Many Finalizing Things At Once

[chrissy777]

Hello everyone,

This week has been hectic for me. I received news on my husbands autopsy which said he died from severe hemmhorage in his lungs and heart damage. Ironically there were no signs of cancer in his body at the time he died. It was kind of hard to hear this but also it kind of helped a little. Hearing how he died made me realize there was nothing I could do or anyone else for that matter. For a while I was struggling with well wasnt there more that couldve been done, it just doesnt seem real sometimes. I know I have his ashes here but I still feel sometimes like I can go and pick him up from the hospital or he is going to be walking through the door. The other night I had a dream and it felt so real. I had a dream that my father called me and said where have you been Jason has been trying to get a hold of you to pick him up from the hospital. When I woke up I seriously had to tell myself he was gone cause I was about to make the 3 hour drive to go get him. Weird huh? Today I also sold his truck to my uncle which I am kind of glad about because I know he will take good care of it, but again it is another finalizing thing. The baby is due soon and I hope that having him around is going to keep me occupied as I go through all of this stuff. Oh yeah I also had another big breakthrough I put away Jays toothbrush (not threw away I couldnt do that I put it away) I can just hear what Jay would say to me right now " Chrissy what are you going to do with that toothbrush" Take care and God Bless

[dpodesta]

I haven't come to the point of putting away her toothbrush yet, just seeing one toothbrush in the holder is something I am ready to look at yet. Next week I will be turning Karen's truck back into Ford and that is going to be a hard thing to do, just to leave it there. There are a few of her clothes that I have given to my mother in Seattle, her and Karen were about the same size and Mom just doesn't always have the money for clothes, so I am glad that a family member will be able to put them to good use. Good to hear that you and the baby are still doing fine, I can't wait until the day you have him, that will be good news for all of us to hear.

[chrissy777]

Thanks for the reply Derek, Thats nice that you were able to give your wifes clothes to your mother. It was hard today driving up the street and not seeing Jays truck there in front. So many memories, but Im glad it is going to someone who can take care of it well. I sure cant right now. Thanks again

[KarenH]

Chrissy,

It's been almost 9 months and I still can't part with Paul's belongings. I've asked his brother to come help me twice and have always called back and said I wasn't ready. Take your time. For me, that's been a big struggle, but then I keep trying to think a relationship never dies. I don't need clothes to remember him. Although sleeping in his t-shirts has been a comfort. I had Paul's wedding ring sized to my finger and the setting of my engagement ring cut off the band and sottered onto his. We are still one on my finger at least. It's amazing how many little details go into the grieving process.

Keep us informed about the baby.\

KarenH

[Erika0718]

Chrissy,

Hi my name is Erika and I am new to the discussion forum. When I read your post, I felt like you were taking the thoughts right out of my head. My ex boyfriend, Matt passed away a week ago and we were in a 7 year relationship that ended about 4 years ago. I feel like I'm going crazy because I keep thinking that he is going to call or that I can go see him where he bartended. I have to tell myself that he is gone and I can't change that. Oh how I wish that I could change that as I am sure that you do. As for his things (we lived together at one point so we accumulated a lot of things together) I cannot part or even think of parting with any of his things. If anything, I am searching for all of the pictures and things that we shared. We actually had cats together that I cannot have because of where I live which tears my heart out. I just want to be around everything that reminds me of him. Weird because Matt and I haven't been together in years and I wasn't in love with him anymore. However, I still want to hold on to every little thing...

God bless,

Erika

[chrissy777]

Thank you Karen and Ericka,

I have a very difficult time with parting with anything. I had to sell the truck it just was going to be a financial burden on me especially with the baby coming. Plus I wont be bothered with people who want to borrow it anymore. I do realize that we had so many memories in the truck that I can keep with me in my heart. Plus my uncle will have it if I ever want to see it. I hear alot of people who are alot further out then me still having alot of the problems I have. When does it get easier? I want the day to come where I dont replay his death in my head over and over. I guess its still just so hard to beleive he has been dead for 2 months or that he is even dead for that matter. Thank you again for your posts it helps

[AnnC]

I think you should wait AT LEAST a year before selling/giving things away, unless it is a financial burden, of course. I think a lot of people get rid of everything right away, and then months or years later they regret it. And keep a few things even when you are ready to pack away or give away most of it. I think it's wonderful to have a few important things. My counselor calls this "continuing bonds".

Chrissy -- I know what you mean about the medical facts actually helping. I fussed a lot because my ex-husband died while the medical team to give him the transplant was standing by and ready, and they had a liver for him. His kidneys shut down, and they took him off the transplant list, which seemed so upsetting to me, that he came so close. But when I read up on his condition, I found out he had a relatively rare mutation of Hep B. It went to end-stage cirrhosis, and that particular form is aggressive and very resistant to treatment, and does not make a good transplant candidate. Plus, there was a strong chance he would have had brain damage from the multiple comas he endured from toxins building up in his system. This actually was comforting -- there was little or nothing anyone could do to save him, or give him good quality of life after that. It's still so painful that he's gone, but it wasn't due to medical error or any negligence on anyone's part. I finally realized that if I'd nagged him to go to the hospital sooner, it really would not have changed anything.

Hold on to things as long as you need to -- there's no rush about these things.