I Said Goodbye To My Beloved Molly May

[Judith]

I adopted Molly 3 years ago. It was love at first sight. She was a Yorkie mix, she had been abused and she was only 5 years old. I vowed to her that I would never let her suffer again. She was bouncey, smart and, believe it or not, had been well trained. Someone had filed her teeth down, however, and I wondered how anyone could do that to a puppy. She understood words and sometimes I had to spell things when talking on the phone.

Molly snored at night which I thought was so cute. We slept together, she followed me from room to room, and we took long walks...I loved her deeply and she loved me unconditionally. She loved to eat and weighed 10 lbs when I got her. I fed her the best dog food, but she yearned for the good stuff. My Vet said to supplement her diet with celery and carrots. She crunched them down and wanted more. I live alone and Molly was my baby girl.

We didn't run into a problem until last Christmas when she started coughing and choking. I panicked and rushed her to the Emergency Vet Hospital where she was intubated, given shots and kept overnight in oxygen. It was a long time before she had her next attack, which was April 8, my birthday. Again, they gave her shots, x-rayed her and put her in oxygen. She was so scared that she tried to bite the Vet and they wouldn't even lift her out of the oxygen box. I opened it and she jumped into my arms. I was told she had a condition called Collapsing Trachea. It happens in little dogs. Their trachea, (or windpipe), collapses just as if you would suck the air out of a straw.

I went crazy trying to ward off any irritants in the air, I replaced her collar with a halter, I only walked her early in the morning on hot days.

The next attack I rushed her to my own Vet where they did all the same things and kept her overnight. She was put on medication and bounced back once we got home. Then the attacks started coming more regularly; every month. I live on a fixed income and this was devastating for me, as each visit cost from $200 to $250. But she was worth it and I went without things in order to keep her healthy.

Finally, she had an attack on Aug 29, 2006. This time she did not bounce back. She slept most of the time when we got home. I held her like a baby all night the second day. My Vet called and said she would never get better; she was not a candidate for surgery-which costs $3000 and is only done in TN; so he said it was time. The next day I took her "Bye Bye in the Car", which she loves and we had ICE CREAM. On the 31st I took her to Steak-n-Shake and she had a cheeseburger and french fries. That night she was her old self. We took a long walk and she jumped into bed that night. I had to make that horrible decision and thought I just could NOT do it. But a lady Vet volunteered to come to my home. My sister and her husband came over and we played with Molly for a long time. Molly loved it. She was the center of attention. No more scarey Vet hospitals, no more pain. We all said our Goodbyes and I held her in my arms. The Vet's assistant held her gently and I whispered in her ear that I loved her forever. And, peacefully and quietly, she was gone. We all cried and I hugged her and wrapped her in her favorite blanket. I even taped a note on her body saying, "This is Molly May-She was deeply loved. Please handle with kindness". The Vet took her to be cremated and it was over.

It was probably the worse day of my life, but I kept my promise to her.

I don't feel any guilt. But what I wasn't expecting was the PAIN. The kind of pain where you cry and scram. She is gone. She isn't here when I get home. If I reach for her at night there is no one there.. I'm actually sick. Can't eat, can't sleep and can't stop crying. Maybe we were so close that I didn't need anyone else. I live in a retirement community and my neighbors all loved Molly. I often took her to see my Mother in a nusing home, but if I went anywhere without her I had to hurry home. I guess I felt like I didn't need anyone else because I was the luckiest human on earth. Little Molly was the love of my life.

I have lost close family members and it didn't hurt like this. Please tell me it will get better?! I can't afford another dog so that is not an option, not that it would make any diffence. There was no one like Molly May. When I get her ashes I want them buried with me. I wish I could just be glad she is at peace. But all I can do is sob and ache. Please, can anyone help me?

[avsqr_dancer]

Dear Judith,

I am so so sorry for your loss. I know only too well the devastation of lossing a dearly beloved dog, as I had to put my dear Tawny down 3 weeks ago. She was not even quite 2 years old, but she had kidney failure. The vet did what he could, and did buy her another week at home with her family, included her littermate, Tanner. But then she got worse again, and before she suffered any more, we had her put down. There is no way to repair kidneys and we would have only prolonged the suffering and the inevitable, which we knew was not right for our Tawny.

I know only too well the pain that you are feeling. Know that you are NOT alone, and that there is nothing wrong with you. You said it yourself, she was your constant companion, and she gave you so much love and you gave it back to her in return. I wish I could give you a magic pill to take away the pain-if so I'd take it myself!-but I will tell you what has been my experience so far. Although when I think of Tawny, the pain is just as intense and I continue to miss her so much, I do find that as each day passes, the times between thinking about her and hurting are lengthening. You have probably heard this before, but unfortunately the only way past the pain is through the pain. But I also believe that as difficult as it is, crying is also healing and by allowing yourself to fully feel your pain, it will become easier and not take as long to begin the healing process. I am glad that you do not feel any guilt because she certainly have no reason to. And I can tell by what you 2 did together that you were a wonderful doggie mom and that you loved each other very much.

If you would like to talk anymore about this, please feel free to email me, as it also helps me to talk with others who love/loved their animals as much as I loved Tawny.

I wish you serenity as you go on this very difficult journey of grief. And know that there are others on this board who understand how you feel.

[MartyT]

My dear Judith,

I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Yorkie mix Molly, and I understand completely the depth of your sorrow. The pain you are feeling now is a normal reaction to losing the one you loved so dearly, and a measure of the strength of the bond you shared with your dearest friend. Since the two of you were inseparable for the time Molly was in your life, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to let her go, and how empty your home must seem now, without your faithful companion beside you. These dear little dogs have a way of weaving their way into the very fabric of our daily lives, and the love they give to us is absolutely unconditional and irreplaceable.

I understand that Molly’s throat condition was one that could not be fixed, and I'm sure you would have done anything to prolong her life if you could have. Making the euthanasia decision for our cherished companion animals is one of the most difficult things we ever have to do, and I know this must have been terribly hard for you. Yet I'm sure your precious baby knew how very much you loved her, and I have a feeling that she would have understood that this was your final act of love for her.

I don't know if you've ever spent any time on my Grief Healing Web site, but if you go to my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page, I think you will appreciate many of the writings you'll find there and maybe find them helpful. See especially Rita Reynolds' beautiful piece, Euthanasia: The Merciful Release.

I hope, too, that you will give yourself permission to mourn this loss and to experience your grief for Molly as legitimate and real. Unfortunately many people tend to underestimate the pain of losing a cherished pet, but you won’t find people like that in this particular forum. Here you are surrounded by devoted animal lovers like yourself, who respect and understand the human-animal bond. Here you don't have to explain why you are feeling as you are. We all recognize the depth of your sorrow and your pain, because we have been there, too. Besides, only you know what this precious little dog meant to you, and only you can measure just how very much you have lost.

Sometimes it's useful just to do some reading about this different kind of grief, as it helps you to feel less hopeless, "crazy" and alone. Spend some time reading through some of the topics listed in this Loss of a Pet forum. See also these articles, which I think you'll find especially relevant and helpful:

Coping with Pet Loss: Am I crazy to Feel So Sad about This?

When Pet Loss Feels Worse than Death of a Relative

Links to much of what I've written about pet loss are listed on the Articles and Books page of my Grief Healing Web site; see also my Pet Loss Links Page, and click on the category labeled PET LOSS ARTICLES.)

No one can take your pain away at this sad and difficult time, Judith, but I can assure you that you are not alone. Please know that all of us are thinking of you and holding you in gentle thought and prayer.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[STARKISS]

Hi Judith,

I am so very sorry for your loss, I can not even imagine what you are feeling at this moment... Especially after what you both have been through, My heart goes out to you and your dear Molly.. I will keep you in my prayers and I will ask God to give you the strength to continue on your grief journey Take care and God Bless You Shelley

[amanda]

hi judith,

im so sorry for your loss the pain of losing a much loved baby is so horrific,

i lost cindy after 16 years and 5 months,i have her ashes here and always talk to her.

molly may was a very lucky baby to have had you in her life,to have found out what total love and commitment was.

there is nothing i can say to make you feel better but posting here and haveing the support of others that understand is invaluable.

take care.

loads of love

amanda

[Maylissa]

Judith,

I'm sorry I couldn't reply to your posting sooner than now. I read it, but have been so lost in my own suffering that I just didn't have the energy to respond, though it made my heart cry out for you. However, I'm trying to start writing again, and have to say that I feel so very sorry for you. My grief is bad enough, but at least I have my husband, though even he can't replace what I shared with our fur-girl, Nissa. I just want to wave my magic wand and get your Molly, and our Nissa, and everyone else's furkids, back again for all of us!

I understand the feelings of panic with both acute and chronic illness in our beloved babies, and had spent years myself of going through this repeatedly with each of our furbabies ( sibling cats ). It's incredibly debilitating to say the least, as the fear grips our hearts and won't let go, until we're FORCED to finally face the inevitable. It hurts so badly, it's WAAAYYYY beyond paultry words. But your words struck home:

"She is gone. She isn't here when I get home. If I reach for her at night there is no one there.. I'm actually sick. Can't eat, can't sleep and can't stop crying. Maybe we were so close that I didn't need anyone else."

I feel much the same way, except I've only begun to cry as I'm stuck in the shockiness and am running from it as I've never done before. But coming home, or even leaving home, is horrid. Going to bed is even worse, as I've not slept w/o at least one of our babies in almost 20 years, and Nissa was the cuddliest cuddler that ever cuddled! She had it down to a science....so I know how impossible this is to adjust to and worry that I'll NEVER adjust. It was a huge dream-come-true for me to be granted the wish, so many wonderful years ago, of someone furry who loved to cuddle as incredibly closely as our 2 kids did, and it only got more intensive as the years went on. So to be deprived so cold-turkey-like of that.....it's enough to send me to the psych-ward!

I can also relate to your feeling like you didn't need anyone else. Nissa got me through the loss of her brother ( my other, biggest loss in my life ), my Mother and my brother, plus failing friendships, an earlier geographical move that I was never really happy about, troubles with my husband over the years, my own illnesses.....what else IS there, other than losing my husband, too????? Heck, many marriages don't even survive so many of life's suckier moments ( my first one didn't )! But through all these trials and tribulations, I always said, "Thank GOD Nissa's still here, because she's the most important one left to me now anyway...and I don't know what I'll do when she's gone." And now that time is here and I'm going crazy, too. There are barely words adequate for this, other than "It's a MASSIVE loss that there's no real cure for."

So, the fact that you're all alone now.....really rips my heart apart for you. That's such a horrible situation that I don't even WANT to imagine being in such a position, even though, for all I know, I may end up in the same place someday and even though I have started to imagine it before...then stopped because it was too hard to even think about. I always feel the sorriest for those in such a situation during grief, and always will. The soft spot in my heart that our kids filled with their furry love now reaches out to you ( and all others I failed to respond to because of my own grief ) and I hope you'll keep coming back here to share, because we all need each other now more than ever, though we can't, as mere humans, even begin to compare to whom we each lost.

Edited September 11, 2006 by Maylissa