Secret

[lorikelly]

well here goes this is going to be a long one. i'm sorry for that but i think i need to write it.

let me start by saying my parents never had a good marriage and my dad drank heavily(alcoholic) and my mom really raised us. their marriage was beyond horrible. my mom would start fights and it just got worse and worse. my two older brothers would beat my dad up and one time they nearly killed him . i was about 7 ( iam 38 now) and i had to call the police so my dad would not die. my mom did nothing to stop it. the police took my sister and i to the police stattion and we had to answer ques. it was horrible an it feels like it was yesterday . anyway this only got worse and both my parents had thier faults. finally when i was in my 20's they separated. my mom said my dad hit her outside and he was arrested and place in jail for 2 weeks. i honestly can say i don't think this happened. anyway life went on and i lived with my mom in a apt. it was hard my other siblings had there lives and i had to take care of mom . my mother never wanted us to have anything to do with our dad and if we did we would be disowned. well i could not accept that and i got in contact with my dad (found him at the bar) i hid my relationship from my family otherwise i risked losing them. well my dad seemed to slow down on driniking and he changed. my mom still had no idea i talked to him . one day my dad asked me for his tool box that my mom had i took it and gave it to him , well mom figured it out and boy was i in trouble. she was so mad at me and always threw it in my face. well i got married could not have my dad present or walk me down the aisle. i still talked to him and told him i was sorry he couldn't come but i just could not risk my mom not loving me. well i then had my first son and then my next still seeing and talking to my dad. my mom never knew. he never brought up my mom or said anything bad about her i think he knew that i needed both of them. well he finally moved down here by me , so he could be close to my boys. in jan of 02 ,my dad dropped dead. i was so happy that i allowed myself to have a relationship with him but i still had to hide it from everyone. if i ever told them i would be disowned. it had been 12 yrs since my dad and mom split up and nobody tried to talk to him or have a relationship. (i have 4 s iblings but only my one sister is his daughter the other are step_) my sister never tried to contact him when she got married or when she had my niece. she wanted nothing to do with him. i could not be like that and am thankful i wasn't or i would have so much guilt. well my dad was cremated and i told noone i had to grieve alone with out anyone. my dad left me money and excluded anyone else from his will. i got took all that money and paid for my mom to live in assisted living which was 1700 per month. she lived there 2 yrs b/c she could not be alone. i never told anyone and they think i got the money from my father in law who passed 8 weeks before my dad. even my children never spoke of my dad it was like they sensed it. they were 3 and 7 when he died. they loved him very much but never talked about him in front of my family. i never told them not to i would never of done that. anyway i had to hide my dads remains in my closet and hide my grief. well when my mom passed on 7/3/006 my one brother tried to find my dad. do you know why b/c he wanted him to help pay for the funeral. noone had seen my dad for 16 yrs and they wanted him to pay. well they find out that he is dead and that i knew. it opened pandoras box. we were not on the best terms to begin with b/c of issues with my mom. they didn't try to talk to him ever and now they wanted money. i just could not believe it. well since they do not speak to me i am finally able to but my dads urn out and some pictures. i think i am just starting to grieve for him. i know this sounds crazy and some people might think i should of told them about his death. but why? they never reached out to him and if my mom hadn't of died they never would of know. i feel such a mess, i think my mom now knows and i wonder what she thinks of me. we had such a crazy realtionship very codependent. my mom had alot of emotional issues and she was always afaid we would stop loving her. i think b/c of this i tried harder to pls her even when i knew i couldn't. i am lost with out her b/c i am not sure who i am without her. i just wanted them both to love me and i wanted them both in my life. i don't think that was alot to ask. i should of be upfront with my mom and told her that i needed my dad in my life but i was so afraid to lose her love. that was something i could never live with out. you see my dad never told me i could not see my mom and never said anything bad about her. i hope my mom still loves me and is not mad at me. you see i have alot of issues to work through. my siblings will probably never speak . i am a total mess, i am in therapy and have my husband who is wonderful and understanding. my life with my mom was so controlled by guilt and manipulation but i loved her more then anything, i just wanted to please her. i know that she loved me very much and i hope she still does. pls pray for me that one day i will be able to forgive myself and that my siblings will one day be able to see some good in me. i really tried my best and took care of my mom for the last 18 mos of her life as she was bedridden. when i was about 5 she made me promise her never to put her in a nursing home and i never could. this is why my family does not speak to me b/c i kept her at home. i could never have placed her b/c i just wanted her to love me. she was happy here and i took very good care of her. she was only suppose to live 6 mos and she live 18 mos at home . i think she gave up when she went in the hospital and i told her she could not come home b/c my sibling said she would prevent her from going home with me. i feel guilty that she died in a nursing home on hospice, i don't think i wil ever think i did enough. i was so tired and i would get angry at her and said some things i neve should of said. when will this pain end. i would give anything to have her back .

i am sorry this is so long and rambling but i just needed to tell some one else. thank you for listening and pls don't think i am terrible.

lori

[Paul S]

Lori:

No one thinks you're terrible. You did the best you could under extremely trying circumstances that would have broken most people. You persevered in navigating through a treacherous moral minefield in maintaining a relationship with your Mom and fidelity to her while trying to establish some semblance of a relationship with your Dad. And you had every right to re-establish your relationship with him, he was your Father. The fact that your siblings basically hated him is on their conscience, and you don't deserve to be held hostage to their opinions of him. Your descriptions of their behavior towards your Dad and their lack of interest in him (except for hi$ money) paint a picture of them that is clear. You need not care what they think. (I know, I know, easier said than done. )

On the issue of you not telling anyone your Dad died. Like they would have cared. They were probably more upset over being excluded from the Will than you not telling them.

Your Mom is another issue, you should have kept your relationship with him a secret, as best you could have, out of respect and certain safety concerns. She found out when the toolbox was gone, but although she used it as an opportunity to guilt-trip you later on, there was no rupture in your relationship. It continued on and you were able to care for her in her final years. That she was in a nursing home is a natural source of guilt, but if there was no way because of your own family that she could have lived with you, and then that is the best you could do, therefore no reason for guilt. And she lived for several years longer than she otherwise would have. A great point to meditate on when you try to excise the guilt from your conscience.

We all beat ourselves up, I am an expert at it. Yikes, beating myself up is an art form. I could write depressing poetry on it and be popular in coffeehouses where people dress alike in black. But after a fashion there comes a point where we have to stop using ourselves as a punching bag, especially when there are plenty of others perfectly willing to do it for us.

Discard those who are the problem, at least when you are able. You've done your job. You took care of your Mom, you mended fences with your Dad. If I recall, I think you said somewhere that you are a Catholic Christian. In my opinion, I think you acted as best a Christian could have. You honored your Father and Mother. Their relationship with each other was their responsibility, not yours. Just as your siblings actions are theirs, not yours. That's another area of guilt you have to work on, and you can use the "honored my Father and Mother" thing to excise that guilt.

SO, focus on the good stuff. You helped extend your Mom's life, you mended fences with your Dad, you honored your parents, oh, and you apparently have a nice family of your own! A great, strong and supportive husband, along with 2 nice children, who loved their grandfather. They probably got that from you. Compare and contrast all that with your sibling's behavior.

You have a family. Your husband, and the two kids. Forget the rest.

No wonder you got sick at Applebee's.

Hope this helps.

Paul

[dpodesta]

Lori,

You are not horrible and no one here will think that either. I am sure that you mom forgives you. There is no room in Heaven for bad thoughts or for someone not to love someone. You did the best you could with the circumstances that you had. When I was 19, I went to live with my dad and step-mom, my mom didn't like that one bit, in fact she told me one night that she could never forgive me, but that she still loved me. Some of the things parents do to their children is unreal. A child needs both of their parents it is not the childs fault that they couldn't get along. Please remember you are not at fault, you kept a secret that you had to keep in order to have the relationship that you had with your father. My mom wouldn't come to my wedding because she knew that my step mom would be there, I had to just tell myself that is her problem not mine. She missed out on my wedding and there isn't anything I could have or would have done differently. I was not going to exclude my step mom who was so instramental in getting me where I am today.

Please take the time to forgive yourself, I feel you did nothing wrong. If your siblings don't want to have anything to do with you, that is their problem. This may sound rough, but it is a fact don't give it the time in your head, you have better things to think about.

Lord, please help Lori with the problem she faces, help her to firgive herself for the transgression she feels she has done. I know you are all forgiving, as we should be also. Wrap your arms around herr and allow her to feel peace. It is in Jesus name I pray. Amen

[shell]

Lori,

Paul and Derek said it all, and so well! I totally agree with both of them. I think you not only have no reason to feel bad about yourself, but should give yourself a medal! You handled the whole situation very well. So thumb your nose at your siblings and know what a compassionate, loving person you are.

A big hug and a huge pat on the back,

Shell

[lorikelly]

Thank you to each and everyone who answered me. you are a great group of people and i am so happy i found this site. lori

[AnnC]

Wow, what an incredibly difficult situation! Given what you had to deal with, I think you did the best you could. There was nothing you could do to win in that scenario! No matter what decision you made, someone would have been upset, right? So you did what you could to remain in a relationship with each of your parents. I don't want to be harsh, but it isn't fair for parents to try to keep their children from the other parent, unless it is a safety issue.

The same sort of thing happened in my father's family way back. My great-grandfather ran to Las Vegas, divorced my great-grandmother, and married his secretary. And you probably thought that only happens now! This was back in the 1930's.

Anyway, all the sons (my grandfather and his brothers) sided with their mother, understandably, and refused to ever speak to their father again. My father, when he got older in the 1940's, arranged a meeting between his father and grandfather to reconcile. My grandfather was the only one who reestablished a relationship with his father, and his brothers then found a way to exile him from the family business as punishment. But I know both my grandfather and my father were glad, when my great-grandfather died in 1947, that they had been in a relationship with him in his last years. Still, my great-grandmother never forgave them.

It's really a no-win situation, and you have to listen to your heart, which you did. I applaud you for doing very much what my father did, by making that contact and having your father back in your life under the best terms you could arrange. Just like my father could not make his uncles do the same, you can't do anything about what your siblings did, or how your mother felt about it, but you honored your own feelings by staying close to both of them for the rest of their lives, and I think that is a gift of love to your parents.

Ann

[lorikelly]

Thank you Ann, i need to hear that lori