I lost my boyfriend about a month ago

[1234]

Me and my boyfriend were in a motorcycle accident. He was driving and I was the passenger. We were driving pretty fast, about 100km/h (65-70mph I think) when in a turn we slipped on some gravel and hit a car, front collision. We flew over the car and landed on a stone fence on a field. He died instantly from the impact of the stones. I landed right beside him and got some road rashes and bruises. 

This is a type of pain I never knew existed and I almost don’t know what to do with myself, it hurts so bad and is so unreal it doesn’t make sense. 

[Smpl0409]

Hello, I lost my boyfriend in a very different way but grief hits all of us, what I can say is that the first months and years will be almost unbearable but try to get the help you need, I was hoping to make it by myself but I couldnt and my mental state was getting my family worried. The first step that I would recommend people who have been in situations like us is therapy. I lost my boyfriend in 2019 and I can tell you therapy has been my saviour.

I’m glad You’re here because Beeing with people who can understand your pain is important. I didn’t have a support group like this one, much less someone young who could understand me. If you feel comfortable, we can talk privately and you can share your thoughts with me. I would love to help🤍

[kayc]

18 hours ago, 1234 said:

Me and my boyfriend were in a motorcycle accident. He was driving and I was the passenger. We were driving pretty fast, about 100km/h (65-70mph I think) when in a turn we slipped on some gravel and hit a car, front collision. We flew over the car and landed on a stone fence on a field. He died instantly from the impact of the stones. I landed right beside him and got some road rashes and bruises. 

This is a type of pain I never knew existed and I almost don’t know what to do with myself, it hurts so bad and is so unreal it doesn’t make sense. 

I am so sorry for your loss and for all you're going through..  I hope you'll find a good grief counselor and grief support group.  We never asked for this but our grief work does make a difference.  I remember resenting that when I first lost my husband.

It helps to get it out through posting, journaling, talking, I hope you have good support around you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Gwenivere]

ItI’m so sorry for your loss.  That you. even had to find this place.  Your loss is so recent your heart and mind cannot even make sense of it.  Shock and debut are in play full time.  Nothing could prepare you for this because it happens to other people.  Creates a void we didn’t know could exist.  Feeling lost and half of you died that day too.  I hope you will share more, as you feel you can as everyone here totally understands.  Some experienced sudden death, others watching their loves slip away over time.  But we all wound up in the same place.  It’s a family here of those who’s lives are now forever changed.  It’s sanity saving knowing everything you feel is valid.  I o hope you have real life support as well.  This is a 24/7 place you can turn to anytime.  There won’t be anything you feel we haven’t.  Another important thing is we understand this is forever when the real world expects us to be over it.  Unless someone has experienced this, they think it is finite.  My thoughts are with you as you start this journey.  

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Your loss is so recent your heart and mind cannot even make sense of it.  

I don't think any of us can "make sense" of our loss.  I hated the word "acceptance" when I was early in this.  I've had to learn to accept what I cannot change but I don't think any of us can comprehend this in that early time...it takes so long to absorb and process this.