I Don't Know

[strength-seeker]

I'm torn. I'm torn between who I think I should be, who I think I am, and who I want to be. Suddenly every decision I make holds so much importance. I don't just feel sad anymore, I feel depressed and devastated. I'm not just making bad choices anymore, I'm self-destructive. And I'm never actually happy. Sometimes I think I just like to throw myself a pity party and that I'm just letting myself sink into this abyss because it's easier, and other times I scare myself with how distant I am with the world. Does anyone else feel like they're going crazy? I'm 22 years old and this is just too much for me. My mom wasn't supposed to die.

Everything I do now has so much meaning. Every time I make a choice means I'm giving up or fighting through it and I'm sick of it. If I decide to drink with friends I don't want it to mean that I'm giving up, but that's what it feels like. Everytime I do something I don't think is appropriate, I feel like I'm failing. Why am I suddenly so afraid of failure? And not the noticable kind. Not the "failing school" kind, but the, I've-failed-myself kind, which is, arguably, worse.

I'm sorry. This is my first post, and I'm definitely rambling extremely incoherently. My mom died. A year and a half ago. I thought I was doing okay until this past summer. I lived alone. I had a lot of time to myself and I became really sad. Now I'm confused. I feel overwhelmed and conflicted by the littlest thing.

I know time is a key factor... but I don't think I have it in me. I'm tired of telling people I'm good, when I want to yell at them for even asking me, ya know?

I'm glad I found this place. I read your posts and my heart aches for you, and I cry for you and the people you've lost and I feed off your strength in hopes that you'll feed off mine.

[Trudy1964]

Strength-Seeker,

I think at one time or another we have all felt the same way. My Mother passed away 2 1/2 months ago. She had lung cancer. She passed 3 1/2 after we found out she had. I feel like we were spiraling downward out of control. Everything happened so fast. I felt very much like you did on the 2nd month ann. of her death. I did not want to be around other people. I knew my sister was very down but I could not handle her pain. All I could handle was my own grief. I didn't want to be around happy people either. I made my kids lie and tell people I wasn't home so I wouldn't have to talk on the phone to people. I was sad to the innermost part of my being. I have never experienced such emptiness before. My family doctor advised me to see a counselor. I am seeing him next week. I have been having migraine headache everyday since my Mom passed. My heart aches for you to have to go through this at such a young age. I'm 42. I guess this shows us no matter how old you are grief is grief. And it just plain hurts....

God Bless,

Trudy

[jkw]

Dear Trudy and Strength Seeker:

My Mom passed away June 14 2006, 3 1/2 months ago. I always thought she would be here, and never, ever thought she would die. I am lost without her, and don't know what to do with myself. I am 47, soon to be 48 in November, and I still need my Mom! She died from COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). She smoked her entire life, and I never thought it would kill her, but it did. I am most angry because it didn't have to happen. On my Mom's side of the family, everyone always died from old age. No cancer, no heart disease, nothing. I said once that we don't need for diseases to run in our family, that we just kill ourself. I know that sounds crude, but I was angry at her. THen, in the same breath, I can't be angry with her. She didn't know it would kill her. I am so torn. There is nothing I can do to bring her back, so it does me no good to be angry with her.

At least in the last year of her life, we got closer to each other than we ever had. I took care of her, even in the end when she couldn't feed herself, or change herself. She basically just laid in bed all day and watched TV, in between sleeping.

But when she woke up, I was right there for her, and I know she appreciated it. We never told Mom she was dying (although she probably knew near the end), so I could never tell her good bye.

Days are better, now that I have found this website. It is very healing to read and to write on this site. Everyone here is suffering, but they all reach out to one another to try to ease the other's hurt. They are all just like family. You will never be judged for what you need to say, so feel free to say exactly what is on your mind.

I hope the both of you find some happiness and peace in the coming days and weeks. I am so very sorry for each of your losses.

Sincerely,

Kim

[shell]

Hi Strength Seeker,

Welcome to this site. And don't feel you ever have to apologize for "rambling". For one thing, you weren't, and everything you said made perfect sense and even if you did, we wouldn't care. We have all "rambled" at one point or another!

I am so sorry for your loss. You are so young to have to deal with the long journey of grieving! I am finding that more and more of us (including myself) fall into a pattern where we thought we were doing reasonably ok, and then, wham! it hits us a second time. And usually it is farther down the road. It's like we keep plugging away at keeping ourselves together, and do a pretty good job of it, and then we just wear out and can't keep it up anymore. I know that overwhelmed feeling all too well. The only thing I can tell you is that you will pick yourself back up again eventually.

I am taking care of my mother and our cats (all of which I love with all my heart) but I feel everything is on my shoulders. So I understand what you mean about decisions, and second guessing them, and being afraid of failing. All of a sudden, everything seems so important! But then I remind myself that I can handle it and that MOST things aren't that important in the grand scheme of things, ya know? And if you make a mistake, you can just try harder tomorrow. So give yourself a break and think about all the things you've handled and done right.

Sometimes it helps to more or less stay away from people for awhile and re-group. It is hard to have to put up a front and you need to just be alone with your feelings and get through them. You'll be stronger then.

Good luck and keep posting your thoughts. Oh, and yes, we have all felt we were going nuts! But you aren't! You're just not through the entire grieving process yet. Unfortunately, it takes a lot longer than anyone can imagine, but you will make it.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[Trudy1964]

Kim,

Thanks for your words of kindness. This site helps me so much. If I think it, I can say it here. Unfortunately, everyone is going through the same thing here. My Mother also suffered from COPD and kidney disease. We were so very lucky in many ways. My Mother was 75. She had not been in the hospital since my 40 year old baby brother was born. She never complained until 6 weeks and 2 days before she died. I am so lucky to be able to say from June 9 until July 16 I spent every day with her. Some were 24 hour a day. She was never in any pain. In the hospital, she would say how much she laughed and was having fun with all the company she was having. Everyday was really good until one week before she died. She would only tell us she didn't feel good. The last whole sentence she said to me was "I feel like I'm dying." She would only sleep after that and asked for "water". Three days later she died. The Dr. who diagnosed her cancer said it had probably spread all over her body. He thought she should have been in major pain, thankfully, she wasn't. She died very peacefully with all of her children around her. We were able to say the rosary. When we finished reciting the rosary, my niece felt foot steps behind her on the carpet. I think it was my Mom beginning her journey to heaven.

When the Dr. came in to tell us the results of the biopsy, I was alone at the hosp. He said they were positive. After he walked out the room, Mom looked at me and said "I guess I don't have long to live." How do you reply to that? I said "Mom, they are not God. I just don't want you to suffer." The night she died, I had gone to take a nap. I went to sleep at midnight. My sister told me her breathing began being really labored right after midnight. When they came to get me at 4, I ran to her bed. She took one last breath and passed. She didn't let me see her suffer. My Mom took care of me till the end of her life.

Looking back over the last two years, many things have been falling into place by the grace of God. My Mom told me in Dec. 2005 that she hoped to visit my brother in Kentucky one more time before she died. In May 2006 for her birthday and Mothers Day she was in Kentucky. She passed 8 weeks later. She had lost a lot of weight of which she was so proud. We now know it was cancer but she didn't know that. I'm very grateful she thought it was her diet. She had bought a beautiful suit to attend my nieces wedding. The wedding was cancelled. Mom had purchased the suit she was to be buried in after loosing 50 pounds. She looked so beautiful in her outfit. She hated Sundays. Living alone, she always said they were so depressing. She died at 4:03 on a Sunday morning. She didn't have to go through another long Sunday afternoon.

I believe sick people know when they are close to the end. We all took our turns telling my Mom she could go. We would be Ok. She kept hanging on. We took out some pictures Sat. night and starting telling old stories. We laughed and cried. We laughed about her. We cried about her. They were tears of joy of the memories we would always have with us. Six hours later she passed away. I think she was waiting until she knew we would be OK.

Your Mom knows you want peace for her, like we all want for our love ones. Our heads know what is best for them, our hearts say other wise.

I am so sorry for your loss. This site helps me so much. Some days are better than others. It is always really bad around the ann. mark. I know this journey will be a long, long, hard journey. I look around and I see people who have lost loved ones before me and made it. Through many tears I'm sure we will too.

God speed,

Trudy

Thanks to whoever gave us permission to ramble.

[jkw]

Hi Trudy,

In a way, your situation and mine were quite similar. Was your Mom on Hospice? Mine was, and they provided her with a hospital bed, a bedside table, and the nurse came to visit twice a week, and an aide came once a week to bathe her. They also provided all of her medications, which were delivered to the house.

My Mom thought Hospice was there ONLY to make her comfortable and to provide the bed, oxygen, etc. She was never told that she was dying.

It was great that your Mom had all of her children around her when she crossed over! I didn't want my Mom to be alone, nor my daughter. Plus, I just felt like I needed to be there with her.

It's neat that you said your Mom took care of you up until she died...my Mom was always worried if I was tired or if I was eating...She was always thinking of how everyone else was doing. I don't know how many times she told me how much she appreciated me being there and helping her. I just told her that she took care of me when I was young, now it was my turn to take care of her! She liked that.

I need to go right now, but I will check in later. Take care, and thanks for writing. NO ONE ever rambles here! It's all just things we have in our head that we need to let out!

Take care,

Kim

[Trudy1964]

Hi Kim,

Yes, my Mom had Hospice but for only 2 days. We came home Friday July 14 with hospice and she passed Sunday July 16. They were a tremendous help. I don't think we would have made it without them. They provided the hospital bed, meds, oxygen and knowledge of the next step. We didn't even know who to call when she passed. Our nurse had told me at midnight (over the phone) that I needed some rest. That's when I went to bed. At 4 am when Mom passed, I called her. She came 1 1/2 hrs. away. She sat with us and prayed. I like you just had to be there.

Thank God my family was very understanding because they were put on the back burner. My Mom came first. My Mom raised 6 kids alone after my Dad left when my baby brother was 1. It was my turn. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

You are so lucky that you Mom told you all the kind words. She knew the labor of love you were returning to her. Reading that made me smile a little bit. I know it gives me peace when I think of how my Mom would tell us in the hospital that she hadn't laugh so much in a long time.

I know we made her happy in her last days. My head knows all this. My heart just hurts so much.

I am currently reading a book 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. Its about a man who died in an automobile accident. The paramedics thought he had died on impact. He writes of his 90 minute journey to heaven. It is so awesome. Our Mom's and Dad's are in such a wonderful place. I'm OK with where she is. The problem is she's just not here anymore.

I hope this week brings you a good few days.

Trudy