chrissy777

Hello everyone, I havnt been here for a while. I have missed talking to everyone, and relaying our feelings. I have had a very busy couple of months and have been trying to supress my grief in order to accomplish my tasks. I am really paying for it now... It will be a year this Thurs, July 5th, since Jason left this world. I keep replaying the final days over and over. I am findign it very hard to concentrate and stay focused on anything. I decided to take a leave from work until I am ready to return. I just got done moving into a new place and I have met a really nice man who is so very understanding of my feelings. I was really starting to enjoy my life again and now with the anniversary I seem to be in that fog I was in right after the death. I know there are good days and bad days, but I seem to be having an awful lot of bad days lately. Nothing is going right. Little things send me on a crying spree. I needed to speak to others who relate to me. God I miss him!!!!

Kay, I havnt posted in a while. I am sorry to here you have had some troubles with you marriage. We love you too!!! I hope things get easier for you. Walking is a wonderful stress reliever. I find myself taking alot of walks when I am under stress. I will be thinking of you. Take care and God Bless..

Hello everyone, It has been quite a while since I have posted. I think I was trying to forget, which I do realize is not good to do. About a month ago I started dating a man whom I meet through a friend at work. He is a nice guy, but I cant stop comparing everything he does to my Jason. In alot of ways it really upsets me and I am just left disappointed. I was wondering if anyone else has had this problem. Maybe Im not ready to date again.. I thought I was, but I just end up upset when I realize what I am missing and cannot have with my Jason anymore. The year anniversary of his death is also quickly approaching and I would like to say I am doing ok, but I am so afraid of the future... I hope everyone is as well as could be expected.. Take care everyone.

rgangel, Numb is the perfect word to discribe the first 6 months after I had lost my husband. You dont remember much and you are in survival mode. I lost my husband while I was pregnant and he was undergoing a bonemarrow transplant for his treatment of Hodgkin's lymphoma. Many people were comenting on how well I was doing, but I must warn you for me it had become much worse after the numbness went away. My major word of advice is to cry and express your feelings. It is such a hard thing to go through, and I am so sorry you have had to experience it. It takes time.. Take care, Chrissy

William, Crying is such a good thing to do. There were days where all I did was cry. Things get much easier, but the pain will never go away. I am at 11 months and I must say I am just starting to enjoy my life again. My father was the same way, but I think it was just because he didnt know what to do or say. Unfortunately not many can understand the type of life we live now after losing our spouses. All I can say is time is the ultimate healer. Take care, Chrissy

Jane, I am sorry to hear of your bad times. I lost my cat a week before my husband died and I know that animals can become family. It is not easy. I know your daughter is hurting too. I dont know how I would react if someone especially my child said that to me.. I do know that to truely understand how it feels to have such a significant loss, as that of a spouse, someone would have to walk in our shoes to understand the way we feel. I know how deeply you are missing Rick. Life is so different without them. I hope things get easier for you, and I am sorry your family lost their friend Bailey.

I feel awakened from the fog I was in for so long, but now I have no clue what to do with myself. I feel so lost. I know everyone can relate, but it is just so unreal. Just a little over 2 years ago, I was getting married, about to buy a home, about to start my life. Everything seemed mapped out for me, and now I have no road map to follow, no idea what to do with myself, and a wonderful son to raise who deserves a mother who knows where she is going. I want to move, because there are some amenities I am wishing I had that I do not. One second I think I would like to buy a home, the next second I think no I should stay where I am. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! I used to be very together, now I am so apart....

Deborah, Ditto. Holidays have become a burden instead of the wonderful time that I used to have with my Jason around. I am at 9 months and still cannot beleive this has happened to me. I actually picked up the phone at work yesterday to call my mother in law, and thought Jason would pick up the phone. I know there is nothing I can say to give you peace, but I truely understand. Take care and may God bless you.

Thank you for bringing up this topic. My husband, Jason, was the most wonderful, caring, selfless man. I was so fortunate to have had him in my life, even if our time together was brief. I was so lonely before I met Jason, and I prayed that God would send me someone nice, and God does listen. My husband loved to just live life. He was in the US Navy for 14 years, and basically had been everywhere, and had so many stories to tell. When I was with him, I just couldnt be sad. Our personalities, likes and dislikes, and everything about us just seemed to click. I think the thing I miss most was having so much unconditional love shown to me, day in and day out. My husband was also so very handsome. His smile brought such wonderful joy to my heart. He liked to be outdoors. He enjoyed camping, hiking, and a treasurehunting game called geocaching. Life was so very full with him here. I truely miss him.

doubledd, I am sorry for your loss and like everyone here has been saying what you are feeling is very normal. I lost my husband 9 months ago and things have become easier as time goes on. You definatly should not get rid of her things. I just recently started putting my husbands things away (as in they are in a tote under my bed. You have to grieve in your own way. People feel they are doing the right thing by giving you such advice, but there really is nothing anyone can do to take the pain you are feeling away right now. I will repeat the cliche that you have been hearing ,because it may not seem like it now, but time does heal. The hurt doesnt go away, but it gets much easier to live with.( at least it has for me) Take care of yourself and it helps so much to talk to others that know how you are feeling, so I like to come on here and vent. You always have friendly people here who care and will listen.

Derek, I hope things will not be as hard as you anticipate. I will be keeping you and Carson in my thoughts and prayers. I think the ideas Marty posted are lovely ways of spending a wonderful day in memory of our lost loved ones. I will have to keep those ideas in mind when my one year comes.

Kay C, Thanks for posting this topic it has been kinda quiet here. I agree with Walt I miss my friend, companion, other half etc. I could never even begin to imagine feeling the way I have felt since Jason died. You feel just so empty inside. For a while I was thinking that if I found someone else I would be better but I have come to realize no one will be what I want. I want my Jason back. It scares me to think that the one who loved me with all of his heart no matter what, thought of me first no matter what will never come home. Kay C I agree that the inner pain will never go away. I know I could go and find someone and love again, but it will never be the same. In my mind my Jason was just about the best you could get and I dont think I can settle for something else. I dont know. Well I hope all is well with everyone and I think of you all often. Take care and God bless you all.

Eleejaye, I am sorry you are going through this. I too lost my husband at a young age me 25 him 36 and while I was pregnant with our first child. The hurt is so intense and you feel like you need to be strong for your children but I have found somedays that feels impossible. I too have thought many times why him and not me? I agree with Derek that God has not left any of us. There are days where I think how can I possibly do this and I do and life goes on as strange as it seems. It takes time and time is not set in stone everyone is different. Take care of yourself God bless you and your children.

Thank you all again for thinking of me, ellejaye I was out there crying too. It helps me sooo much to know others can relate to me. I feel bad for all of us that have to go through this horrible thing. I thought I was getting stronger and today I feel like I am but that day I felt "pathetic". I guess we have to cry and figure things out for ourselves before we can truely grow into who we will be. Take care everyone hugs and love to all.

Gaby, I am at about 8 months too and things just seem to be getting harder around this time. I havnt been having nightmares but for me everywhere I go I see my past and the memories I had with Jason. It hurts to know we cannot make another memory together. I wonder why it takes so long to finally realize they are not coming back. I can tell you are hurting badly and I hope this gets easier soon. take care

Thank you all for your kindness I always know I can come on here and hear just what I need to hear. When I wrote I was hitting the bottom on this rollercoaster ride again. I cant wait until the day comes where I can get off of it. I realize Jason had wonderful qualities and I do too. Thank you all for helping me realize that. Love Chrissy

I have been living alone as a widow for almost 8 months. You would think I would be getting stronger. I cant even dig my car out of snow. I cry when I cant figure out how to change a light bulb. I feel as though I am nothing without Jason. He was so smart and had so much to give the world. Today I am feeling like a pathetic loser. I guess it is one of those days. Somedays I dont know what I am good for anymore. I was doing ok and then bam I feel like I am taking 10 steps back instead of forward. I dont know if it has something to do with valentines day or what. I try to talk to people around me but as so many times before no one understands. I am the only person in my group of family and freinds who is alone let alone a widow. The lonliness seems like too much somedays and I guess this is one of those days. Thank you all for listening to me vent. I hope things get easier soon.

Derek, I am not at the one year mark yet, but I feel sometimes like things are going a little too good and it is just going to explode in my face. I think after some time I feel like I will be ok despite how I have felt in the past I am ok being alone and ok raising my son alone. I think with time things just became ok. We will always hold our husbands and wives in our heart but we will be ok. I hope the one year mark doesnt end the things that are going good for you. Take care and God bless/

missing rick, God has his ways of picking us up when we are feeling down. It is good to get that good news. Derek, Thank you for thinking of us. I am glad to hear you are taking these steps. Good luck to you and take care. God bless you and your son.

Thank you all I never heard that song. It sums up alot of feelings. Very beautiful.

Jane, 34 below is very cold. I do not like the weekends either. With work it is usually the time to do something with our loved ones. It hurts because I am 25 and of course no one around me can understand how I feel. I am glad you have your friend who can understand what you are going through. I too feel like it has been forever. My family and friends who knew my husband say doesnt it feel like only yesterday we did this or that. I guess that is because they have their lives with their husband or what not. To me it feels like forever. Lonliness makes things seem like forever as well. I hope things can get easier. I am at 7 months today so pretty much at the same point as you. Take care

Brooke, Sometimes people dont think before they speak, or they just dont care about how a comment may effect someone. I too am a single mother after losing my husband while I was pregnant and it is not easy whatsoever. There are not enough hours in the day it feels anymore to get done what I want to get done. If you ask me I think time with our children is higher on the list of priorities than having a spotless house. Try not to listen to what people say. I have heard enough stick your foot in your mouth things to last me quite a while. No one can understand your situation unless they too have walked in your shoes. Take care

Jenn, I truely understand. I know it is hard. I get mad because I am totally responsible for my son. That may sound bad to someone who doesnt know how we feel. Sure I have family and friends around me to help, but at the end of the day if I had to depend on someone who had previous obligations or something it is only me. My son and I just got over a cold and I had to tale a day off of work too. I spent some time crying today too which I havnt been doing as often. I pictured how much easier things would be if Jason were here. I know how you feel about people doing what they feel they have to do when you ask. No one else in the world is obligated to our children but us. It is hard but one thing I have realized is you have bad days and good days. I try to think (try is the key word) on bad days it has to get easier or something has to give. I hope this has helped in someway. I get tearful just reading what you wrote because it sounds like me. I hope things get easier for you. Take care and I hope you and your son feel better soon.

Derek, I agree with you. I understand how some people can feel fulfilled and not have the urge to date or look for someone again. I am only 25 and I know I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life. My husband and I had this disscussion and we both agreed that if something should happen to either of us we wouldnt want the other to be alone.. I dont know if you feel this too but I feel guilty that my son doesnt have a father. That is not the reason I would start dating again but it does give me a little drive to do so. You sound like a smart and nice person and as my husband told me you deserve someone nice also. Mickey- Welcome, You are right we can never replace our lost loved ones. I hope to someday when I am ready kind of start anew. I wish with all of my heart I could have my old life back. Well not exactly because that life didnt have my son in it, but I wish my life with my husband could be given back. After all my bargaining and begging and pleading I guess I have realized I cannot have that back. I hope things get easier for us all and if by chance we do find love again at least I know I dont want to take a single thing for granted. Take care

Ditto, I hope what they say is true a new year brings a new start. We all need to have a good year. Take care