  Thank you all

[kayc]

I got pictures of George's granddaughter graduation from high school, she's beautiful!  He would be so proud.  He had long beautiful hair when he was young but his was light, she's brunette like his daughter and XW.  So beautiful, just like her Mama.  I hope he can see them from where he is, I have them on my desk on display.