The Loss Of My Grandma The Most Important Person In My Life

[thartz]

I am new to this site and hope that I am doing this right...I recently loss my grandma.My grandma was a very important person in my life due to while growing up my mom had a commitment problem...that is to everything except drugs. So I was at grandma's house most of the time. So I looked at her more as a mother than a grandma. I always refered to her as my rock. She was my foundation in life. She taught me all the important things in life. One of the things... other than the obvious that bothers me...is that I did not fall apart at the funeral. Why when this most important person passed did I not fall apart? I did cry and I was hurt and numb but I did not react as I had always thought that I would. But now that we are just passing the 5 month marker I am having the most difficulty. I am having dreams that just paralize me. The first dream was not bad per say...it was that I went to her house and she was sitting in the chair. My nephew was crying and in the dream and I was told that he was crying because he thought she had died but she didnt...then I work up. Then about a week later I was trying to fall asleep when all of these pictures of grandma in the hospital were racing through my head (and I could smell the smells from the hosp like I was there again) and I could visualize everything like as if it was happening again right in front of me. The harder that I tried to make the thoughts go away the harder and the faster they came on. Then suddenly I remembered this thing my grandma would always say to me since we moved 6 hrs away...she would say "wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze and that is me hugging you." I FELT HER HUG ME...maybe I am crazy but I swear I did...and then I fell asleep. Am I loosing it? I miss her so much. I cry at the drop of a hat now, I just dont understand why it is affecting me so much now and not before...

[Rayon]

First of all I am really sorry for your loss. And no you're not crazy. I've been reading a book called "Final Gifts", that says that our loved ones sometimes try to tell us something through our dreams. I'm not sure what though. I think it's great that you still feel your grandmother hugging you. You feel her presence and that's wonderful. I know it's really hard for you and all of us who have lost a family member who we loved.

[shell]

Thartz,

I believe you didn't fall apart at the funeral for one or several reasons. First, your numb at that stage. I think maybe your grandmother taught you to be strong and you were showing your strength. I didn't fall apart in front of anyone but my family, or when alone. I just am a more private person, I guess you'd call it, than that. Maybe you're the same way. Anyway, I don't think it's weird at all that it is hitting you later. That is quite common, so don't worry about it.

I believe you did feel her hug you. I've had similar experiences and truly think they can still "touch" us in many ways.

Just try to get by one day at a time and don't worry about your emotions or how wacky they may seem to you right now. It's normal.

Hugs,

Shell

By the way, "Final Gifts" is a wonderful book and the first one I read after my dad died.

[Penny1]

Hi Thartz

Welcome to the board....

I know exactly how you feel.... tomorrow will be 9 months since my mom's murder... there are still days when I visualize her passing in the hospital.... it all comes back to me as if I was there once again... it was horrific having to hold her down and watching her die in such agony and pain....

Just the other day, I was having one of those moments....and then all of the sudden I could smell her perfume.... it was as if she was there to calm me down...

It worked.... made me smile and I just started talking to her as if she were here....

You will have days when all seems ok and then from out of the blue it will hit you and the emotional wave will have broadsided you once again....

Just keep trying to have faith that it will pass and realize it is all part of the grieving journey we are on....

It will get easier I promise....

Keep posting, we are all here for you