New Beginnings: Personal Healing after the Loss of a Pet and the Grieving Process.

[David1957]

Feb 6, 2023. For days I have been able to keep my emotions under control in dealing with the decision to put Bambaloo to rest. When the thought of sadness begins to enter my mind, I quickly distract myself with a project. Am I in the denial part of grieving, for the anger part is pretty much over. Second guessing is entering my mind, doubting my decision to end Bambaloo's life to quickly and making excuses to myself that other's pressured me to act quickly because she will get worse fast. No Diabetes is not a death sentence for dogs, but it surely doesn't help when a person cannot afford the supplies. The plan was to care for her without meds, change her diet, and let things run it's course. She was actually doing very well except for the cold weather. But repeatedly being told by the vets all the terrible things that could happen within days, such as her possibly going blind overnight. Or she could be in excruciating pain. Oh, it happened to someone else I was told sealing her life sentence. It didn't matter I read in more than one scientific paper on the subject of Diabetes in dogs, that they can live up to 2 years untreated. Of course, untreated will allow the other conditions associated with that disease to progress. Well, who really knows the facts? I listened to my vets, and I went into panic mode. The guilt hit me today when I saw her photo. Did I act to hastily? I knew there are so many grants out there to help people in need for vet bills. I found them. I just needed to fill  some out. But my mind was in such a tizzy, I didn't know which way to turn or who to turn too for advice for everyone was saying put her out of her misery. Well, as I reflect, she wasn't in misery. In fact, she showed no signs of Diabetes other than drinking more water. She ate, she vomited a couple times probably because I gave her to much to eat. She had no pain other than the effect of the cold on her arthritis. I know second guessing only beats up my mind and in turn, my body. It makes my legs weak and walk in a slouched position. Her photo's take on a new meaning now. Did I cheat her? I did quickly buy her a steak and made her 'special' dinner. Did I lie to her? Did I trick her? It doesn't matter for what is done is done. I cannot bring her back and did in fact out of curiosity, look at other Australian Cattle dog photos last night. It's strange, that none had that look she had. I guess I was lucky. But, I have to continue on and learn from my actions. Whether they were hasty or not. Believe me, I did not sleep for 36 hours straight when the vet said, she MAY have Diabetes. She MAY have kidney failure. All the maybe's put me in a panic mode. Those nights I cried for I just didn't know what to do as she came and laid by me to comfort me. I did learn sadly, at her expense, not to just jump at the first signs of an issue and listening to others over my own judgement. Second guessing does not help at all. It will be awhile for me to move to the next step in grieving for my other dog has been affected by Bambaloo's disappearance. I cannot beat myself up over this and will move into the next level of acceptance. But in just a flicker of a candle's flame, I can be right back into anger mode. Oh well, it is another challenge to face in life. 

[kayc]

8 hours ago, David1957 said:

Am I in the denial part of grieving

These "stages" aren't a straight line, they zip back and forth across each other, sometimes opposing ones setting in at the same time, all of them valid.  We ride the waves, in and out, up and down...eventually it settles into our existence.

[kayc]

 

[MartyT]

25 minutes ago, kayc said:

These "stages" aren't a straight line,

Taking A Look at The Stages of Grief

[David1957]

February 9, 2023,

Dearest Bambaloo,

It is so hard for me to write this but it is out of the love in my heart and the deep pain I feel.

A couple of nights before I did what I did, I took you outside. You were so happy to see the snow. You grabbed mouthfuls and loved to watch when you were able to roll around in it.

This night, as I saw the flakes collecting on your soft reddish fur, I thought, these are tears collecting on you. Tears from where? Why did I think that? At that point, I did not even think of ending your precious life.

Bailey has missed you greatly. She is not the same now. She looks for you and leaves my side almost immediately. She is so sad. I am so sad. She is not eating now. 

I know writing this will not bring you back. Nothing will ever bring you back. The hardest thing I did in my entire life was to kill something I loved so deeply. I can say I hate myself for what I did to you. I write because that is the only way I can put in words to you how sorry I am. I know you trusted me with your life. You trusted me and you loved me. I am carrying a great load of guilt on my brain Bambaloo. Your name will not disappear from my mind. Your smiling face, your waggling tail, the way you would give Bailey tongue baths to her face. You are truly a loving soul. You knew pain as I did. You lived it for most of your life being abused and unloved like me. That is why it was so difficult for me to end your life. So many people say you were suffering. Were you? You looked happy. You smiled and wagged your tail. Your eyes were bright, you were hungry, and you were attentive. I lay on the floor to listen to you breathe inside your body. You came to me when I cried. Now, I have no one. No one. Bailey even stays away when I need comfort. You understood me. You knew what to do every time. I am not upset at Bailey. It’s not her fault. But she is suffering also. I cannot give her anti-depressants like I can take to help me sleep. Not to forget, but to get through the hardest moments when I see your photos or need you. Oh…Bambaloo, my darling little dog, my heart aches to see you again and I know that is not possible. I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry. I cannot ask for forgiveness. I hope there will be peace for me someday. Bailey and I will be with you and I will feel your soft tongue again and feel your tail wag hard against my legs. I'm tried baby. I am going to lay down now. Goodnight, sweet and sweet dreams.

[kayc]

The last one breaks my heart for the one that is left alone.
Grieving Pet

My neighbor friend Mike passed Saturday.  Their dog Jazzy is clearly grieving and depressed, doesn't want to play.  It's so hard.

[MAV]

Hi David1957, first of all I’m so sorry about your beloved dog and how you’’ve been suffering. It sounds like you were faced with an extremely difficult situation regarding her health and a lot of unknowns. I had similar feelings over having my beloved cat put to sleep at the end of January this year. I can identify with the panic you’ve mentioned and admire your openness about this. It can be so incredibly hard and overwhelming knowing what to do for the best. But what’s so clear is that you didn’t want your dog to suffer because you loved her so very much.

[kayc]

This didn't show up yesterday or this morning, I don't know why.  Appreciate your response!

[kayc]

 

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.