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hello im feeling a bit weepy and down in the dumps today 16 years ago today i lost my baby son i was 5 months pregnant. I have no 1 to talk too every 1 thinks i should just forget but i cant i cry every year on the 27th sep and the day he should have been born 13th feb. I cant talk to my husband anymore about it he gets so upset we did go on to have another son but it doesnt fix the hole in my heart the biggest regret in my life is when i lost him the nurses asked did i want to see and hold him and i said no oh god i wish i could turn the clock back and hold him and tell him how much he was wanted and how much mummy and daddy loved him :( we love you liam forever thanks andrea xxx

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Andrea,

My wife and I lost 2 babies both at 11 weeks about 9 years ago. I still think about them. One thing that helped me alot was a preacher told me that the babies are in Heaven and when we get to Heaven, we will know them and they will know us. My wife passed away April 6th of this year, we did have a son who is now 7 years old. I take comfort in that Karen is now up there in Heaven with our 2 children and one day I will be there with them. I know it is very hard when you lose an unborn child wheather it is at 11 weeks or 5 months. You carried your baby for 5 months inside of you, you have a connection that no man can begin to understand, myself included. I am sad to hear that your husband isn't more understanding. I have a couple of suggestions, 1 of which is keep coming here and post your thought and feelings, there are a lot of caring and understanding people on this site that will not judge you. We know that each person grieves their own way and in their own time frame. 2nd, I don't know what your belief is in God, but if you believe, pray for your husband, pray that he will have an understanding of where you are coming from and keep praying each night for that, if anything it will help you when you are feeling down. I hope this has been a help to you. God bless.

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I lost a pregnancy 25 years ago. It was very early, only about 6 or 7 weeks. But now that my husband has died, I think about that baby more, because I would have something of him had she survived (there was no proof of the sex of the baby, but I always felt it was a girl.)

I don't know if you have heard of the psychic medium John Edward, but I had a brief reading with him, and he told me he felt I had lost a daughter, because my husband was rocking a baby girl on the other side, and he was there with his parents, my in-laws. So I comfort myself that my baby is with her father and grandparents, and is well taken care of. My mother in law died before we got married, so she was there when the baby died.

I don't know if you find that comforting -- it's what helps me. I never did have another child, but I felt so validated when I got that reading -- that even though that baby was never born, I am still her mother.

Ann

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My dear Andrea,

I, too, lost a baby son, nearly 40 years ago, just three days after he was born, following what we thought was a normal, full-term pregnancy. Because our little David was gravely ill with what we later learned was a severe Rh-factor incompatibility, he was never brought to me, and I was never taken to the nursery to see him – either before he died or afterward. Because I’d had a C-section, I couldn’t attend his funeral or his burial, either. In those days, mothers simply weren’t “allowed” to see or hold their dead babies, and I was too young, too naive and too bereft even to consider breaking “the rules.” In the weeks and months that followed, no one talked with me about what happened, and it was as if our baby David had never existed at all. My husband and I had no one to console us, and neither of us had a clue as to how to acknowledge and manage our grief. Fortunately it’s very different today, as hospital staff in our hospital Labor and Delivery and Postpartum units are far more enlightened. Today the impact of miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death is viewed much differently from how it was seen in the past, and now there is a vast array of resources available to help newly bereaved mothers (and fathers) better understand and manage their reactions. See, for example, some of the sites listed on the Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site.

But what of the mothers and fathers like us, whose babies died forty or twenty-five or sixteen years ago? Whether we got the help we needed at the time, certainly we haven’t forgotten our babies who’ve died. It is normal and healthy to acknowledge their existence and find ways to remember them, so we can bring them into the future with us. Our babies’ deaths do not erase their existence, and we need not leave the memories of them behind. Even though I never “saw” my David or “held” him in the usual way, he still is a very significant part of me. He lived in my womb for nine months, and now he lives in my heart. I will carry him with me all the days of my life. I would not be the person I am today if this baby had never been. I know that my experience of my baby David’s death is what taught me firsthand about the agony of grief, and it is what put me on the path to one day becoming a bereavement counselor. My book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year is dedicated to my David (and to my dear parents who’ve died).

Andrea, you say that you cry every year on September 27, the anniversary date of your baby Liam’s death, and every year on February 13,the day he should have been born. I wonder what would happen if you chose instead to develop a ritual that would celebrate those days, in honor of Liam and as your own personal way of remembering him? Rituals can strengthen the bond that connects you with your baby, as well as restore a sense of balance to your life, and they can be done publicly or privately, together with your family or all by yourself. The beauty of ritual is that it can be as private as you want it to be; no one else has to know about it, unless you want to share it with them. Creating a ritual of your own is not difficult; it can be any activity that holds meaning for you. For example, you could light a candle, or simply have a moment of silence in Liam’s honor. On the anniversary of his birth or death, you could make a donation in his name to your favorite charity. Each Christmas you could buy a gift for Liam and give it to a needy child, or buy a special ornament for Liam each year and hang it on your tree. The possibilities are endless. See my article Creating Personal Grief Rituals.

You see, Andrea, your baby Liam has no visible presence in this world, but you do. You can actively look for ways to honor and memorialize this precious little one. If his song is to be remembered, then it’s up to you to do the singing.

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Hi Andrea,

I am so very sorry for your loss, I have never lost a child so I can not even imagine what you are going through.. I have lost both my parents four months apart from each other but have never lost a child... I just wanted you to know that even though some of us have never lost a child we are still here for you and will keep you in our prayers... Take care and God Bless You Shelley

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hello im feeling a bit weepy and down in the dumps today 16 years ago today i lost my baby son i was 5 months pregnant. I have no 1 to talk too every 1 thinks i should just forget but i cant i cry every year on the 27th sep and the day he should have been born 13th feb. I cant talk to my husband anymore about it he gets so upset we did go on to have another son but it doesnt fix the hole in my heart the biggest regret in my life is when i lost him the nurses asked did i want to see and hold him and i said no oh god i wish i could turn the clock back and hold him and tell him how much he was wanted and how much mummy and daddy loved him :( we love you liam forever thanks andrea xxx

On October 19 I lost my baby. I was 5 months pregnant. I had a rare form of preaclampcia called HELLP syndrome. The disease almost took my life as well. I spent a week in the hospital because after I delivered it came back. It was a monster that never gave up. It wanted to take my life and only by the grace of God I am still alive.

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