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Opinions Needed!


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Though I seldom post, I've been reading the discussions for the last nine months since the death of my husband and have found immeasurable help from them.

Now I am in need of others thoughts and suggestions. I'll try to keep it brief but might not be able to since I'll have to provide a little background.

My adult granddaughter and her husband are thinking of moving thousands of miles away with their three year old son; our first and only great grandchild and the joy of my life.

Caring for her and her sister after our oldest daughter, (their mother) died and their dad deserted them was the driving force that helped us get through that tragic loss. We've always been exceptionally close and getting through that heartbreaking time brought us even closer.

She's brought up the idea of moving before and my husband and I told her that she should do what's best for her family and not worry about us. At the same time we told her that; we were secretly hoping that their plans would fall through as we would have missed them terribly.

This time the prospect of them moving is a very real one. We had a long talk this weekend discussing the pros and cons of the move; but very little about the emotions involved. As we parted, I told her I would be devastated if they moved, but I understand that she has to do what's best for them.

After that discussion I had a startling revelation and felt like I'd been hit with a 2X4. Emotionally I'm a basket case including physical symptoms of extreme anxiety.

Here's my revelation. Their leaving at this time would be just as devastating to me as the death of my husband. I have accepted the fact that he is gone and there is no hope of my ever seeing him again. Their loss would be entirely different. I can't travel and they won't have the money to return for visits. Knowing that they are alive but I'll never see them again or ever be a part of their lives other than through phone conversations is absolutely unbearable.

If I asked her not to go, she would stay. Do I have the right or obligation to tell her how I feel and place this unnecessary burden on her? Or would it be an extremely selfish move on my part?

The only reason they're thinking of leaving is not because of a better job offer or greater opportunities, but simply because they think their problems will be solved if they get a fresh start somewhere else.

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I would definitely talk with them about your feelings. While you may not be able to ask them not to move, perhaps you could both brainstorm a solution? As close as you feel to them and as strongly as you feel about how this will affect you, perhaps you should consider moving with them. I know it would be unsettling for you at first, but it's a decision only you can make. Life brings changes, unwanted and otherwise, and sometimes we need to choose between two choices we don't relish but sometimes we're surprised at a positive outcome after all. I wish you a positive future.

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Tori,

I am sorry you are going through such a stressful time. I have a little grandson and I know if my son talked about moving far away I would be devastated. Seeing my grandson, who is almost a year old, is the one thing that made me happy through these months after the loss of my husband. At times he is the only one who could make me smile and feel any happiness at all.

If it were me, I would definitely tell her how I was feeling and give her the advise that your troubles follow you wherever you go. To get a fresh start you need to face your troubles head on and deal with them, as hard as it might be. Then, once you deal with the issues and they are done, you can start anew. Hopefully, learning from every experience by dealing with it and taking control. I truly don't believe relocating is the answer to starting over.

One of my brothers did the exact same thing. He and his wife and two children, sold everything they had and move thousands of miles away. They had money problems amoung other problems and thought they were going to a better place to start over. Within a year, they came back because the money problems followed them, there were no better opportunites where they moved to or anywhere. They learned a very hard lesson. They came back with very little and had to start all over again. The stress was too much and now they are separated. I don't think they will every get back together. Very sad.

I hope the best for you and for your family. Please let us know how things go.

I care!

Terry

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