Premature Birth

[hollybaby02]

On October 19 of this year I lost my baby when I was 5 months pregnant. I was having what I thought was just a virus. I was having horrible stomach pains along with vomiting. It hurt so bad that I went to the hospital. After I was admitted I was told that I had to deliver right then or both of us were going to die. I had been developing HELLP syndrome which is a very rare form of preclampcia for 3 weeks. The next week of my life was pure hell. They had to induce laborthat night but my cervix was not dialating so they had to stick a balloon into my cervix and blow it up to make it dialate. As soon as the labor pains started I started to cry becuase I knew that was the last few minutes of my precious babies life. After she came which was at 3:51 the afternoon of October 19 I just held her little body until about 9:00 that night. The day after I delivered her the HELLP syndrome came back worse than ever. Long story short I had to spend 2 days in the ICU. They still didnt want to let me go so they put me in the womens ward for 2 days. That is my story of how I lost my baby.

Tabbi

[hollybaby02]

I am having a hard time knowing how I am suppose to feel. Sometimes I feel sad that I didnt have the time I wanted with my baby. Sometimes I am happy because I know she is in heaven and Jesus is taking care of her. Sometimes I dont feel anything at all when I look at her pictures and face. Mostly I feel angry at her father for not being there for us when we needed him. I am an emotional rollercoaster and I want to get off this ride! Tabbi

[gabrielle_land]

hollubaby02,

I'm very sorry for your loss, it must be a terrible moment for you. I pray God may give you the strength you need in order to go on. You little girl is a beautiful angel, and as you said the Lord is taking good care od her, and I'm sure she's looking upon her mommy too. May God give you peace and comfort. You are welcome here anytime you feel to express your feelings. I send you a big hug, blessings,

Gaby

[BeeMay]

Hi holly,

I am very sad for you. I have lost 3 babies in my time. I have 3 living children so I count my blesings. But I always remember that the 29th october should be a birthday in our family. This year that bay would be 21.....where have the years gone??? I also lost another baby at 15 weeks just days after telling an excited family that I was having baby number 3. Sadly I don't remember the due date of that one, but I have never forgotten, the feeling of loss at the time. Many things have changed since I lsot my babies. I was working in maternity a few years back and there was a lot of memory making at that time that wasn't available back when.... I hope the staff helped you and gave you some physical memory things to take home, things like a photo, foot and handprints, name card etc all make a difference.To many people the idea of miscarraige is that its over quickly and you get back to normal, but it's truly not like that. talk to whoever will lsiten, I found that it helped, make my baby "real" In australia 500g or 20 weeks means you need to have a funeral, and while many people find this daunting, many women like to have aq place that is a memorial to their baby, a palce to put tresures and floweres etc. If this was not possible for you, then may I suggest planting a favourite, tree or flower and naming it for your baby, make it your special spot. I Know many women who have done this and said it helped them.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today, and that your partner is being more understanding.You are in my prayers.

kind regards

Bernadette

[MartyT]

Tabbi, dear,

We're all so very sorry to learn that your precious baby daughter died, and you have our deepest sympathy. This is a significant loss that is worthy of grief and mourning, and you deserve all the understanding, comfort, and support you can find at this sad and difficult time.

The topic of miscarriage has been discussed many times here, and I hope you'll take some time to browse through the many messages posted in this forum. See, for example,

Lost My Baby

I've also recently read (and highly recommend) a lovely book by Lorraine Ash that I think you might find comforting. If you click on this link, you can read Amazon's description and reviews:

Life Touches Life: A Mother's Story of Stillbirth and Healing

Please see also the Death of an Infant, Child, Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site for links to dozens of other helpful resources.

[hollybaby02]

its me again. I am having a really hard time with the 'after the holidays blues'. I have been sick with pregnancy complications up til now but now that I am better I have been missing her so much. I hate this, I keep asking God why He took my baby and didnt take me as well. I'm not suicidal or anything I just want to be in Heaven with her. Why me, why do I have to suffer this way. I thought I was getting over that time and I was going on with my life. Nobody wants to hear about my pain anymore. They tell me things like 'its time to move on' or 'just smile'. Stupid people who have no idea what I'm going through giving me stupid advice. Like its sooo easy to just forget about it and move on. Thank you for listening to me vent!

Tabbi

[BeeMay]

Hi, again.

This is the best place to vent.The people here are lovely,understanding and kind, and they're all working their way through their own "stuff" I find that remarkable in itself.

Some people are uncomfortable with others pain and don't know how to deal and hence the "smile" "chin up" comments.they fail to realise that it hasn't been whirlwind,quick experience for you, but because of your pregnancy complications, that in itself has made your feelings more intense and longer lasting,than perhaps it might be for other women.

Now that you're body is "better" your feelings are now once again on your baby, that is normal. It will take a while for you to stop being caught "unawares" and suddenly realising you are in tears.This is all normal.You have lost something enormous in your life,present and future and someone saying smile etc isn't going to do it for you.

I promise you it will get easier, you will always think of your baby, but it will get easier.

Keep coming back here from time to time, it really does help.