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[Rudderless]

We met in college. The place we were eating at was quite crowded. There were no empty tables, so I asked if I could share with her. She said yes. It was, as they say, the rest is history. We got talking and found out we went to the same university. She had beautiful green eyes. They were warm and kind, but could turn into Greek fire if provoked. Her eyes were the ones that first drew me to her. I could get lost in them. She used to catch me staring at her for long periods and laughingly close my mouth because “it’s rude to stare, you know.”

 When she would stare at me, I felt like she was looking past my face and my appearance. She was looking into my soul. I could not hide much from her. Saying I’m fine my darling when I come home from the office did not stop her from getting the truth out of me. She had this look in her eyes, she would stay quiet and join me in my study. The way she would cock her head to the side. And before I know what happened, I am telling her what really did go wrong. This person I met is stubborn as a mule (“Sounds like someone I know” she’d say).

The day I lost my wife was a normal one. Our eldest was sick. We needed to bring him to the doctor. I offered to go, but she said SHE will. I had just gotten well from being ill myself a few days ago, she said. And our baby (the youngest) was in a “dad only” phase and was clingy to me. Her eyes turned into Greek fire and I knew not to argue. So I dressed my glassy-eyed son and guided him to the car. Later in the day, I got a call. There was an accident. He made it, she did not. The days following her funeral were a blur. The casket was closed. I never opened it. Not even to let my sons see their mother one last time. I did not want them to see her cold and lifeless. Or perhaps I did not want to see her cold and lifeless.

Staying at the house we shared for years was painful. I saw her everywhere. The color of paint was her choice. The desk in the corner that we bought. The chair she loves to sit in. The bedroom with her vanity. I moved my family to a new house, hoping that we—more I—will be able to move on. But pieces of her still followed. My eldest son’s eyes. The baby who looked like her and who would not remember his mother. I concentrated on work. It was—is—my refuge.

 I have not visited her grave since I organized the headstone. I drive up to the cemetery alone, but parking my car is all I can do. I cannot open the car door without becoming a gibbering wreck. It was always, “Next time I’ll get out.” But I always could not. Over time, it became easier to bury her twice. First under the earth, and then in the deepest recesses of my brain.  

 Ken

[MartyT]

Ken, I am so sorry. I can hear the pain in your words ~ and my heart reaches out to you. I hope you can feel all of our arms wrapped around you as we offer comfort and support to your broken heart . . . ❤️

[kayc]

I am so sorry.  I check this site every day but we had a city wide internet/phone outage yesterday.  My heart goes out to you.   Losing your spouse is one of the hardest things I've ever been through.  
It helps to read and post, come here, it's a safe place where others get it and will listen.

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Kevinslove12]

I am so sorry for your loss, reading your story I could feel the love and the loss, it has been 8 years for me soon and I can still remember the day like yesterday me and my daughter getting a call to come home from work  getting home and the paramedics saying sorry mam he didn't make it, this place is full a truly caring people who know what you are going through and feel for you, I used to be on here all the time now usually one a year or so especially when closer to anniversary of death day always have to make a new account, try to take it one day one breath at a time and please know you are not alone hugs!!!