Everyone Seems To Have Had Such Great Dads

[magdalyn]

After reading alot of posts, I have come to the conclusion that I may be the only one on here that lost a dad that they did not have a close relationship with. How's does this make me feel? Even worse.

However, when he died on August 26, I was so sad. And I still am. My parents divorced when I was five. I then only saw him a handful of times growing up, and then for a few months when I was 19 i lived with him. Then for the past 10 years our relationship went downhill with barely any contact. Not my choice of course, but i tried.

But when he was dying in the hospital, I was there for him. And even though he wasn't coherent, I know he knew I was there. I stayed with him alone for 3 hours and talked to him. He kept turning his head away from me. Maybe he just couldn't face me. but i told him I forgave him, and I loved him. My grandma told me I was very special to him, I was Daddy's little girl. Throughout my life, I have looked to replace him by other men in my life. It just makes me feel sad that he is gone, and I will never have the chance to reconcile with him, or make him more a part of my life. I envy those that had their father close to them. But I miss you Dad. I know you just didn't know how to show that you loved me. But I know that you did.

Magdalyn

[lorikelly]

Magdayln

My dad was an alcoholic and our life was crazy. my mom had her own issues and our house was a nightmare. i wrote a long post about this under "Secret". my parents finally separated when i was in my early twenties and my mom and i moved in together. i decieded to have a relationship with my dad b/c i needed to and i am glad i did. he loved my boys so much. i had to hide this relationship from my mom and siblings . i knew he wasn't perfect but i needed to do it for me and i am glad. i don't think any of us have perfect relationships with our parents granted some are better then others. i think you did the best you could do and went to see him in the hospital. he heard everything you said and probably was so thankful. try not to beat yourself up i know its easier said then done. lori

[STARKISS]

Hi Magdalyn,

I was just reading your post and had to reply, I had a father who verbal abuse me and also sexual abuse me but after many years of help I was able to forgive him for some of the stuff he did to me... Like calling me a pig.... I hope this helps Take care Shelley

[Maylissa]

Magdalyn,

My father was a beast, a cold, unloving, cruel and abusive man. He's still alive, but at least isn't capable anymore of hurting anyone (in a home, with bad dementia). All he ever cared about was money and prestige. His ego was so damaged, he spent his whole life trying to BE somebody, with no room allowed for love for anyone. He also hated me, and the feeling is more than mutual.

So by comparison, I think you did a great thing ( not that I would ever consciously choose to do the same with my father ) and in my books, I'd consider it 'good ENOUGH'. Some of us will never know the feelings associated with having even a good, much less great father, and that IS very sad a thing, but it was beyond our control and I suppose there were/are lessons to be had from that as well, although they're not 'sweet-tasting' lessons. So to give of yourself when you didn't get as much back...if nothing else, that could help you feel GOOD about yourself, if you let it. I understand the feeling of utter envy, a frustration that has no real cure. I used these boards to vent, rant and rage about my father and all he did when my Mum and bro. died, and that helped ME. Since my father refused to give me what I needed, I've had to learn to go get it for myself, as best I can...although I'm still working on the self-love that he (and my Mother) robbed me of being able to feel easily and naturally.

It IS hard to read about others' loving parental relationships, if you haven't had the good fortune to have experienced the same yourself, especially if, like me, neither parent was terribly good. But on every board I've used, there are always a few with similar backgrounds, and it only takes a 'coming out of the woodwork' to get others talking about their own UN-ideal relationships. So know you're not completely alone in this. It makes grief harder if you never mention it to others, so I'm glad you've had the courage to do this for yourself. Keep talking, if it helps...I know it did for me. We're not ALL the Walton's here!

Edited October 23, 2006 by Maylissa

[Chrystal]

Hi Magdalyn,

I too had a different sort of relationship with my Dad. He passed on October 8th/06 at 51 years of age. My dad was addicted to drugs while I was growing up, he and my mom split up about 15 years ago. My Dad wasnt a bad person in fact I think he was one of the kindest, most caring people I know. I usually only saw him when I took the time to drive to his house and pop in on him. He didnt have a phone so I couldnt call him, he would call me occasionaly from a pay phone. I did manage to see him every couple months at the least because I was so persistent. I know that it was not because he didnt love me, he was just struggling with difficulties in his own life and life was sometimes hard for him. He had been clean for the past 10 years but never regained a "normal" life, he struggled with finances and I think with his self esteem. I loved him so much and I know he loved me very much. Despite not seeing each other all the time I still felt as though we had a special connection, maybe not your typical father daughter relationship but definately a strong bond. I hope it helps to know that not everyone had a perfect father but it doesnt mean you love them any less or miss them any less. I think it is wonderful that you were there for him in the hospital, and am sure that he went more peacefully knowing that you were there for him

Take care Chrystal

[magdalyn]

Thanks to everyone that answered me. It helps to know that others can relate to my relationship with my dad. I sincerely appreciate you all opening up and sharing things that i know were hard to share. I really can't talk to alot of people about my dad because i just don't really think they would understand, people like my mother-in-law. She really doesn't know the specifics, and I really don't think I will ever share it with her. But thanks for letting me vent, and for listening.

Love to all,

Magdalyn