Loss of kitten

[Chas]

We had to move in with my folks a month ago due to changing life circumstances. My mom saved three kittens from a feral life when she found them on her property by a feral mom. She watched them closely until mom had started weaning them then she took them in and had been raising them for the last couple months. They’re finally big enough for their sterilization surgeries and they are scheduled. I’ve been around animals my entire life. I’ve worked as an assistant in the veterinary field so I’m no stranger to animal care or loss. However yesterday crushed me. 
I was doing my laundry in my parents machine and never, not once, seen or heard the male kitten get into the dryer. It was beyond too late for him and he died in the machine. It was the most horrific thing I think I’ve ever dealt with. I killed my moms kitten. Why didn’t I see him? Why didn’t I hear him? Why?! I have been crying ever since, pleading with the Lord to go back in time just this once to fix my mistake. To save him. I don’t know what to do. My mom is sad but she’s not mad. I snuggled with this kitten all weekend. He was a trouble maker, always almost hurting himself in his mischief. I adored him. I never saw him. I don’t know how he got in and I didn’t notice. I can’t get the image of his little lifeless body out of my head. The panic that rushed over me. The thoughts of how quickly did he die, did he suffer? What was I doing that I never noticed anything.

we hurried him last night in our memorial garden. How can I redeem myself. How can I be forgiving. How can I fix this, or honor his life.

I’m utterly heartbroken. I robbed this little soul of his life. I feel wretched and wicked. I’m so sorry.

a picture of him and one of his sisters from this weekend when I was wrapping Christmas gifts. He was a beautiful soul. I am so sorry.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and your kitten, and I hope that one day you will find a way to forgive yourself. Clearly this was an accident, not intentional on your part, and a tragic one at that.

Unfortunately you are not alone ~ this happens far more often than you might think. See, for example, Curious Cats Get Killed in Clothes Dryers and Curious Cats Still Getting Killed in Clothes Dryers 

[kayc]

I am so sorry!!!  The shock you must have felt when you discovered it.  

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died 17 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...
I hope these articles will help you with forgiveness of yourself...you don't know what you don't know...now you do but that is of little help in this instance.

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Steven-Nono]

My eyes fill with tears after reading your message. I can't begin to imagine how sad you must be feeling.

I'm not going to try and give advise on how to cope with this, only know that I feel your pain.