Loss Of A Significant Ex

[Erika0718]

Last week,

I went to the bar with a friend and I saw my exboyfriend, Matt there. He was so drunk that it was noticable and I felt reminded of one of the main reasons why we broke up in the first place. However, I flattered him by listening to him mumble and ramble on about things that I couldn't even hear him say because the band was playing very loud. I was very uncomfortable talking to him to say the least. When we decided to leave, I tried to avoid seeing Matt and having another drunken conversation. However, when I was in the parking lot, walking to my car, I heard Matt call my name. I walked over to him and he asked my how I was doing for the 10th time and I said, "Why do you keep asking me that?" Then I proceeded to remind him how drunk he was (using a very snotty voice) and I told him that we should talk when he is sober because he isn't going to remember our conversation. I was pissed. I was mad because he is a 30 year old man, out in public, drunk as can be, and acting like a typical drunk (repeating himself, not listening to what I had to say, rambling, etc.) I was also very upset because Matt and I dated for 7 years, lived together, and I wanted to marry him but he continuously rejected me with his partying and drinking. Since then, 4 years have passed and he is still doing the same thing.

That is until he passed the very next morning after I saw him at the bar. His brother called me and told me that Matt died in his sleep and that his girlfriend tried to give him CPR, but it was too late. Come to find out, his girlfriend (I've never met her previous to the funeral or heard her name mentioned by Matt) was working at the bar that I went to.

The autopsy was to be determined by the medical examiner.

Overall, I am feeling so guilty for being a snot to him at the bar. I never thought that Matt would pass away at such an early age. Of course, I am very sad because he died and the memories play through my mind over and over again. I also have numerous scenarios that play through my mind that "save" Matt from dying. I feel so overwhelmed and crazy. I miss him so much. I am feeling like I want him back as my boyfriend (even though it has been years) and all of these people, including his family are telling me that I was his true love and that he always loved me. Now, I feel like the man that I was supposed to marry is dead. The man that loved me the most is dead. What can I do to start feeling better? Everything seems to bring me to tears.

[January9th]

I'm so sorry Erika. Your story brought tears to my eyes. That sounds like such a hard senario and I'm sure guilt is haunting you. I did the same thing with my dad... thinking of all the senarios of how maybe he would still be alive if I had only done... this or that. But, know it truly is not your fault and everything really does happen for a reason. He's free from his pain... whatever was causing him to drink so much. his addiction. My father passed away at 53 years old this past January. It's the hardest thing in the world to loose someone who you love. You know he wants you to be happy right? He loved you obviously... so do everything you can to LIVE... because you are given that gift right now. He had it taken away... but you still can... be here now... it's so hard to be present when you are in pain I know... I'm living through it right now... but try to. Be alone if you need space, be with people and go out and have fun if that is right... listen to your heart and soul and don't deprive your emotions. It's all okay I believe. Be aware that the tears and rage/anger will come at times out of the blue. Have someone you can talk to and console you... just hold you if that is all you need. Confide in a friend or family member for support. Know you are not alone. I'm here for you as a friend. I'm 26 probably around your age. I've also heard counciling and support groups can be good... I'm in the process of joining them now.

Peace and healing light,

Adora

[Erika0718]

Adora,

I am 28 years old-so we are pretty close in age. Thank you for your reply. I wasn't sure if anyone was going to understand what I am going through because the truth is, Matt and I haven't been together for years and both of us have moved on to new loves. However, Matt was my soul mate...not in an intimate way but in another special way. Matt was always the guy that would help me no matter what and he was always willing to listen to my problems and give me advice. I know in my heart that Matt loved me a lot and he loved me unconditionally which is why I behaved the way that I did at the bar. Honestly, the guilt is getting to me, but I know that if Matt would have lived, he would have acted like it was no big deal. Matt was very laid back like that. However, there are so many other components to the story...like how Matt always looked at me like he had something to tell me. He recently told my best friend that he will always love me and he was trying to get a hold of me to ask me to dinner (please remember that he had a girlfriend!). Oh my! That is another thing. I met his girlfriend at the funeral and she was beautiful and young and heartbroken. I hugged her and comforted her at the viewing and the funeral. I know that she doesn't like me very much but because of the situation she and I needed to be there for each other. There were a lot of pictures of her and Matt up at the funeral and they looked like a happy couple. But, I guess that he knew deep down that I was his soul mate, too. I wish he would have talked to me. I wish he would have told me how he felt about me. I wish that when I initially broke up with him that he would have tried to get me back, but he didn't. I also wish that in the 7 years that we were together that he would have asked me to marry him. I know that I will get better (this just happened Aug 20th) but I will never forget Matt and all of our memories. The feelings are just overwhelming now.

Thanks again,

Erika

[dpodesta]

Erika,

I encourage you to read the posts on this site, there are severl people that have had cirstances like yours where an ex-love has died and they went through and are going through the same thing you are now. This will take time for you, it doesn't happen overnight. Believe me pleanty of us wish it would. The grief journey is a long hard road, I won't kid you. Each person goes through it differently, but you will find a lot similarities. I am sad to hear that you have to go through this but like Janurary said, there isn't anything that you could have done to help him, even if you were there, it still wouldd have happened anyway. Please don't blame yourself, you were not at fault. I know it must be hard being that your last encounter with him was with him drunk. Anyone in your shoes in that situation would have done the same think you did. Learn to forgive yourself and things will be easier. Please continue to come here, there are a lot of great people here and we have become like one big family.

[chrissy777]

Erika,

I agree with Derek dont blame yourself. I did that for a while over certain things and it drove me crazy. It really does help to share with others or even just read what they write because there are so many times where I think no one can possibly be feeling this, but unfortunatly they are. Welcome and I hope it helps talking to others here and sharing your thoughts whatever they may be

[kellymarie]

Erika, I am sorry to hear about your Matt. As Derek mentioned, there are other people, unbelieveably, on this site with somewhat similar situations, as I am one of them. I was 26 when Josh died, I turned 27 two days after the funeral. My Joshua, who was 27, died on March 5 when a young, reckless driver crossed the median and hit him directly. We had broken up Dec 3 after dating for about a year. We had a bad bad breakup, Josh said and did many ugly things, and I refused to speak to him the last 2 months of his life. He would call, email, and text me telling me how much he still loved me and how "sad and tragic" it was how things had turned out. We, too, had felt that we were soulmates, but the reality and practical issues in life would say otherwise. I have spent the almost last 6 months dealing with many guilt issues, learning how to deal with the fact that someone I thought was my soulmate is dead, learning how to cope with the fact that Josh had done some really crappy stuff that I learned during the wake and funeral, etc. I too know from Josh's friends and family that he still loved me and was upset about our situation. The night before he died he spoke to his mom about all of this. All of this is to say, although grief is a horribly lonely process, you are not completely alone. The wonderful people on this site helped my through my darkest months of my life. It is a long and painful process, I think best described as a spiral, phases repeat themselves after you thought you had passed through. I think what helped me survive was this site, finding a few friends that are willing to listen, reading books on grief, and writing a grief journal. Also, Josh's mom has helped me so very much. We both call each other when we're having tough times because we understand exactly. I'm going to visit her next week (we live very far apart). I took next week off from work because it will be 6 months on Sept 5 since Josh died and I felt like I needed to be away during this tough time.

Again, I am so sorry you have found yourself in this situation but I am very glad you have found us. We will be here for you whenever you need to tell you story, etc. Also, read through some old posts. I remembering getting some great advice during the time I was torn that my soulmate was dead ("where does this leave me???" I kept asking...) Many hugs, Kelly

[AnnC]

I also lost an ex who was my soulmate. We met the first weekend of freshman year in college, when we were 18. We dated for six years, then got married. We were happily married for more than six years, then he began acting very strangely. He finally broke up our marriage, which was devastating. Now I look back and see that there were times when he tried to tell me what was going on with him, but I cut him off (I guess sensing I wasn't going to like it), and he was scared to tell me anyway. He had come out, realizing he was gay, and so afraid I would hate him. When I finally found out and confronted him, it was better for awhile -- I realized it wasn't anything he could change, and that it wasn't my fault, but it was still very hard to lose my soulmate whom I wanted to remain married to. He tried to stay friends with me, and I tried too, for nearly 10 years. Finally, I told him it was just too hard, and I couldn't move on in my life while he was still around, reminding me what I'd lost. Plus, he had found someone, and I was jealous, and I knew I had to get away from the situation. So for about 8 years, we were out of touch. Then we started occasionally emailing, just to check up on each other.

When he got sick with liver failure, we became close again. His partner had died in 1991, and he had not found anyone else he loved. My relationship with another man had broken up after 10 years of on-again, off-again relationship. But I knew my ex-husband was really my soulmate. When he died, I was devastated all over again. I kept replaying everything in my head, even picturing how we could have stayed married, or I could have moved near him and stayed friends with him. He did meet someone he loved in the last few months of his life, which was very hard on that man, because they loved each other very much, but only had four months together, and then my ex broke up with him -- my counselor says that often happens when someone is terminally ill, because they don't want to be a burden, and they find it easier to say goodbye when they are angry. His lover and I cried in each other's arms at the memorial service and have been supportive friends ever since (more than two years.)

I now have come to peace with much of my past with him after more than two years. I know we could not have stayed married and been happy. I know I could not have prevented his death. I know we truly did establish a loving friendship in his last year and a half of life, and that he was very happy when I told him I had never stopped loving him, and he said he felt the same way. I learned much more about how hard it was for him to divorce me, and I have forgiven him for not being able to be honest with me about it at the time. But I still miss him, and always will. There will always be this huge hole in my life. I feel cheated by life that my soulmate could not stay married to me, and that he died young (he was 50). It's so hard because you keep thinking that if you'd only known your soulmate (or anyone you love) was going to die young, you would have made more of an effort to be close and spend more time with them! But we make the best decisions we are able to at the time.

It is amazing, I have come to realize, just how much love can survive the trials of life. It's the hardest thing in life to lose someone you love that much. I do believe they continue to be in our lives as a spiritual presence. But even so, that physical presence is just so hard to live without. And the guilt of having argued, or not having been in touch (I found it very hard to call him the last few months of his life, because he was getting worse and I was so afraid of what I would hear -- I have been kicking myself ever since, although it's true he was expected to survive, and I know he planned to call me when he got the transplant.) So many regrets -- I can only keep reminding myself that we're no more than human and we all say and do things we wish we could take back.