Hello Nile!

[kayc]

Leave that decision for if/when you find out.  It all depends on the location and how far advanced...

Praying for you Hon.  I literally LIVE for my pets...

[Novi]

I know this isn't the forum or the thread to talk about this but I don't really have anywhere to turn to. I had my biopsy last week and next month I have to go for a second procedure. I know it's not cancer, it's "precancer" treatment but I'm so scared. I had to cancel Nile's vet appointment next weekend because my car needs over $2000 worth of repairs and all of this I have to deal with completely alone. I'm having some pretty dark thoughts. I'm tired of fighting and I don't have much fight left anymore. Life has just been an upwards, sh*t-filled battle with no breaks, no happiness and just complete loneliness. The reality that if this does turn to cancer I have no one to help me like I helped my mom. I would be forced to just end it. Where is the good in life? I've been waiting for it. Even as a suicidal teen I always told myself to "cheer up" and that one day I would know what love is, I would be surrounded by family and friends. Here I am now like a stupid fool, no family, very few friends and never knowing what love it. I'm going to die never knowing what that's like.

I'm absolutely terrified right now.

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Novi said:

I know this isn't the forum or the thread to talk about this but I don't really have anywhere to turn to.

My dear, I just want you to know that your words have been read and your voice has been heard.

Meanwhile, I am concerned for your safety, and if you're thinking of suicide, I urge you to read this first.

As you already know, our site is not intended for individuals who are in crisis and actively contemplating suicide ~ but that does not mean that you have nowhere else to turn.

988 has been designated as the new three-digit dialing code that will route callers to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. When you call, text, or chat 988, you will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how your problems are affecting you, provide support, and connect you to resources if necessary.

If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop now and telephone 988 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Using your smart phone, contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741. 

I gently remind you that the information offered on this site is not meant in any way to substitute for professional or medical advice. Our forums are offered as a supplement to ~ not as a substitute for ~ sharing with a trusted other (relative, friend, neighbor, clergy, colleague), participating in an in-person grief support group or meeting with a professional grief counselor or therapist. 

I urge you to let your healthcare provider know of the concerns you've shared with us here, and ask what resources might be available in your community so you can get the help you so badly need and deserve. I believe that grief counseling and individual psychotherapy are among the most precious gifts we can choose to give to ourselves, and they can change our lives for the better. That is what I wish for you! ❤️

 

[kayc]

I never saw this earlier this week, so not sure what happened Wed, Thurs.  I am praying for you and hope you're in a better frame of mind right now.  This is PREcancerous, not to worry about, just to get through.  The cancer foundation has helps if this were cancer.  You need to hang in here for Nile.  Please.  Let us hear from you, we care.  I don't have anyone either, I know how it can feel.  💗

[Novi]

I'm sorry for my outburst @MartyT and thank you for the links. 

I'm not suicidal, all I know is if I ever did develop cancer I would prefer to end it. The goverment of Canada offers assisted suicide for basically anything these days (not that I agree with it) so seeking help is not always the best option. I just don't know anymore.

Nile is going fine so that is one positive. His weight is the same and he's still active and happy. 

[kayc]

So glad to hear it!  And not all cancer is the same, some worth fighting through, my friend just finished with her two year bout with cancer, finally over the side effects of it all and on no meds, great blood tests!  We have assisted suicide here too but you have to be terminal to use it.

[Novi]

I just wanted to share this story of Nile, he really truly is my hero. I've been having a very tough time adjusting to my new job. I get berated and made to feel stupid, this has been going on for months. It's breaking my self esteem, and today when I got home from work as soon as I walked through the door I dropped my bag and sat at the entrance and just bawled my eyes out for a few minutes. Usually Nile would be there waiting for me and I would pick him up and say "hello," and he would lick my face to give me hello kisses. But I scared him with my slight habit deviation. After I had a good cry I walked over to the couch and sat down. Nile came over and jumped on my lap and started to lick my face. He insisted on giving me my hello kisses. Despite how terrible I felt he made me smile (and then start crying again lol) I'll never forget these little gestures I get from him, he really is my special little guy. 

He goes for a full physical next Saturday. I hope the results are okay. I'm so lucky I've had him for this long, blessed really. I just hope for some more time. I never want to let him go. 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Novi said:

I've been having a very tough time adjusting to my new job. I get berated and made to feel stupid, this has been going on for months. It's breaking my self esteem,

It saddens me to think that you're in a job that brings you down so much. Is there nothing you can do to improve your work environment?  No one at work who can advise, guide or support you in any way? See, for example, How to Handle a Lack of Support at Work.

You might also consider giving yourself a few sessions with a qualified counselor or life coach ~ someone professionally trained to help you maximize your full potential and reach your desired results.

And always remember that, as Eleanor Roosevelt wisely observed, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ❤️

[kayc]

I'm sorry they made you feel some kind of way, they could use a lesson in how to support your employees/coworkers!  Lift your head up and know who and how you are, and it's not how they make you feel.💖

[Novi]

21 hours ago, MartyT said:

It saddens me to think that you're in a job that brings you down so much. Is there nothing you can do to improve your work environment?  No one at work who can advise, guide or support you in any way? See, for example, How to Handle a Lack of Support at Work.

You might also consider giving yourself a few sessions with a qualified counselor or life coach ~ someone professionally trained to help you maximize your full potential and reach your desired results.

And always remember that, as Eleanor Roosevelt wisely observed, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ❤️

There is no one at work to help me. I actually found out that there are two ladies who sit in the same room that laugh at me behind my back. I don't know if it's true but before anything was said to me I already got that feeling from them so I imagine it's probably mostly true. This is the worst job I have ever had, sadly. It's also the highest paying, but money can't allow verbal abuse. That abuse comes from the person that is supposed to be training me. I was warned he was a difficult person to work with during the interview. I've worked with difficult people in the past, he isn't difficult, he's impossible.

I've worked in the food industry, it's hard, unappreciated work and this job is so much worse than that.

I get part of my cervix burned off on Dec 20th and I'm glad because I would rather sit through that procedure than another day at that place. My three months probation period is over on the 26th, I'm really hoping they fire me before then. I can't quit, if I do I can't apply for unemployment and take my time to find something better. I deserve at least that. 

 

[Novi]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm sorry they made you feel some kind of way, they could use a lesson in how to support your employees/coworkers!  Lift your head up and know who and how you are, and it's not how they make you feel.💖

I agree, they could. I'm trying to keep my head up but it's getting hard. I'm letting him get to me and I'm talking down on myself alot. I need to remove this toxicity from my life as soon as possible.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Novi said:

This is the worst job I have ever had, sadly.

My last job was my worst, boss behind paying me, stole everyone's IRA contributions and never paid them to the gov't, didn't pay his taxes, gov't wanted to take my bank account until I showed them I wasn't a signer (he tried to add me on to his bank account, I refused), then they tried to take another employee's $ until I proved to them he had no awareness of any of this (he was a signer), so important to  protect yourself!  It was the only job who hired me during recession.  When he laid me off the last time, no cards or fanfare, just suddenly retired with no $.  I made it and never looked back.

Keep knowing your own worth!  Make a list of your accomplishments in your career and remind yourself of them often.  I had some daily affirmations I'd listen to that helped. Put a sign on your bathroom mirror telling yourself your own worth and refer to it daily!  I suggested this to my daughter when her husband left her and she says "I DO that!!!"  So neat that mom and daughter both figured out how to get through difficult times...I did that when her dad left.

We are here for you.  Come here and post daily or when you want to, we are here for you.   (((hugs)))

 

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Novi said:

I'm really hoping they fire me before then.

Can you bungle something to get fired?

[Novi]

On 12/14/2023 at 5:58 AM, kayc said:

My last job was my worst, boss behind paying me, stole everyone's IRA contributions and never paid them to the gov't, didn't pay his taxes, gov't wanted to take my bank account until I showed them I wasn't a signer (he tried to add me on to his bank account, I refused), then they tried to take another employee's $ until I proved to them he had no awareness of any of this (he was a signer), so important to  protect yourself!  It was the only job who hired me during recession.  When he laid me off the last time, no cards or fanfare, just suddenly retired with no $.  I made it and never looked back.

Keep knowing your own worth!  Make a list of your accomplishments in your career and remind yourself of them often.  I had some daily affirmations I'd listen to that helped. Put a sign on your bathroom mirror telling yourself your own worth and refer to it daily!  I suggested this to my daughter when her husband left her and she says "I DO that!!!"  So neat that mom and daughter both figured out how to get through difficult times...I did that when her dad left.

We are here for you.  Come here and post daily or when you want to, we are here for you.   (((hugs)))

 

Life is crappy enough without having to put up with such bull while just trying to pay bills. 

The latest thing now is when we get a gift basket or any gifts from vendors/contractors/customers, the guy training me who I am cursed working under goes around and offers some to everyone but me.  I guess I haven't been there long enough to have earned getting treated like an equal. 

If I'm going to bungle something to get fired it has to happen soon. I do make mistakes as I'm still learning but to make an intentional, big  mistake... I'll have to think about something that won't affect people outside of the company. That wouldn't be fair. 

Nile goes for his full physical tomorrow. He wasn't due til next February but we had a bit of a scare last Friday so I decided to book it sooner. Nothing serious and he's fine now but I want to be 100% sure there isn't something else going on. 

[kayc]

On 12/16/2023 at 12:50 AM, Novi said:

Nile goes for his full physical tomorrow. He wasn't due til next February but we had a bit of a scare last Friday so I decided to book it sooner. Nothing serious and he's fine now but I want to be 100% sure there isn't something else going on. 

Oh no!  I hope he's okay!  Let us know what you find out...🙏🙏🙏

[Novi]

I still haven't heard back from the vet... Nile seems fine. I'm scared to call them to follow up. I just lost my job today. I'm not sure how much more I can afford now anyways. Yes I wanted to get fired so I would stop getting mentally drained. But now I have to deal with being financially drained. I also found out last week I may need a hysterectomy. Things are just a big mess.

[kayc]

I'm sorry. Can the hysterectomy wait until you get your situation settled with insurance?  I wonder why the vet hasn't followed up?  Maybe it was good news and they just dropped the ball...

[Novi]

The hysterectomy is covered by Canada's "free healthcare." I'm still waiting to hear back from the hospital about that. I've been on the phone the last hour trying to find a family doctor. I had one but they moved a bunch of patients to a different clinic that only takes walk ins. I was one of the lucky patients that got the boot. My mom died of cancer because she didn't have a regular doctor. It's free healthcare but you get what you pay for. 

I also called the vet clinic to follow up, the veterinarian has been out of office on holidays. They probably shouldn't bother running tests if there's no one to look at them for the next three weeks. Nile seems well so I'm not worried, I'm just annoyed at the poor service. 

[Novi]

Finally got Nile's results today and it's awesome news!!! Not sure what happened with him last month - I think my stress is/was rubbing off on him so I need to watch for that. I finally got a doctor to listen to me and was prescribed a short term anti-anxiety medication, as well as a bit of Ativan. This should help big time with the process of interviews and starting a new job. But I digress! The news (copy/paste from the email):

Quote

 

Thanks for your patience in waiting for Nile's results. Luckily, I think I have good news today - Nile's renal marked continue to remain quite stable! Although he certain does still have renal/kidney disease, his kidney markers have not changed significantly in the last two years. His potassium also remains within normal range with his current supplementation schedule. 

Overall I think he is doing quite well given his advanced age and long history of kidney disease. He is always floating just around the cut off for stage 2 vs. stage 3 kidney disease, and remains there today.

 

I definitely needed news like this right now and I'm very happy my little hero will be around a while longer to keep me going. 

[kayc]

I'm so glad to hear both of your news!  Congratulations!

[Novi]

 Nile,

Still going strong. Your physical was good too, the vet is happy with how well you're doing. You haven't gained weight but haven't lost any, so that's a win for us both. You really enjoyed the tuna cake I made in celebration. 

It's been so nice spending all my days at home with you. Not having a job is stressful but I appreciate the time we get to have together because I know we may not have much left. And I'm still making ends meet with my employment benefits even though they took two months to kick in. It's just enough to get us by for now. I'll be happy when I find a new job but sad that I'll have to leave you at home while I go to work. But maybe all of this happened so we can be together right now. I know you absolutely love that I'm home all the time. I enjoy it too!

 

[Novi]

Hello Nile,

With your last Solensia shot, the tech advised me you've lost weight. I noticed too... It's getting difficult to feed you your medicated food. I've started mixing Sylvester and Machete's regular food more and more to get you to eat. And that's okay. The last thing I want to do is deny you food. If you like it, you can have it. I learned the hard way with Beck that giving you food you don't like is just cruel. 

I've also noticed you fall now. I've seen you do it twice. Your back legs are giving out on you. When Cleo was at her last few weeks she did the same. I'm preparing myself for the worse. I'll never be ready but I'll be as ready as I can to help you transition to the meadows. I hope I can have an at-home euthanasia. We will see what happens. 

You're still in good spirits and run around a lot so I'm not at the point of saying good bye. I just want to make sure you're comfortable and living the best life you can. I can see you're still happy. I'm willing to get you a stronger pain med if that's what you need and I know I need to be very vigilant at the same time. Other than pain meds I refuse further treatment. I love you and I won't let you suffer. I want to make your last while with me the best I can. Extra treats and more and more of the food you enjoy. 

You don't know it yet but you're getting a bath today, and a thorough brushing. Your spring coat is shedding and I can see mats! I don't want you to get those, I know how painful they can be. I will ask for forgiveness later for the bath, with a lot of cheese treats. They're you're favourite and I bought them with you in mind. 

Love you!

[MartyT]

Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers as you find your way through this latest challenge . . . ❤️

[Novi]

On 4/17/2024 at 8:38 AM, MartyT said:

Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers as you find your way through this latest challenge . . . ❤️

Thank you. I'll update as things progress.

[kayc]

Prayers, Sweetie!