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Another Setback....


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So..I feel like I could just hole up and cry. We had our annual inventory Monday and it was a longer..much longer day than expected. I had Jeff’s aunt Sis here to take care of Rory. She arrived Sunday night due to the weather. I explained to her the unpredictability of the day..last year I left at 10pm. Rory was still getting over the flu and I wasn’t sure how he would feel. Well..the day got longer and I kept in touch as often as possible. Around 5pm..I told her I wasn’t sure what time I would leave and did she want me to try to get someone to take over? She said if I wasn’t getting home by 7ish it was really getting too late(she was mad I wasn’t there yet). And Rory wouldn’t eat dinner…I wonder why. Well..I couldn’t get anyone. my good friend and main babysitter never called me back (after leaving a desperate message, she still hasn’t returned the call) and I finally got my daycare person's daughter to come over after I broke down crying on the phone because I felt so trapped. I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t find anyone to take care of Rory. I couldn’t believe I lost control at work…and I felt so sad that she was angry. She actually called the store and asked one of my associates who was going to pick up Rory, he was still awake. It has taught me that I cannot rely on anyone here. Situations like this are rare, but they do happen. I cannot dedicate myself to the business with the inability to dedicate the extra time retail requires.

I came down with the flu Tuesday morning. It came on fast and is still debilitating. I know my staff understands, but there is work to be done and I did have to be out two days last week due to Rory’s ear infection and leave early one day due to his flu. I was all alone and needed to have Tiffany come over to help me with Rory between daycare and bed. Today, I took him to daycare and have slept a lot and am beginning to feel better. Then, I am scheduled to be off tomorrow, but feel guilty not going in to finish a few things that need to be attended to…and Rory hasn’t had my time at all either. He is just beginning separation anxiety and it kills me.

I was sipping some soup and sitting in my living room having an anxiety attack. I am truly all alone with a baby that has just me. My friends that are here are so good, but they do what they have to do when I ask. They are like many people we all know…do enough to get by. I can’t do this and I am so scared of not being able to sell the house and make enough money to move myself back home- a place I don’t want to be (other than the great family support). As much as I tell myself it isn’t, leaving here is still leaving Jeff. I can’t do that yet.

It is like this chain of events is leading me to feel so sad again and I was just beginning to feel a little hopeful. As these events unfolded the last few days, it was almost like my spiral downwards that plunges me deep into grief again. When will this stop.

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Jenn, I unfortunately don't have any words to make you feel better but I just wanted to send you a huge hug. Being sick just makes everything else in your life seem horrible. I am so sorry you have hit another rough time but I have faith you will make it through, even if you feel so overwhelmed right now. Many hugs, Kelly

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Jenn,

I am sorry you are sick...I am too. I had a temperature of nearly 103, aches, chills, tiredness, you name it and now it's all just settled into one big dandy head cold...and of course I still have to travel 100 miles per day to/from work. Ugh! You have the additional burden and joy of raising a child...it's hard to keep working AND try to meet a child's needs. Many pats on the back for doing your best, I know it's hard!

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Jenn,

I truely understand. I know it is hard. I get mad because I am totally responsible for my son. That may sound bad to someone who doesnt know how we feel. Sure I have family and friends around me to help, but at the end of the day if I had to depend on someone who had previous obligations or something it is only me. My son and I just got over a cold and I had to tale a day off of work too. I spent some time crying today too which I havnt been doing as often. I pictured how much easier things would be if Jason were here. I know how you feel about people doing what they feel they have to do when you ask. No one else in the world is obligated to our children but us. It is hard but one thing I have realized is you have bad days and good days. I try to think (try is the key word) on bad days it has to get easier or something has to give. I hope this has helped in someway. I get tearful just reading what you wrote because it sounds like me. I hope things get easier for you. Take care and I hope you and your son feel better soon.

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