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Am Torn About What To Do


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Tomorrow the funeral home that I had do my Mom's arrangements is having a tree planting service in honour of all who have passed this year . It is going to take place at a nature site that they purchased land on along with a service. I already had a memorial service for her on June 17th at our church then to the cemetary with luncheon back at the church. I received a letter this week form the funeral home reminding me when the tree planting service is. It shot pain through my soul all over again and I decided that I cannot put myself through this all over again! I managed to make it through the memorial service and burial but I just don't know if I can take much more. My sister phoned me to ask if my son and I are going to the tree planting tomorrow and she said "I don't think I will because when they did Nan's there were no toilets out there so I had to leave." ( Nan was what we called our maternal grandmother who I loved dearly too). I thought regarding what my sister said --well WHY call me to ask if I am going if you have no intentions of going yourself all because there are no toilets there! See the type of sister I am dealing with!?!? She's not going because of TOILETS, NOT because she can't take any more emotionally! I told her I didn't think I was going because I have had enough emotionally right now and I already did a memorial for Mom so I think Mom would understand if I didn't attend the tree planting service. (It's not just for my Mom , it's for everyone who has died this year.) My sister said "Oh... yeah, ok then, that's all I wanted to know so bye." her voice almost cracking (yeah couldn't believe that one , especially from the no heart Grinch!) Now I'm sitting here wondering if I should go tomorrow to this tree planting service or just take flowers with my son and I alone out to the cemetary? I don't know if I can handle this tree planting service emotionally and it is a distance to drive and I don't want to be driving alone with a child in the car all teary eyed. Like I said I got through the memorial and drove then with a child in the car but I was more together then than I have been lately and I just don't know if I can take ONE MORE thing to do with my Mom being dead right now. Then I think well it will seem like I don't care by not going to this tree service but I do care -- a lot more than words can even describe. My son doesn't know this service is tomorrow and I don't think I'll tell him as I know he will beg to go so in some ways I feel like I am robbing him of the opportunity to do something extra for his Nana too. I really don't know what to do at this point. I also thought I also really don't want to see my sister and possibly nephew and his family right now either so if they do go anyway then I have to be around them right now, although it is doubtful my nephew even remembers there is a tree planting service or even remembers he had a grandmother at all , he is so selfish and self-centered most of the time! Any insights? Love to all

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Don't go, that's my advice. I am currently struggling to deal with the needs of others to see me or have me go out. I am just saying "no".

The grief counselor told me it's ok to limit activity & contacts. It just takes too much energy to even talk to others. I need all I have just to breathe.

So don't go to the tree planting thing. It's really ok.It doesn't represent your love for your mother.



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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Whiteswan,

I agree with everyone so far, I think that you have to go with your gut feeling and than live with that... I do not think other should try to influence you with there trying to tell you what to do.. I know if it was me I would choose not to go because I too would not want to bring up those feelings again too. Take care and I will keep you in my prayers Shelley

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