Matthew , My Son

[Roslyn]

It will be 10 weeks on Monday since Matthew left his life here on earth.

I cannot see a time when his face will not be constantly in my mind. No matter what I am saying, doing or thinking, the grief of the loss is there, a great black cloud that weighs me down & frequently overwhelms me.It dominates my every waking moment.Probably my sleeping moments too. I dreamed last night that he was alive.

I ask everyone if they can tell me when it will change. No one seems to have an answer. They all tell me it will "get better" but I don't believe it.

My beautiful son no longer lives in this world & I believe that I will grieve for him till I die. I keep saying "what are we going to do? I don't know what to do".

Roslyn[attachmentid=48]

[gabrielle_land]

Roslyn,

My deep condolence for you,I'm very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Matthew. I know its hard for you, with the overwhelming feeling that you are dealing with now.

How long will it last? such a hard question... I've been grieving exactly for 3 months today and looks like there's still a long path to go through... we all handle our grief as better as we are able to, it's not easy, that's for sure..Will it get better? I hope so.. maybe "better" isnt the word..but maybe less heavy... Though I have had no children yet I know losing a son/daughter is a devastating thing, and I'm so sorry you and other moms have to pass through something like this.. I pray God may guide you and give you the strength you need. Remember Matthew is in your heart now and will always be with you..

I send you lots of blessings,

Gaby

[Roslyn]

Thank you Gabrielle-I am so thankful for every word of kindness, prayer or deed. I feel like a black hole. I told our sr. pastor that I feel as if I am sucking up all the resources of the universe & still barely surviving.

The worst horror of our lives, the death of a child. I think I still do not grasp it all, such a horrible shock. In June Matthew competed in another triathlon, finished 50 out of over 400 entrants & 15th in the one mile swim portion. That was the picture I posted, as he was finishing the swimming part.

One month later, one week after his 38th.birthday, he died-his heart miss-fired during a training swim in the ocean in Maui . How could we not know, how could Matthew not know that his heart was not perfect? Just writing about it breaks my heart all over again. We are all "wounded to our souls", as his twin brother said. His friends in Hawaii made a website in his honor, www.mattatwood.com ,& as much as I love to go there I cannot even hear the theme music from "Braveheart" without falling apart. He was such a braveheart, my Matthew, a brave little boy & courageous man. Such a loss to us all.If I did not know that I will see him again when I go to be with the Lord, I don't think I could not go on another day.

Blessings,

Roslyn

[gabrielle_land]

Roslyn,

You don't need to thank anything, we are here to support each other... how could one deal with this grief if is not expressing with friends, family or in this case, with people who are grieving like us.

I saw Matthew's Memorial site, he was a person surrounded by people who loved him very much and he truly enjoyed life as far as I could see. I'm very sorry for the hard times your family is going through and Betty as well. As you say sooner or later you will be able to be with him again, thats the one thing we can cling on now, I do belive in that that day will come.

God bless you, take care,

Gaby

[Roslyn]

Yes Gaby, our Matthew was filled with life & love-he gave 100% to everything he did & faced all that life brought him with courage & optimism. I think his website reflects well the kind of man he was & the way he lived his life. I know he will not want us to waste the rest of the days God gives us so we want to try & honor that. Today was actually a somewhat better day for me & when I talked to Betty she was also better-I am just thankful for it, the snow storm was gone & we were able to go walking under sunny,blue Colorado skies.I know that tomorrow I may not be the same- I will face it when it comes.

Blessings to you,Gaby,peace & God's love,

Roslyn

[MartyT]

My dear Roslyn,

I’ve just now visited your tribute pages to your beloved son, and I am overcome with sorrow to think that this precious life has ended so soon – way too soon – as your darling Matthew “swam into Heaven” ten weeks ago today. (What a lovely description that is! It took my breath away.) Your online tribute to your son is very moving, and I thank you for sharing it with all of us. What a strong, fit, handsome, affectionate, happy young man I see looking back at me in these beautiful pictures! As a mother of two adult sons myself, I know that right now you are living a mother’s worst nightmare, and I cannot imagine the depth of your pain.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with Sandy Goodman, mother of three grown sons and author of Love Never Dies: A Mother’s Journey from Loss to Love, but I want you to know that the two of you have a lot in common. Sandy’s 18-year-old son Jason, a perfectly healthy young man (and a twin), was electrocuted when he touched a power line hanging near some fire escape stairs. Jason’s death in 1996 started Sandy on a path of spiritual exploration through her grief; four years later she realized she had survived the unthinkable and she began writing her book, which was published by Jodere in 2002. Sandy maintains her own Love Never Dies Web site, edits a monthly newsletter, has presented at national bereavement conferences, and is a regular contributor to Living with Loss Magazine. On her Web site Sandy writes,

When my 18 year old son died in 1996, I found an endless supply of information to assist me in the journey through what is believed to be the universal stages of grief. I found articles on "closure" and books about "moving on" but I found nothing that gave me permission to continue my relationship with my son. Everywhere I looked, death was an end to whatever existed before. I had no desire to stop being Jason's mother. I wanted to work my way through the grief, but I intended to come out on the other side with my connection to Jason still intact.

If you wish to do so, you can contact Sandy at sandy@tribcsp.com. See also the vast array of helpful resources I’ve listed on the Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site.

The loss of a child is a burden much too heavy to bear alone, and I hope that by joining us here, you will continue to let us help you carry that load. If you haven’t already done so, I also encourage you to contact your local chapter of The Compassionate Friends, whose mission is to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age, and to provide information to help others be supportive. You'll find the chapter locater at TCF Chapter Locations.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[AnnC]

Thanks for posting this, Marty. I was fortunate, because soon after I lost my ex-husband, I spoke to Dr. Baugher, a Ph.D. in thanatology, and he told me he hates the word "closure". That we don't "get over" our losses, we learn to live with them. It has helped me to go through this awful journey, and, as Sandy Goodman said, come out with your connection to them still intact. What a beautiful thing to say!

Ann

[kellymarie]

Roslyn, What a beautiful tribute to your son. I am so very sorry to hear about your Matthew. I lost my recent ex-boyfriend over 6 months ago; he was 27 years old. Throughout this horrible experience, Josh's mom has been such a wonderful support to me. We talk regularly and it has helped us both so much. We have gone through many experiences that we both completely understand the other. I hope that maybe you and Betty will be able to help each other through this horrible experience. Again I am so sorry to hear about your Matthew. Hugs, Kelly

[Guest daimon]

Roslyn I hate to say lost because I know where he is but our son died on September 15, 2006. He fell through a sky light helping his dad check out a roof on a building we were about to lease. He fell 30 feet and had not one single sign of injury except a cut on back of his head. He ended up having to have part of his right frontal lobe, left frontal lobe removed and part his skull removed in the back of his head to relieve the swelling. He was in a coma and each day his wife and I were told there would be no tomorrow but they were wrong. Each set back he would come back stronger and then the day came when I asked him to move his toes and he did. He started responding to commands and this 298 lb. 6'6" man would open his eyes when his teenage children were coming down the hallway. When I would ask for a kiss he would pucker his lips for me.

On September 15th the doctor told us that he was out of the coma and we were witnessing a miracle. My daughter in law and I had the best hour with him, he could not speak because of the trach but would follow commands and give us kisses. My sister in law and brother in law came in and as we were telling them the joy of his responses he start breathing heavily so we got the nurses whose first response was that he was panicing because he was coming fully out of the coma and asked that everyone but my daughter in law and I leave the room.

I walked downstairs with my inlaws and came back up to the room where they had called a code. I stood by his head and held him and spoke to him trying to sooth him, he did calm his breathing and was watching me so I started praying with him. For what reason I do not know but I looked at him, told him I loved him and to let Jesus take him in his arms, he looked at me turned his head and was gone.

I am normally a person who is in control, I am the one everyone comes to and now I cannot function. I can't sleep, I eat only because I am reminded and I have this constant fear and pain in my chest. I cannot go into a large store and only attend church because my grandchildren insist, not because I blame the Lord but because of the pain.

My husband and I are lost, we cry for no reason, we can't stay in one place very long because of the thoughts. Our son and his family live next door to us on 10 acres of property. He would pop in and out of the house, when he would leave for a job he would call to tell me of the sights he was seeing.

In my mind I know he is gone but in my heart he is going to walk through that door. I cannot imagine life without him, one day I had two sons now I have one living son who wants so desperately to ease our pain and doesn't know how.

My sons name is Daimon Stroderd, I refuse to say was because he is in my heart and a part of me. I don't know how to see joy or to laugh, I don't know how to get through this.

Beverly

[Roslyn]

Dear Beverly,

I cannot tell you how to get through this. I don't know how I am surviving but there are countless people praying for us & holding us up- that must be how I am still walking around.

Such horror for you to stand there hopelessly & watch as your son slipped away from you.I am so sorry for your loss, Beverly.

It was 12 weeks on Monday when my beautiful Matthew "swam into heaven", and I know I will see him again when my time on earth ends. God gave me a vision while we were in Maui the week after Matthew died there, that showed me exactly that. Without the knowledge that Matthew is with God as is my Mum, his Granny, I would have no hope to live on. That must sound extreme to anyone who has not lost a child, because I have his twin & his oldest & youngest brothers & two grandsons[not Matthew's, he had no children]and his Dad, my wonderful husband. But if I had 10 children & 20 grandchildren I would still feel as much grief & sadness as I do.I would still mourn that Matthew no longer inhabits the earth, that his eyes no longer see & that there is no way I can ever touch him, hear him again in this life.

I wept as I read your message- I know exactly what you describe, the utter despair. There is no pain to equal the loss of a child. As my husband said "I lost my Dad, I lost my sister, I lost my brother & I lost my Mom but THIS IS MY SON".

I was trying to explain it from a mother's view point how after giving birth to a child there is left an indelible imprint on my soul & heart, in my body & my mind. Those places are now torn open & bleeding & I believe that they will remain open until the day I die. I am learning to live with the constant pain, as I have learned to live with the chronic pain of my health challenges I suppose.

I can tell you Beverly, to offer you some hope in this hopeless state you are, that I do not feel now as I did 12 weeks ago-my grief is as big, but the dreadful blackness that overshadowed my entire being is not as constant. I weep every day, sometimes almost all day, that hasn't changed.I cry as I drive, as I shop, iron, clean, sew or speak, the tears come unbidden & they flow like a river. Tonight I was trying to go through the countless cards & messages & place them in a box I bought for them, & I sat & sobbed for hours.

My brother & sister in law in Australia lost a twin son at 18, in January 2002. Todd was my godson & I couldn't imagine how they would survive that tragedy. Now I know.I told Gillian that we are members of a club none of us ever wanted to join. Hoped never to know. In fact it is the horror that sometimes comes to us in the night from the day that we give birth to them. Your faith in God, His promises of eternal life together with all the Saints, may comfort you. Knowing that my Matthew is not lost to me forever is a promise that I cling to.

Blessings, prayer & a grieving mother's love go out to you, Beverly. I would be glad to her from you on my personal Email, but I'm not sure how to give it to you over the website.My sister in law writes to me all the time, sending me messages of comforting words & affirmation.It is good to have someone to talk to who has been where we are.

Roslyn

[Guest daimon]

It is 3 a.m. our time and as usual I am up roaming around, the only thing that has saved me is that I held him at birth and the last words he heard were mine as I held him. I cry constantly, my grandson lives with us while he is attending college and recently told a friend that when his Maw Maw starts cooking again he will know she is on the road to healing.

I have lost both parents and nothing compares to this, I visit his gravesite daily. I know he isn't there but as I clean and pick imaginary dust I feel as if I am taking care of him. I try to be strong for his children and wife but his son recently told me that since his dad is on this "long job", he is 14, that I am so sad.