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Am Torn About What To Do


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Tomorrow the funeral home that I had do my Mom's arrangements is having a tree planting service in honour of all who have passed this year . It is going to take place at a nature site that they purchased land on along with a service. I already had a memorial service for her on June 17th at our church then to the cemetary with luncheon back at the church. I received a letter this week form the funeral home reminding me when the tree planting service is. It shot pain through my soul all over again and I decided that I cannot put myself through this all over again! I managed to make it through the memorial service and burial but I just don't know if I can take much more. My sister phoned me to ask if my son and I are going to the tree planting tomorrow and she said "I don't think I will because when they did Nan's there were no toilets out there so I had to leave." ( Nan was what we called our maternal grandmother who I loved dearly too). I thought regarding what my sister said --well WHY call me to ask if I am going if you have no intentions of going yourself all because there are no toilets there! See the type of sister I am dealing with!?!? She's not going because of TOILETS, NOT because she can't take any more emotionally! I told her I didn't think I was going because I have had enough emotionally right now and I already did a memorial for Mom so I think Mom would understand if I didn't attend the tree planting service. (It's not just for my Mom , it's for everyone who has died this year.) My sister said "Oh... yeah, ok then, that's all I wanted to know so bye." her voice almost cracking (yeah couldn't believe that one , especially from the no heart Grinch!) Now I'm sitting here wondering if I should go tomorrow to this tree planting service or just take flowers with my son and I alone out to the cemetary? I don't know if I can handle this tree planting service emotionally and it is a distance to drive and I don't want to be driving alone with a child in the car all teary eyed. Like I said I got through the memorial and drove then with a child in the car but I was more together then than I have been lately and I just don't know if I can take ONE MORE thing to do with my Mom being dead right now. Then I think well it will seem like I don't care by not going to this tree service but I do care -- a lot more than words can even describe. My son doesn't know this service is tomorrow and I don't think I'll tell him as I know he will beg to go so in some ways I feel like I am robbing him of the opportunity to do something extra for his Nana too. I really don't know what to do at this point. I also thought I also really don't want to see my sister and possibly nephew and his family right now either so if they do go anyway then I have to be around them right now, although it is doubtful my nephew even remembers there is a tree planting service or even remembers he had a grandmother at all , he is so selfish and self-centered most of the time! Any insights? Love to all

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Don't go, that's my advice. I am currently struggling to deal with the needs of others to see me or have me go out. I am just saying "no".

The grief counselor told me it's ok to limit activity & contacts. It just takes too much energy to even talk to others. I need all I have just to breathe.

So don't go to the tree planting thing. It's really ok.It doesn't represent your love for your mother.



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I think you don't have to go if you don't want to. if you can't handle it then don't do it. just make sure that is what you want so that you don't feel bad later on. it is nice that the funeral home is doing this, i never heard of that. your mom would want you to do what is good for you. lori

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Whiteswan,

I agree with everyone so far, I think that you have to go with your gut feeling and than live with that... I do not think other should try to influence you with there trying to tell you what to do.. I know if it was me I would choose not to go because I too would not want to bring up those feelings again too. Take care and I will keep you in my prayers Shelley

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