Family, not

[Sheemie]

When my husband passed my family talked me into moving by them, saying oh we are going to help you so much. I have been here all year they almost never call and I asked for help and was crying to my own mother about how I am too depressed to do anything and she said she would come and help me pack to move yet again and the very next day turned her back on me saying she cannot drive that far, it's 100 miles! Then my father calls me screaming at me that they cannot help me that they are busy and further tells me and I quote, "that he wishes people would stop asking him about me because he doesn't give a crap about me". My sister says she might help if I tell everything that I am planning to do as if I know...I flipped out on her. My family is like the worst family. Abusive and only care about themselves. No wonder I had such life. I've been on my own since I was like 8 years.

[nashreed]

I am so sorry, Sheemie. That's terrible. I really don't know what to say to that. I mean, family is who you're supposed to count on no matter who else you do or don't have in your life. 

My family (mother and brother) drive me absolutely nuts sometimes and they are very emotionally closed off, but they're not bad people. I'm a total bum mooching off of them, living in their home (my childhood home, but my name is not on the owners paperwork), but they let me. There's always underlying guilt and passive aggressiveness under the surface, but they would never just abandon me. Unfortunately, we're three miserable people whose lives didn't turn out the way we wanted, and we're stuck with each other, because we're all we have. 

People, more often than not, suck. Selfish and self-centered, at least in my experience. Annette had so many friends throughout the years, but they always eventually flaked out on her, or betrayed her trust. I was the only person who was 1000% there for her, always. Unfortunately, I didn't establish any meaningful friendships of my own. I mean, friends exist right? They feel like space aliens or Santa Claus- not real. Other people have them. Maybe you just have to have money to have friends. All these "friends" I have on social media (who don't give a crap about me) with their posts about their friends and great times (on vacations, because they have money)... I guess they would lose their friends if they lost their means. These friends are just waiting to see what they can eventually mooch off of each other. Or people have friends because they're attractive, which I am also not. 

Sigh- I wish there was something I could tell you. I hate that you're facing the world alone. Know that I understand, sympathize and empathize. Don't give up (like I haven't myself- oops). 

[kayc]

Wow, Sheemie, it's hard to imagine a family like that!  One can only make a life for themselves without their family in a situation like that!  Mine doesn't come out and say those things but seems to demonstrate it by their absence.  In my situation, I've made my church family my family.  You might try something like that, get in with a group of people and become a part of the them, it helps.  I am so sorry you are facing this!  And to have a dad like that, ugh!  My dad has been gone since my 20s (died) but he was there for me when I was young and needed to move....my last move I was 24.  I'm turning 70 in a month!

[Sheemie]

I wish so bad that I did not move back by them. It has been hardest, loneliest, isolated, I have ever felt. Even my neighborhood. I have never been somewhere like this where no one is friendly. None of my neighbors even go outside like ever. I don't know where I am even going from here. My husband gave me a lifestyle and with it a choice. We moved every year we were together. We lived in 3 different states. I keep trying to have courage but is so hard without that support now. I appreciate the understanding. I have so much stuff to move and I have to do it all myself. I'm rambling on and maybe the church will help me.

[Sheemie]

I made a to do list with all these positive comments like I forgive you type stuff and on it I put one thing to do extra so I can get moved just one tiny thing in addition to my usual day, and I don't work a job so that's really hard my goal is to just go through that one thing or do that one extra thing. Just writing this I am thinking I need meds. I used to move all my stuff in one day when it was just me or me and my husband and now idk if I can do it in a month and I always worked b4. Everyone always got along with my husband and he was so good at small talking to make friends seek assistance and etc. I on the other hand was raised by communists and don't know how to get help.

[kayc]

You're braver than I am, I haven't moved in 45 years!  Everyone went off and left me with all their stuff, it would take a lot and no place to get rid of anything in this town, nearest place 50 miles away.  With the price of gas nowadays...

[Chocolate]

On 9/6/2022 at 10:11 AM, Sheemie said:

When my husband passed my family talked me into moving by them, saying oh we are going to help you so much. I have been here all year they almost never call and I asked for help and was crying to my own mother about how I am too depressed to do anything and she said she would come and help me pack to move yet again and the very next day turned her back on me saying she cannot drive that far, it's 100 miles! Then my father calls me screaming at me that they cannot help me that they are busy and further tells me and I quote, "that he wishes people would stop asking him about me because he doesn't give a crap about me". My sister says she might help if I tell everything that I am planning to do as if I know...I flipped out on her. My family is like the worst family. Abusive and only care about themselves. No wonder I had such life. I've been on my own since I was like 8 years.

One of the things I've found is that people like to say they will be there, they don't follow through, and they can still believe they are being supportive.  This has been the case for me during every major crisis.  Now, most of those I care about have passed away, one of the problems of getting older.

Could you possibly move back to where you were when your husband passed?  Or would that make things worse?

[Chocolate]

Just now, Chocolate said:

One of the things I've found is that people like to say they will be there, they don't follow through, and they can still believe they are being supportive.  This has been the case for me during every major crisis.  Now, most of those I care about have passed away, one of the problems of getting older.

Could you possibly move back to where you were when your husband passed?  Or would that make things worse?

Oops, I forgot to click the follow button.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Chocolate said:

Now, most of those I care about have passed away, one of the problems of getting older.

Yep, exactly.  

[Sheemie]

On 9/19/2022 at 5:37 PM, Chocolate said:

One of the things I've found is that people like to say they will be there, they don't follow through, and they can still believe they are being supportive.  This has been the case for me during every major crisis.  Now, most of those I care about have passed away, one of the problems of getting older.

Could you possibly move back to where you were when your husband passed?  Or would that make things worse?

For the first 6 months or so that was all I wanted to do. Unfortunately he is not there and back to the future is not possible. My stepchildren always forced us to move. Just horrible all around. Now I feel trapped and stuck in a lease in a place I never would have been, which is my families fault becausethey lied that they will help me when in fact they just want to gossip about me to there communities who also have no concern for me in this broken world. I need to buy a home but how do I when I've no idea where I want to go and I lost the only person who ever loved me and the rest of the world would as soon see me dead too. Trapped is all I feel and alone.

[Chocolate]

6 minutes ago, Sheemie said:

For the first 6 months or so that was all I wanted to do. Unfortunately he is not there and back to the future is not possible. My stepchildren always forced us to move. Just horrible all around. Now I feel trapped and stuck in a lease in a place I never would have been, which is my families fault becausethey lied that they will help me when in fact they just want to gossip about me to there communities who also have no concern for me in this broken world. I need to buy a home but how do I when I've no idea where I want to go and I lost the only person who ever loved me and the rest of the world would as soon see me dead too. Trapped is all I feel and alone.

I'm so sorry they suck.  Lying to a grief stricken person about being supportive is despicable. How much longer is there on the lease?  Have you looked online for support groups near you?  Since you still have parents, is it correct to think that you are not a senior citizen? For me, if it wasn't so far I'd trying a spiritual group who was into being loving and supportive, but would not try to convert me.  There is one, but it's 60 miles, one way, and in the winter I would be driving home in the dark.  So I work on myself here, where I am. I don't know what your answers are, but I know there are some. Feeling his love with you now is a start.  He's trying to get through.

[Sheemie]

Thanks, I am an hour from normal sized city. I am 43. My lease ends 12.31 and I'm in MN. Cold is already here. Come spring I'm planning on moving into a camper until I find home. I went to a Presbyterian church when my husband passed. I am not Presbyterian but raised catholic and the people at this new church were so kind, nice, and supportive of me. I just really want another person to talk to, in person, not online.

[Chocolate]

13 minutes ago, Sheemie said:

Thanks, I am an hour from normal sized city. I am 43. My lease ends 12.31 and I'm in MN. Cold is already here. Come spring I'm planning on moving into a camper until I find home. I went to a Presbyterian church when my husband passed. I am not Presbyterian but raised catholic and the people at this new church were so kind, nice, and supportive of me. I just really want another person to talk to, in person, not online.

Do you attend services at this new church?  Have you talked to the pastor and asked for suggestions?  Maybe making and appointment with him/her is a start.  Tell the pastor how kind everyone was there and how welcome you felt.  I'd try that if I were you and see where it leads.  Maybe open up to the pastor.

[nashreed]

2 hours ago, Sheemie said:

Thanks, I am an hour from normal sized city. I am 43. My lease ends 12.31 and I'm in MN. Cold is already here. Come spring I'm planning on moving into a camper until I find home. I went to a Presbyterian church when my husband passed. I am not Presbyterian but raised catholic and the people at this new church were so kind, nice, and supportive of me. I just really want another person to talk to, in person, not online.

That's the trick- finding someone in person to talk to. Everyone seems so closed off and aloof, and I'm the least gregarious person imaginable. 

I keep meaning to maybe start attending a church, if only for some kind of connection- but I'm afraid that encountering an entire congregation all at once would be overwhelming. I keep thinking of finding some kind of support group, but to put myself out there, to tell my whole story to strangers- is that the way to go about it? I also am needing to prioritize my physical health. I found out recently I have rather pronounced osteoarthritis, and I was recommended physical therapy, so I will have to see what that madness will entail. I'm so friggin out of shape, it's scary. 

Why is it so hard to meet someone? I can't imagine meeting my soulmate in this day and age. It is so different here now. This town is full of mentally ill homeless people and I just can't deal with that level of uncertainty in new situations. This forum is my only tenuous link to humanity and sanity, but it doesn't come close to replacing Annette- and I just don't know how long I really want to keep fighting against the dying of the light, y'know, when you feel like the world doesn't care if you're alive. I just still struggle on one day at a time, trying to keep busy- listening to a lot of music and still buying CD's I can't necessarily afford. What else do I have to look forward to? 

[Chocolate]

3 minutes ago, nashreed said:

 

I keep meaning to maybe start attending a church, if only for some kind of connection- but I'm afraid that encountering an entire congregation all at once would be overwhelming. I keep thinking of finding some kind of support group, but to put myself out there, to tell my whole story to strangers- is that the way to go about it? I also am needing to prioritize my physical health. I found out recently I have rather pronounced osteoarthritis, and I was recommended physical therapy, so I will have to see what that madness will entail. I'm so friggin out of shape, it's scary. 

 

If you go to a group like church, you don't have to tell them your whole story all at once.  You don't have to tell them anything.  It puts me in mind of the story of little Albert I read about in a psych class in college. He was afraid of soft furry things.  So the psychologist introduced him to a bunny, a little at a time.  At first the bunny was clear across the room where Albert could barely see it.  Over a period of time the bunny was brought closer and closer and eventually Albert was hugging the bunny.  The old saying goes, "All things in moderation."  If you don't know how to swim you don't jump into a deep pond and sink to the bottom.  You walk along the shallow edge edge at first.  Little at a time we can learn to overcome.

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Sheemie said:

I am not Presbyterian but raised catholic and the people at this new church were so kind, nice, and supportive of me.

Since you are no longer there (moved since he died), perhaps seek out another church where you can find that love and support.  Our church is very loving and supportive, sometimes I feel closer to them than my own family even.  I love this community (Oregon) but am in the country, 50-70 miles from shopping, hospitals, etc.  But I've been here 45 years so am kind of used to it only it's a struggle now that I'm getting older (about to turn 70 in a couple of weeks).  

 

15 hours ago, nashreed said:

Why is it so hard to meet someone?

They aren't going to come to you and knock on your door, it takes getting out there but we're in times where we've all become more reclusive.  VERY hard to break through!

15 hours ago, Chocolate said:

So the psychologist introduced him to a bunny, a little at a time. 

Kind of reminds me of befriending Panther, my feral cat.  I can't get as close as a regular cat, he's outdoors only, I can't pick him up, or even clean his ears effectively!  But he rubs on me now and comes for his food when he's feeling it.  He is friendly with Kodie but I also know if turned loose together he could get his eyes scratched out if he made the wrong move.  But we have come a long ways!

[Chocolate]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

 

 

5 hours ago, kayc said:

 But he rubs on me now and comes for his food when he's feeling it.  He is friendly with Kodie but I also know if turned loose together he could get his eyes scratched out if he made the wrong move.  But we have come a long ways!

 Positive reinforcement helps...leaving food for the cat.  Little Albert loved ice cream, so every time they brought in the bunny, they gave Albert ice cream.  That way he began associating the bunny with something he loved.

[kayc]

I've been feeding him and we've been affectionate for several months now.

[Chocolate]

7 minutes ago, kayc said:

I've been feeding him and we've been affectionate for several months now.

So he showed up again?  The other day you said he had been gone for 5 days during the heavy smoke.

[Sheemie]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

Since you are no longer there (moved since he died), perhaps seek out another church where you can find that love and support.  Our church is very loving and supportive, sometimes I feel closer to them than my own family even.  I love this community (Oregon) but am in the country, 50-70 miles from shopping, hospitals, etc.  But I've been here 45 years so am kind of used to it only it's a struggle now that I'm getting older (about to turn 70 in a couple of weeks).  

 

They aren't going to come to you and knock on your door, it takes getting out there but we're in times where we've all become more reclusive.  VERY hard to break through!

Kind of reminds me of befriending Panther, my feral cat.  I can't get as close as a regular cat, he's outdoors only, I can't pick him up, or even clean his ears effectively!  But he rubs on me now and comes for his food when he's feeling it.  He is friendly with Kodie but I also know if turned loose together he could get his eyes scratched out if he made the wrong move.  But we have come a long ways!

I need to find Oregon, a community.

[Chocolate]

46 minutes ago, Sheemie said:

I need to find Oregon, a community.

I've lived my entire life in Oregon.  It is not a community.  If a person finds it here, they are lucky.  The church I attended as a kid did not practice love.  It practiced condemnation.  That condemnation led my brother to believe that no matter what he did he would be damned to hell.  In 1980 near a small town he shot and killed four of his neighbors.  Two of those people we had attended church with when we were kids.  What he did destroyed my loving parents.  It destroyed everyone impacted by the killings, the victims on both sides.

There are good people and heartless people here like there are everywhere.  The community where I live now is only caring if the person believes just like they do.  Otherwise, like my current neighbor lady said, "If we must fight, we fight." So, I make sure I do not rile her up.  Violence solves nothing.

The answers you seek begin within yourself.  For each of us the answers begin within ourselves.

 

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Chocolate said:

So he showed up again?  The other day you said he had been gone for 5 days during the heavy smoke.

No, he was only gone one day, not five.  Yes he showed up again and I had to discontinue ear treatments.  His ear is all crusted over because he's been scratching.  I have to hope the 8 days or so I treated them were enough, he won't let me clean them thoroughly.  The air quality remains beyond hazardous, has not changed.

11 hours ago, Sheemie said:

I need to find Oregon, a community.

Oregon is a state, not a community, but where I live is a community, it's one of the reasons I live here, the other is the beauty.  Not to mention 45 years of memories...  Where do you live?

[Chocolate]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

No, he was only gone one day, not five.  Yes he showed up again and I had to discontinue ear treatments.  His ear is all crusted over because he's been scratching.  I have to hope the 8 days or so I treated them were enough, he won't let me clean them thoroughly.  The air quality remains beyond hazardous, has not changed.

Oregon is a state, not a community, but where I live is a community, it's one of the reasons I live here, the other is the beauty.  Not to mention 45 years of memories...  Where do you live?

I'm glad he made it back.  I live in a rural setting two mile out from a small community.  If I mention the name of it, then that will inhibit me from being open here.  It's in the Oregon Coast Range, as I've mentioned several times.  I have lived in several different parts of the state.  None of them were communities. 

[Chocolate]

Just now, Chocolate said:

I'm glad he made it back.  I live in a rural setting two mile out from a small community.  If I mention the name of it, then that will inhibit me from being open here.  It's in the Oregon Coast Range, as I've mentioned several times.  I have lived in several different parts of the state.  None of them were communities. 

Oops, I meant small town, not community.