I'll Share

[rickjeeves]

So I think this will be therapy for me, even though I've been talking to a therapist for months, but to get it out there can't hurt and I think can only help, I think based on reading other peoples' stories.  I've gone through a lot this year, and to read all of these stories, and KayCs help, is an amazing testament to her and her willingness to help those who have gone through something so painful as similar to herself.  It makes me want to help others too, and while I'm probably a little later in the game than most of these posters, I am still going through so much of the same where you want it back, you have hope, you want nothing more than to look at the past and say you did all of these things wrong and that it's your fault.

I'm coming to realize that it isn't my fault.  I still believe that I did things wrong, even though I know I'm a good guy and did so much right.  The truth is that no one is perfect, and in the event of grieving and dealing with someone's loss when you have zero experience in grief is extremely hard.  I was in a situation where family members all dealt with it differently, that being the loss of their father, suddenly, who was so important in all of their lives.  I still do not know if that was "the reason" or whether this relationship was doomed from the start, but it certainly did not feel that way, and up until the death everything was 95% perfect, save for a few things that were way exacerbated after the death.

At the end of the day I'm learning more and more that you cannot control other people or get inside of their heads.  I have no idea what she thought, what she is thinking or where she is right now.  But that's not what matters because if she wanted to be there with me right now, she would be.  So I have no choice but to move forward and move on.  I still carry some hope, because that's what we all do, but I also know that the odds are truly terrible, especially through reading this forum.  I'm not sure if blaming grief is right, and I'm not sure if blaming my own actions is right either.  But at the end of the day, everyone who has to move on has to move on, and whatever the reasons are do not matter when it's that time.

The past may have been beautiful, special, amazingly perfect and all of the like.  But that's the past.  The future can be bright too.  And 8 months in I'm starting to finally realize that even after reconnecting with hope.

Not sure if this is helpful to anyone but myself, but I hope that it is, because the more time we all put to hope, the more that we waste when time is so precious.

I appreciate everyone's posts in this forum, and KayC for all of your efforts over many years to help people.

Take care, all.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, rickjeeves said:

I still believe that I did things wrong, even though I know I'm a good guy and did so much right.  

And that is true for most all of us!  Give yourself credit for what you did right, learn from the rest but move on from it and don't get stuck there!

One thing I do know is there really is such a thing as grief overturning a relationship, so many of us have experienced it!  And when it's like night and day sudden change...

A certain percentage of people just can't handle a relationship while grieving. Sometimes even in marriages, but mostly unmarried relationships.  Even when everything was good. And sometimes something may be wrong with the relationship and it hasn't been dealt with, but not always.

And Kudos to you for getting therapy!  I spent the first half of my life in a counselor's chair!  And it helps.

[rickjeeves]

Thank you so much for the response.  Therapy has been very helpful, but obviously part of the process is continuing to stop saying "but" and trying your best to accept the reality.  Of course I want to be "the one who beats it" in this forum, but I'm in the part of the process where after a reconnection went south that I think I have no choice at this point but to give up.

It's amazing to see the similarities of my story and others on here and how similar certain reconnections can be that look good and then go south.  In my case I also live in a small community out west where I see people from her life a lot.  This is good for hope, bad for moving on.  I still love the family and miss them dearly, and they have all said that they wish I were back.  But unfortunately they see something different than she sees now, and how that could ever change is hard to imagine at this point.

Kayc, in your experience, would I now totally be associated with grief forever and that part of her life?  That's the hardest part to understand, because I can't understand, but it feels like between that, possible guilt of spending time with me over her father, there really is no way to remove that from what is now burned into her brain and her heart when it comes to me, despite all of the amazing times before the death.

Thank you so much for all that you do for all of these people who are out there hurting.

[kayc]

2 hours ago, rickjeeves said:

Kayc, in your experience, would I now totally be associated with grief forever and that part of her life?

Yes, and unfortunately, I haven't seen one change their minds on anything.  They could get therapy if they would, but I haven't seen them do that either, and only they can make that conscious decision to explore why they chose the path they did, let alone do anything about it.  I have read and responded to each post on this section and over all these years, not one couple made it intact.  A couple seemed to but I learned in messaging that they did not.

[rickjeeves]

So serious question .... How in all of these examples has no one once, well once and then off, changed their minds?  It is truly mind boggling.  A lot of people break up, that's a big part of life, but how is grief that strong that it creates a never.  I'm in on the data and what I've read here, but I just don't understand why some people go the complete other direction and don't see the good anymore.  I haven't been through grief of losing a super closed loved one, so maybe that's why I don't understand.  But I also feel like so many who go through it don't understand or have any idea why they're doing what they're doing.  I guess I just can't understand and there's no way for me to and that's what it has to be.  But why not just one.  The percentages don't make sense.  Even in the hardest of things in the world 1 / 100 are an anomaly.

[MartyT]

Hoping you'll find some of these resources helpful: Mourning The Death of A Love Relationship: Suggested Resources ❤️

[rickjeeves]

Thank you Marty!

[kayc]

You have to understand it's not EVERYONE, it's the certain segment of those who cannot grieve and do a relationship at the same time.  And who is to say they weren't in some way dissatisfied with the relationship and never let on?  I just want you to understand it is not YOU!  It's nothing you did or didn't do!

[kayc]

This isn't specific to grief but break ups in general, but I like his list....and I would stress, focus on YOU and block them when you're ready, the sooner the better.  All it does is torment you and no good comes from seeing them on FB, getting messages from them that aren't going anywhere...

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/233031-reconciliation-list/

[rickjeeves]

Thank you so much, Kayc.  I really appreciate it.

[DBeans]

Hey - I'm just chiming in here... I had almost the same exact situation happen (I posted about it at one point). I'm now about 5-months down the road, and it still hits me on a daily basis: the utter confusion in what happened, and how quickly a situation can sour despite all these years together. The messages that were sent were confusing as well... initially I was told it was because of the death that she changed her outlook on our relationship, but I was later told she had been thinking about breaking up anyway since months ago. What's the truth? I can't say for sure, but I can say that things seemed great up until then, which makes it all the more confusing. Unfortunately, all the reminders have built up over the years together that it doesn't make it easy to forget about someone, and with how suddenly things ended, hope is natural. If it helps you to keep going, then I don't think it hurts to always have that tiny sliver.

[kayc]

Are you talking about what SHE told you?  Who can know, but it was the death that polished it off regardless.  It was her not being able to handle grief and a relationship at the same time.  Don't let her put a different spin on it afterwards...cut her off. IMO

[rickjeeves]

23 hours ago, DBeans said:

Hey - I'm just chiming in here... I had almost the same exact situation happen (I posted about it at one point). I'm now about 5-months down the road, and it still hits me on a daily basis: the utter confusion in what happened, and how quickly a situation can sour despite all these years together. The messages that were sent were confusing as well... initially I was told it was because of the death that she changed her outlook on our relationship, but I was later told she had been thinking about breaking up anyway since months ago. What's the truth? I can't say for sure, but I can say that things seemed great up until then, which makes it all the more confusing. Unfortunately, all the reminders have built up over the years together that it doesn't make it easy to forget about someone, and with how suddenly things ended, hope is natural. If it helps you to keep going, then I don't think it hurts to always have that tiny sliver.

Thank you for chiming in.  I appreciate hearing that hope is natural, and I think that's right.  But I'm doing my best to let go of hope because if you have too much, then you cannot "get there" and actually move on.  At 8 months it's still on my mind a ton, but it is weirdly getting better as feelings are just that, feelings that can come and go.  I've talked to so many friends and family who have been through breakups, but have not come in contact with anyone who had our similar situation IRL save for this forum.  I'm trying to tell myself that this is for the better, as this could have happened years down the road.  Obviously that doesn't make it all go away, but it can provide hope in an another direction.