Confused Over Stuff

[LoriW]

Hi All,

Well my Dad came back from his visit to physically meet his new lady friend. My brother and his wife met her as well as their children and they said she was very nice. It was just a bit awkward to see our Dad in a different way.

I did speak to her on the phone one evening when he was there, my Dad put her on. We had a quick pleasant conversation about our pets. She even sent my daughters some treats in the mail. I see what my Dad misses....that "special homey touch" so many women provide.

Anyway, he has take quite a bit of advice from her on how to do things etc..etc...but, here is the best part. My Dad calls me up one day and asks what I am doing for Easter. I told him I didn't know. How would you like an all expense paid trip to spend Easter with him, his new friend, her children and my brother and family. My other brother cannot go. He wants to get a rental cottage that the two of them are going to split the cost and he wants to fly me and my family out there because we would have to travel the farthest.

This trip would be a total of 3 days together. Part of me says I don't want to go...the other part tells me to go because if I don't want my Dad will be hurt. I can see going if he is going to announce getting engaged or something but I can't see going if they are not.

The other thing that is getting to me is that he will not tell my Mother's family. My Mom had been hurt by some stuff my Grandmother had said and things she did...but they were still speaking...and my Dad is just bitter of this. My brother and I think he should tell them and he told us that they don't need to know his business. Now, he has told a lie on top of a lie about where he was at Thanksgiving. Then he's kind of us had him cover for him. I don't know why he won't tell, he has nothing to be ashamed of and I really don't think that they are going to care. It just puts me and my brother in a bad position when we speak to them or see them.

You know, just a little over a year ago I would've told someone they were crazy had they told me this was going to happen. I just can't believe it. I guess I am confused and needed to vent.

Thanks for listening as always.

Lori

[shell]

Lori,

What a mess! People can sure complicate things, can't they? I would suggest that you tell your dad that you aren't going to hide any of this anymore around your moms family, so that you and your brother can get out of the middle. You just have to do what you feel is right, but remember to do what's right for YOU, too. Hope it all works out ok.

Hugs,

Shell

[lorikelly]

Lori

If you can go, it is early though to make a decision. maybe wait til after the new yr to really deciede tell dad this and be honest. How far do you have to travel? can the plans wait til after then?

Maybe your dad just can't bring himself to tell your moms family. Even though he may say he is mad at them maybe thats his way of dealing with it. for him it maybe easier to say this , then i miss your mom and am afraid to tell them b/c they may not understand. even though he has found this new lady does not mean he doesn't miss or love your mom. maybe it is his only way of coping. i don't think i would be like that but we don't know how we will react. i also think older men need someone in thier lives. best of luck to you. lori

[LoriW]

Shell,

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. My husband said the same thing basically. You know, I feel that loyalty to my Dad and yet he makes me feel so awkward with my Mom's family. You're right. I need to just talk to him and tell him if they ask me questions I am not going to lie any more.

I never thought I would be going through this kind of a thing. It amazes me.

Thanks as always. You are a great member of this board.

Lori,

I imagine he wants my decision shortly. I go back and forth. This trip is all the way across the US on the Atlantic coast. Far for me....however, I keep saying..."it's only 3 days" and it is. However, there is something in me that says "why go?"...I just can't explain "that something". Strange.

I told my Dad that him telling my Mom's family is better than them hearing it from anyone else and that it would look much better if he told them well before he became engaged or married. I asked him if he felt guilty for some reason and his answer was no. I know that he could just be saying that. I am sure it is hard to tell your in-laws after your spouse has died that they are seeing someone else.

I definitely think my Dad is one of those men who needs someone. My parents were married for 44 years. My Mom did not "boss" my Dad around but he definitely was used to have some kind of structure from her. Now that is all gone. I also think he misses the "homeiness" that a woman often provides. I think he felt that when he was visiting his new lady friend. Ultimately, I want him to be happy.

Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it.

Lori

[BeeMay]

Hi Lori,

I'm with you.It's damn hard to cope with isn't it?It's so confusing. My Dad has dragged his girlfriend to my mum sisters,so they are all up in arms and want to have nothing to do with him, they feel he's dishonoured mum by not waiting a while. He's as happy as a clam at the moment and can't see what all the fuss is about. He basically told me, he has to think of himself now. Putting mums headstone in place seemed to be a finality for him and he basically said to me, mums gone and not coming back and he has to think of himself now. He is spending xmas with his lady frined and not one of us girls, not sure how I feel about this, but If he's not around I don't have to deal with it I guess.

regards

Bee

[LoriW]

Bee,

I think you and I are living the same scenario just in different hemispheres. That's what's good about this site. I talk to friends at work...some say: "you should be happy for him." My friends definitely sympathize with me and so does my husband. You know and I know we want our fathers to be happy...and I know they are sad about our moms but we can't go find another mom.

You know, I like to think that I would have felt better about all of this had it been a few years down the line...but it's not and I guess this is why I am having all this confusion. I don't feel like if I go on this Easter trip I am dishonoring my Mom in any way. I just feel awkward because I would be staying in a large beach house with people I have never met. I know my Dad has met these people but I haven't...and I am getting the strange vibes that we should now all be this BIG happy blended family. Well, the youngest out of all 6 kids between them is 37! If they marry (and I suspect they will) we will not be a family.

Bee, I just find this all so hard to digest sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't effect me, like when I am going about my regular day but then when I speak to my Dad I am listening to it again. I know what's going to happen...I can see it begin to play out. They'll be engaged shortly and then he will sell the house and move and they will marry.

I am just learning to take it one step at a time. I may not like those steps but what can I do about it? I am trying to hang in there...just like you.

Thanks for sharing with me.

Lori

[BeeMay]

Hi Lori,

I'm glad I have someone to go through this with,sort of,LOL, don't want to wish it on anyone LOL, my sister and I keep in touch about it,too.

Had me a cry this morning, got my xmas card from Dad. Not mums writing.........hit's home doesn't it? To top it off, Dad didn't write it out either, by the look of it,at least they were sensitive enough not to just write Tom and Margaret, but Margaret Judith.

Still hits hard though.

I know what you mean about the blended family.......I just don't want to go there,really, I'm too old for that LOL Just because he wants to like them all, doesn't mean I have to,not sure what I'm getting at here, but I feel like its being handed to me........here,have this, and I just have to accept it and go on like its all normal.Again like you, I want my dad to be happy, but I don't have to like her........or want to like her, be friends pally pally.........do I?

Dad rang me the other night, I had spoken to my cousin(mums niece she went to school with) who went up to stay with them for two weeks.She had a terrible time, feeling like the third wheel, Dad didn't seem interested in taking her anywhere, just him and "betty" (cant call her Margaret)So I had all this negative stuff in my head from her and mums 2 sisters, and somehow dad knew.So he basically told me he was doing nothing wrong, mum was dead and not coming back and he had to think of himself now(theres the rub,but another story LOL)

He told me hes had phone calls and letters form mums sisters who have chosen not to have him visit anymore. I don't think he understands everyone is still grieving.It seems like yesterday mum died to us, where to dad the days are endless and it seems like forever already.

you know I worked out a time line for dads endless loneliness though....................

mum died 10 jan.

3weeks after funeral and everyone gone home, could stand it and left for Sydney........

back in may. home 3 weeks

back to Sydney for uncles 100th........

july back home

sometime during the next few weeks writes to catholic weekly and starts letter wriitng after waiting a few weeks for reply.

then phone calls to "betty"

meets "betty" mid september, stays 2 weeks

they both return to dads and have been inseparable.

oct decide to get married

november went halves in caravan

and they are spending xmas together at her place.

Have set the date for April to get married(because you can't get married during lent)

since father day I have spoken to him about 3 times, I never know where he is to ring him, I don't have bettys number or mobile.He hasn't rung Lisa )my sister) for 7 weeks now........he must know he's going to cop a serve!!!

He also told me I can choose to believe mums side or his,that she is a lovely lady and he has not gone nuts ,oh, she has more money than him,(presumably he means shes not after his money)He asked me what my problem was, and I said, marrying so soon.Her company,spending all their time together doesn't worry me,told him from the beginning I was happy, it's the getting married bit.....

I didn't want my mum to die, thats complicated everything in my head enough, but just adding someone new to the mix....just like that,.has just done my head in. Ahh I sound selfish now.BAH!

I just read your note again...........You hit it on the head .......He can replace a wife, but we can't replace our mum!!!

Maybe I'll say that to him next time he rings, which I'd say will be xmas day.

ohhhh I've rambled on today LOL

Thanks for listening

hang in there

regards and big hug (((((((((((((lori))))))))

Bernadette

[LoriW]

Bernadette,

Thanks for sharing with me your situation. Like you, I am just finding this whole entire thing just different. I am glad I have this site and I am glad at least I can speak of this with my one brother. The other doesn't know a whole lot about the situation due to circumstances.

Thanks for being there and hugs to you too as learn to live this new life. I will keep you posted.

Lori