Confused For Love

[Confussed love]

Hi every one.

I lost my partner 2months ago to cancer. His pass & illness was so soon and unexpected. Me and Juan had just been together for 2 1/2 yr. We lived together like husband and wife. When I met Juan he had just come out of Recovery as he was a recovering Addict. Thought I did not ever seen that side of him. I did not care for his pass life. He had totally change and was doing so good with his program he had accepted god in his heart. Well when we met every one told me to watch out for him as he was so fresh from recovering but I did not care as I felt different for him I knew he was sincere. I my self was recovering from a divorce. So when he came into my life It felt as he was god sent to me. Juan and I did not date to long he move in to my aparment 1month later when we found out that I was pregnat. Really thats when our lifes started to Grow. He became more involve with recovery and Me. Life was treating us good we had our son in 04, Juan had a great job as a truck driver, and we were in the middle of remodeling a home his mother was to sell to us. And that when it all happen in April of 06 he was diagnosse with Lymphoma A rare type ( T cell ) when he went in the hospital the first time they gave him A 50/50 chance when they gave him his first Kemo. He recover in about two weeks he then was release and to continue his treatment we were told that he was doing fine and that the kemo was working. So we continue remodeling to move in July of this year. but the unexpected happen Juan got very sick one weekend and I took him to the Hospital on Monday he had really bad pain. They gave him Morphine every hour and he still had really Bad headache. He could not take the pain with all the mediacation he became very lucive he thought I was his mom. Two days later on Wed he stop talking and responding and I call the nurse so they can check on him. He then stop breathing and was place in a ventalator. They had to call so many doctors to finally determine if he had pass. I was not told till Thurs Afternoon. As they performed so many test to finally determine. The family and i did not want to keep him the ventelator as thats what he wanted. He was disconnect on friday the 16th fathers day for us latinos. It was so hard to let go of him but I had to accepted As the hardest part was that he was not going to be with my son And take him to his first Baseball game as Juan always rave about. His family has been very supportive. I have cried so much that I some times dont feel I have no more tears to cry anymore. Iam a women that is verry strong and hard. The monday after the funeral and continue my daily life as always I went to work. I know people think that I dont care no more for him And that Iam not sad Anymore But they dont know what I feel. I have met a man that has been very suportive and has been there for those time when I feel so lonely and down. I met him After the death of Juan He was a friend of a friend of mine Juan did not know him nor hi knew Juan, we have gone out and even started a relationship. He defently knows that iam still Mourning as he is the only one that I allow to see me cry as I mention I have always been an independent women and was raise to not show other people our emotions. But I feel confused I want the relationship to happen but I dont know what to say to his family. I still miss Juan and wishes he was here. But Iam now involved with this man and i dont know how to explain it every one tells me the same thing that I moved to fast. They just dont uderstand How I feel unless it happens to them. I feel confused sometimes I want to feel that this is reality and i have to suck it up I dont know where to go for help as every one one seems to judge what iam doing as if i was cheating on Juan but I dont feel iam i dont know where to turn. Sometimes I wish I can disapear to another worl.

[KarenH]

Dear Confussed,

So sorry for your loss. When you find that other world to disappear to, let me know where it is so i can come with you.

I know what it feels like to think treatments are working and suddenly find out they are not. Your world crashes in an instant. If you are finding comfort in another person who is letting you cry when you need to, in my opinion you are very lucky. Being so alone has been the hardest part for me. I haven't been alone for 25 years. You're right, your friends cannot know what you're feeling. People here do, though. It's a good place.

Karen H

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

My father died of cancer in August 2005, I lived with both my parents until they died in 2005. My mom died in April 2005 of a diabetic coma and the weird thing is that we did not know she was diabetic... My dad did of cancer and again I did not know he had cancer until the very end... When we as his family found out, we were told that it was a very curable type and that he had a good chance to recover... He died a month later... Go figure... I was very confused about his death as he was never really sick his whole life... Take care Shelley

[kayc]

Dear Confused Love,

No one else is going through exactly what you are going through and can't judge how you do it. You're not cheating on Juan, Juan isn't here right now. Starting a relationship with someone else in no way indicates that you didn't care that much for Juan. If anything, maybe it's a tribute to how happy you were because if you were in a bad relationship you'd be less likely to want to try again. Don't let other people bother you, follow your heart and be strong against all of the well meaning but inappropriate remarks people can make. I wish you well. You have found someone you can open up to and pour your heart out too and that is a good thing. I know people tell others not to move too fast...I had a neighbor that moved in with someone two weeks after her husband died...that was fast. She hasn't let herself grieve. After what I and the others here have been through this year, I can understand a lot better now. I say to each their own (way) and good luck to all of us! God be close to you.

[dpodesta]

Confussed Love,

KayC has hit the nail on the head, I don't care what anyone says, each and every person handel grief in the own unique way. If you have found someone that is willing to let you cry and not run away when you do, he is a treasure. No one can say what is right or wrong. Sometime I wish they would keep their opinions to their selves. Just try to listen to the positives and let the negatives go in one ear and out the other. The only thing that matters is what you think about yourself, it doesn't matter what other poeple think, it can bother them as much as they like, but you can ignore what other people think. I know this can be hard at times, but just forgive them because they really don't know.

I am glad you have found this person and he is helping you. God bless you.

[STARKISS]

Hi Kay c,

Thank you for your most wonderful post and Derek is right about what you wrote thanks Kayc,

Take care Shelley