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Just Can't Bring Myself To Attend Church Service


Whiteswan

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Today I yet again had my girlfriend and her husband (and kids) pick my son up to go to church with them. Good thing we all attend the same church, eh? It has been over 2 months since I've attended the Sunday service and about only 4 times since my Mom passed in April. I do go to the Wednesday evening classes for adults while my son goes to his youth group there and I do attend the once a month family movie night there but I just can't seem to bring myself to go to Sunday service right now! The last time I did go to Sun service I had a tremendous hot flash (yeah, I'm in that stage of my life too while going through grief at the same time!) and had to walk out of the service to go to the ladies room as I felt hot, half dizzy and like I was going to suffocate! (Happens with a real bad hot flash). Needless to say all eyes were on me when I walked out of the santuary during the talk (no doubt due to the fire red colour of my face and neck!) and it wasn't long before 4 other women were in the washroom asking me if I was ok then giving me advice re hot flashes and getting cold wet paper towels for me to cool down with. We all ended up spending the rest of the service in the rest room together and when we did come out when the service was over several well meaning men wanted to know it I was ok to which the women basically covered for me with lines like "Well you know how a group of women are when they meet each other in the bathroom." and so on. Then I went through a period where I was doubting God, then be angry at him over my Mom's death and so on. I am past that now but I just can't seem to get my butt in there on a Sunday morning yet. I think it could be related to the fact that my Mom died on a Sunday. Today when my son came home from church he told me that several of the ladies there were asking him where his Mommie was today and he told them "Well, I think she has a hard time on Sundays because her Mom , my Nana, died on a Sunday." (Out of the mouth of babes!) I think he hit the nail on the head so to speak. He said the ladies all told him to tell his Mommie that I am in their thoughts and prayers and to call them if I need to talk. I felt bad in a way that my son is being asked where his Mommie is ! Any advice or insight on how to get past this and get to church on Sundays? Love and hugs.

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Whiteswan,

You poor thing...I've been through the hot flashes too. I almost went crazy during that period, but to add grieving to the whole process...you have my deepest sympathies. I think if you don't want to go on Sundays, it's ok. Someday you will be able to, but for now, you just have to do what's comfortable for you.

Hugs,

Shell

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I don't have hot flashes but have severe anxiety that gets me so worked up my legs shake and i can't sit still. sometimes i have to pace. it also makes me physically sick. its awful that with all this grief we have to have all this other stuff. when i go to mass i sob , i always think people are looking at me. i say to myself it is ok b/c God know why i am sad. just try you best and when you are ready you will go back. God knows what you are going through and he will never leave you. Remenber that. Lori

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I remember the first service that i went to after my dad passed. I was weeping my heart out during the worship part, and I had to ask the lady next to me for Kleenex. I too was afraid that I would do that, and I did, (but not a hot flash-can't imagine) and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I know everyone around me thought I was completely crazy. But the Lord still really spoke to me and looking back it was a time of healing and the fact that I got renewed far more outweighed that fact that i lost it in church. Plus I sat in the back row. You might try that, in case you need to leave again. I would give it a try, it sounds like God is really trying to meet you there, and he will bring healing. As I kept going back (I don't go regulary, just when i can), it got easier and easier. I don't know if your mom knew the Lord, but if she did i am sure that she would want you to be in church on Sundays, the day she passed, and she will be right by your side. And the good thing is that you make sure your children still go, even if you don't. Well, I hope this helps a little. God bless.

XOXO

Magdalyn

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Thanks for all replies. Yes, my son still goes -- he loves going to church and thank God I have a good friend who goes too and is willing to take him along with her family! My Mom believed in God and yes, she was religious just quietly so- she didn't share her beliefs with many (I was one of the few fortunate ones in that department as we were close and often shared our inner most thoughts /feelings and beliefs with each other.) She told me what songs she wanted played at her memorial service (she knew she was dying -- even before the doctors did) and the majority of those songs had religious tones or were gospel songs which she frequently listen to. She also was the one who suggested that my son and I start attending the church we go to as we were looking for a new church a few yrs ago -- she liked and respected the church we have been attending the past few yrs. She used to tell me not to visit her at the hospital on Wed nights as my son has his church youth group then and to take him to that instead, so yes, she no doubt would be telling me to go to church but it's just hard right now. I have been having hot flashes off and on all weekend and today and I am terrified that I'll get another one at church during the service. I hate them and I wish this part of my life would cool down -- no pun intended -ha. I had a dream in which my Mom told me that there is a God, that Jesus Christ is real and that we are in a refinery now and everything we go through on earth is to learn and grow. That dream was so real I felt like I was with her. I had another dream on the weekend in which she told me that it's all going to be okay and that "You have a lot of friends in high places." I take that to mean heaven -- I guess so as so many of my relatives seem to have gone there! (When I told my 8 yr old son about that dream he said "Well it either means friends in heaven Mommie or you know a lot of mountain goats!" ha. What a kid, eh?) So I do believe my Mom is trying to communicate and that she knows I am frazzled right now. My son still sees her in the house (he has since a few days after she died), not as frequently as at first but he still get a shocked wide-eyed look (I know he's seeing her then) then he'll say "Mommie! Look there's Nana!" I say "Where?" and he'll tell me but unfortunately I can't see her but I don't doubt or discredit him. I am glad he can see her and that he tells me. According to him she's always smiling right at him and is never using a cane or walker. (He never knew her without a cane or walker so if he's hallucinating her rather than really seeing her spirit I would imagine that he would hallucinate her the way he was familiar with her -- ie- with a cane or walker. So I believe he's really seeing her.) I still sense her and smell her at times , especially if I am really upset. Have even felt her touch the top of my head like she used to if I was upset or sick. Anyway, I've gotten off topic here. I do believe God knows what I am going through right now and yes He no doubt knows I'll eventually get to Sunday service again. I do attend the adult study class on Wed nights and family movie night once a month so it's not like I've eliminated church from my life all together. Thanks to all. Love and hugs.

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It sounds like you and your mom were really,really close, and that she knew the Lord. My mom (still living) is also the one that brought the Lord into my life at a young age, and that is the best gift she could have ever given me. And you are passing that on to your son, and church is a good place for him to be, so you are doing the right thing by making sure he goes. My kids both love church, in fact my daughter got saved at a Billy Graham crusade when she was six years old (raised her hand all by herself).

I am sure that both God and your mom know you are having a hard time with attending Sundays right now, and they know you will go when you are ready, and that you are trying your best by still attending other services. That is the best you can do. And if you're not ready, you're just not ready, besides the fact that you are having major hot flashes!!! Take care and I'll be praying for you.

XOXO

Magdalyn

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