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I Feel Like I'm Stuck In A Black Hole


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In a week it'll be the two year anniversary of my mom's death. All month long I've been going farther and farther into a depression. There are times when I get to my breaking point and all I want to do is cry but I can't do it. I've had a hard time letting myself cry for years now and I usually end up resorting to cutting to release the pent up emotions. I'm really trying to avoid getting to that point. But lately it just doesnt seem like life is going to get any better. My sister wants me to go visit her over thanksgiving and i'm not sure i even want to do that. I hate admitting to my sister when theres something wrong. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont feel safe really talking to anyone anymore because i know everyone has their own problems. I hate having to admit that i'm not as strong as everyone seems to think I am. I dont know whats wrong with me please help... :(

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I think just the fact that you got it out online that you are thinking about cutting is a good first step. When I am having a bad day with depression, anger, or anything else, just coming on this website and getting it out makes me assess my behavior in a whole new light. It's weird how it works, but I think you should continue to open up about it, and maybe you will be able to get through this dark spell. Try to celebrate your mom's life and the memories next week. Easy for me to say, right? I have struggled with depression my whole life, and sometimes I just want to sulk, which is perfectly okay, but there comes a point where you have to pick yourself up. I will be praying for you.

XOXO,

Magdalyn

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You are having the same problem so many of us do and that is that we try so hard to be strong, we don't want to burden others, and we don't ask for help. With my mom still so "out of it" (and I keep hoping she will get better, but she may not) I am having to be the strong one and it sucks, frankly. I am not complaining about taking care of my mom (I love her more than anyone ) but there are so many times that I just feel so overwhelmed and lost and scared. And I don't talk to anyone about it because I don't want to burden them (except to all of you, which is why this board has truly, truly been a lifesaver). I really can't ask for help because I don't have anyone to ask! I have no magical advise. I just plug away day after day and hope that things will be ok. I wish you could cry, because that is the best release I know of. Try immersing yourself in things (music is great for this, or pictures or sad movies, anything) that will make you cry and just let yourself go. It would help you so much.

Hang in there.

A big hug to you,

Shell

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you took a the first step in coming here. it will help you to read and to write. i know how you are feeling i lost my mom 3mos ago and it feels awful. i know that i am depressed. you should go talk to someone or a group plus come here , we are all here to listen. tell us anything nobody judges here, you are safe. also have you seen a medical dr, maybe you should talk about meds if it is right for you. i am not telling you to take them but maybe go find out so info. pls keep coming here, the people are wonderful. lori

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Butterfly girl,

Hey! So how are you handling things? I, too, have been depressed this week. My dad passed on August 26 of this year. Today I heard a song that I had listened to on the way home to California after he died. It was "Where the streets have no name" by U2. I have a really hard time crying too, but when I heard the song it took me right back to that moment and the pain I was feeling, and I shed a few tears, just a few. Are there any songs that remind you of your mom? Maybe you could even check out the U2 album I was talking about.

Chat later,

Magdalyn

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Brian,

I like that Coldplay album too. But it seems to be the songs that i heard by chance during that time are the ones that bring me to tears. We all have our own songs. Another song is Sheryl Crow "The first cut is the deepest". I really hope butterfly comes back on here. Butterfly girl, are you there? Still praying for you.

Magdalyn

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Magdalyn,

I know what you mean about the songs you heard at the time. An ex-boyfriend committed suicide when I was in high school (many, many years ago, I hate to admit!) and they played two songs at his funeral. To this day when I hear those songs, I get tears in my eyes.

Speaking of songs, listen to "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban. It's a beautiful song (a real tear jerker, of course!).

Hugs,

Shell

Butterflygrl, how are you doing?

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