I'm just an ex-Mom now.

[Ex-Mom]

My youngest son died at age 18 on March 4, 2006. I fell apart, and it was a couple of years before I began to grip a new normal for myself. I have grieved and cried over him for years. Now it's 15 years later, and my life was starting to be good again. My oldest son just had his first child two years ago. Now my oldest son is dead...from Covid on August 6, 2021. I'm not crying or falling apart. To me it's like he's just working out of town or something. What's wrong with me? I love my oldest son so damn much. He has been the center of my life since the day he was born. He made me a momma, but I'm not crying over this loss even though I recognize the stabbing in my heart is the same as when I lost my first son. What's wrong with me? Why am I not crying my eyes out? 

[MartyT]

My dear one, I am so very sorry to learn of these terrible, tragic losses of not only your youngest son but also your oldest. It's as if you'd been climbing this mountain for years, and just as you thought you'd nearly reached the summit, you find yourself at the base of yet another mountain to climb. I simply cannot imagine the depth of your pain.

I assure you that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with you. I don't know you, but I would suspect that you are in a state of shock and disbelief, as your mind struggles to take in this most shocking and unbelievable happening ~ AGAIN. It is as if you've been struck by lightning, not once but twice. How often can that happen ~ and if it does, how can you possibly survive two such catastrophic events? And if it had to happen to someone, why did it have to be you? I imagine your entire view of the world has been turned upside down, and none of this makes any sense at all to you. This is just not right, and it is so unfair!

Please stop judging yourself for how you are reacting to this most horrific loss. Give yourself time to let the reality sink in, and don't try to eat the entire elephant at once. Dose yourself. Take it in as slowly as you can ~ one moment, one hour at a time. As you've learned already, grief is a process, not a single event. Slow down. Turn off the judgments. Rest. Breathe. Allow the enormity of this loss to wash over you, and let it be what it is. Know that you are not alone. We are here with you and we are listening.  ❤️

[kayc]

Oh Hon, my heart breaks for you as I read the title of your thread and read your post.  No one should ever have to watch the loss of their two sons.  What Marty said is exactly right, I would have said the same thing, this is shock and you're bound to feel numb, we respond different ways in our grief but it's grief all the same.  Tears alone are not the measure of our grief!  I have a friend who lost her husband of more than 50 years (a great marriage) and has yet to shed a tear since (it's been several years now) and it puzzled her.  I led a grief support group that she was in and I told her not to worry about it, as long as she's not trying to stop her grieving and she is not, she is perfectly normal and she does love and miss him.  

This can apply not just to tears but to grief in general, however it displays: Dosing Crying Time in Grief

I am so glad you came here, it helps to express yourself.

[MartyT]

I also meant to add that you are most certainly NOT "an ex-mom" ~ You are and always will be the mother of your two precious boys, just as they will always be your beloved sons. Love is forever. Love never dies. ❤️

[kayc]

You certainly are NOT an "ex-mom,"  I meant to say that too!