JennO

Hi there...I remember all of you as we were freshly grieving way back when. It's been 5.5 years since I lost Jeff and although I don't read here as much as I used to, I do pop in and check in from time to time. I don't think that our loss decreases with time, we just find better ways to get through the days. I have a small child, just three weeks old when Jeff died and now 5.5 years old. IT has certainly been my distraction, my focus, and my reminder of all that was good in his dad. I, too, was engaged, pregnant, and lost both of those just two years after Jeff died. It was traumatic, almost as traumatic as Jeff's death, because it was reliving that loss all over again. I don't know if I will ever "recover" from this. I am young, I am willing, but the grief strikes me some days just as strongly as it did when it was new. We can't manage this process and its so different froor everyone. I think you, my dear, need to be patient. This isn' a problem to fix. It si a process to go through, one which you can't be the driver of. I hope you have a better tday today and more good days to come. Lots of love and hugs. Jenn

Derek...you were also new and fresh here with me three years ago. I hope you endured your "sadiversary" and also took time to celebrate the wonderfulness of Karen and, of course, what the two of you produced in Carson. I know that having a young child can be a blessing and a curse, but think of the strength our children will have from walking this difficult road with us... Love to both of you. Jenn

I think if I had just one more hour, I would sit in our living room with our son and relish that time together. We only had three weeks after he was born and none of it was without (loving but always there) family. I crave that feeling of family that I will never have and barely had a chance to savor. To sit on the couch snuggled in his arms holding our baby as an infant or watching his favorite movie now (at 3yrs old) would be simply heaven. It's the little things that hurt the most still now. I love the little things and try to remind myself to cherish those every chance I get. Thanks for bringing this up....this is one kind of hurt that no one else but you guys understand and although the intensity lessens, will never ever go away. I have found after three years that thinking of things such as this are happy sad moments....

Hi everyone..it has been quite a while since I posted but I often check in to see what everyone has to say...I am three years, one month since my husband Jeff died. This Thanksgiving I couldn't stop thinking of him..what his favorite things were, what he would say as part of the conversations. I am lucky. I have a large family that was all together this holiday and I had our three year old son with me too. But what I have learned from this experience of grief is that I have little control over what will precipitate the tirade of grief and loss and loneliness, even amongst people that I love. I will never have him back and Rory will never have his dad. Even after all that..I made it through the day. Another landmark. Another success. Another day to cherish my memories of him and see him through our son. I have learned to give in to the sadness and not try to push it away, even though many people wonder why I still talk about him so much-I see their looks- I know that they think I should be moving on. So..I had a good cry as I snuggled with our son at bedtime and remembered what great holidays were like with the love of my life.

KayC... I haven't posted in a very long time but remember when we were all freshly grieving on this site together. I just wanted to let you know that you are one of the rarest kind of people out there in the world and you deserve better than to be treated like this. Try hard as you can to put aside the "can I make this work" thoughts and know you have to stand up for what is right and what you deserve..THE BEST! I sadly was also in a realtionship and had to end it for myself. I share that because after I did this, I have been going through a period of grieving very much like losing my husband..although it was the loss of what could have been with a new life with a new husband and family. You are so very strong and always know all those that are here to support you. Jenn

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice. At 18mths since Jeff died, my new normal is here. I am beginning to find myself very lonely. Not the...gosh, I need to get out and be social lonely...but the ...I am a single parent with a busy work schedule(and I have a retail schedule..so that means not very many weekends off witht the rest of the world!) and little time for social interaction lonely. My friends are all married and don't long for the adult companionship I now do. I seem to be making all the efforts. I have sought out a few new friends that didn't know me before Jeff died, but the same busy life applies to them and they don't seem to need the adult companionship I am longing for. Anyone else faced with this and have any suggestions? I am finding myself getting very sad and trying to not become depressed.

Walt...my softest hugs to you this week as you embark on a barage of memories. Jenn

Deborah, I thank you for sharing your feelings..never feel sorry about sharing. With this grief thing..you are bound to find someone to commiserate with or find some solace from....at least we can commiserate! It has been so quiet on the site and I too have felt the emptiness of live moving on. I stopped getting emails from another site I visited and I think by avoiding this site and the other...I was hoping I would begin to get better. But this grief thing just railroads you and I have never had something take such a total hold of every part of me. It does not make sense, I feel some days like it will never get better, and I never trust my own judgement anymore. Calgon...take me away.

Deborah... I am in the same boat this week. Seventeen months last week and I am angry at not only my life as I don't want it to be, but the people in it. It is a dangerous place for our hearts..this grief...but I am finding it is an unpredictable path and trying not to make drastic changes while feeling this way. For me, with a toddler, life is lonely. I work an odd schedule, so I am usually not off work every weekend like most other people. I have been doing some special projects at work and have had a few weekends off in the last two months. This weekend, everyone had plans and I had none. I was sad, mad, and then resigned to sitting by myself at night..maybe it is what I needed to do. And..it was..I cried a lot..something I hadn't been doing regularly lately. I also had some great fun with my little guy. BUT....what I had decided to do a few months ago is broaden my social circle. I was reaching out to two new friends that didn't know me before, as Jeff's wife. And...both of them have not been the greatest, cancelling plans, not calling me back for a week, etc.... And I am angry today. Angry that I am choosing to stay in this house that I can't afford to finish healing before I feel like I can move on. The truth is, move on for me would be to find someone to love here and stay in this little house I love or move back to my family, 900 miles away. And I am angry that i feel like I spend a few weeks/months like I can move thorugh life, then fall off this cliff and not be able to control my anger, frustration, and deep deep sadness. I think, as you, sometimes moving furniture is too much. And then, finishing some projects we started together is of utmost importance. Today, I feel like I am failing grief and failing as a person. Tomorrow, I may feel differently. I don't know if this is helpful, but I am comforted that you shared your emotion and know that I share your sentiments...Jenn

So..I feel like I could just hole up and cry. We had our annual inventory Monday and it was a longer..much longer day than expected. I had Jeff’s aunt Sis here to take care of Rory. She arrived Sunday night due to the weather. I explained to her the unpredictability of the day..last year I left at 10pm. Rory was still getting over the flu and I wasn’t sure how he would feel. Well..the day got longer and I kept in touch as often as possible. Around 5pm..I told her I wasn’t sure what time I would leave and did she want me to try to get someone to take over? She said if I wasn’t getting home by 7ish it was really getting too late(she was mad I wasn’t there yet). And Rory wouldn’t eat dinner…I wonder why. Well..I couldn’t get anyone. my good friend and main babysitter never called me back (after leaving a desperate message, she still hasn’t returned the call) and I finally got my daycare person's daughter to come over after I broke down crying on the phone because I felt so trapped. I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t find anyone to take care of Rory. I couldn’t believe I lost control at work…and I felt so sad that she was angry. She actually called the store and asked one of my associates who was going to pick up Rory, he was still awake. It has taught me that I cannot rely on anyone here. Situations like this are rare, but they do happen. I cannot dedicate myself to the business with the inability to dedicate the extra time retail requires. I came down with the flu Tuesday morning. It came on fast and is still debilitating. I know my staff understands, but there is work to be done and I did have to be out two days last week due to Rory’s ear infection and leave early one day due to his flu. I was all alone and needed to have Tiffany come over to help me with Rory between daycare and bed. Today, I took him to daycare and have slept a lot and am beginning to feel better. Then, I am scheduled to be off tomorrow, but feel guilty not going in to finish a few things that need to be attended to…and Rory hasn’t had my time at all either. He is just beginning separation anxiety and it kills me. I was sipping some soup and sitting in my living room having an anxiety attack. I am truly all alone with a baby that has just me. My friends that are here are so good, but they do what they have to do when I ask. They are like many people we all know…do enough to get by. I can’t do this and I am so scared of not being able to sell the house and make enough money to move myself back home- a place I don’t want to be (other than the great family support). As much as I tell myself it isn’t, leaving here is still leaving Jeff. I can’t do that yet. It is like this chain of events is leading me to feel so sad again and I was just beginning to feel a little hopeful. As these events unfolded the last few days, it was almost like my spiral downwards that plunges me deep into grief again. When will this stop.

WOW. It was the right day for me to read this. Thank you Marty. I think at 14mths since my husband Jeff's death, I have passed the initial intellectual/emotional fusing of his loss and am beginning to move on. I did deal with a medical issue and wonder what pieces of it can be related back to my grief..I was six months out and I think that between 7-9 mths were the hardest for me. That is when I lost all ambition to do anything and wondered what would happen to me. I thank you for your pearls of wisdom!

I have also spent a considerable amount of time dwelling on this. I am 14mths out and don't want to replace Jeff, but I desperately want companionship, someone to talk through things with in a more intimate way, and then...I want more babies. So many of us here are so young and I am right now grieving the loss of the potential for more babies with Jeff and a traditional family life. I have spent the last several days so angry that Jeff isn't here to share things with, to spend a boring New Year's Eve with, to care as much as I do about every little thing Rory does, angry that Rory spent 30 hrs with my good friends because of work and he should have been home with his dad. They care so very much and so very well for him, but they aren't his dad. Sorry to veer off course, but I think, Derek, it is natural for you to want to share yourself and your life with someone. I think I thought about it around 11 mths..but I think I am more ready now. BUT, I think what we all have to consider is that feeling might change with the first few people we meet...they might not be the right fit and, although we aren't seekign to replace our spouses, the level of companionship and intimacy we had with our spouses developed over time and won't be found right away. Or, you may find you really aren't ready or...find the second love of your life! I wish you luck on your journey and be gentle with yourself!

Nice job...I actually think the pictures have helped me remember great times and wonderful memories. They usually don't make me sad...and our wedding video is always a great thing to watch. Such a happy day! I hope your video helps you remember the good stuff...

well..it has been nearly a week or two and I have decided I am having my engagement ring sized to fit my right hand. I don't need to wear it, but I want to. For me, my wedding band is sacred and will remain as is with our inscription untouched. Funny enough, the inscription reads...forever and a day. Jeff's band is inscribed with ...more than O2(oxygen).. I had to attend a christmas party at my son's daycare. It is an inhome daycare that is much more like family than daycare. I am surprised to say about halfway through, I just wanted to crawl under the carpet. The other four parents were there as couples with their kids. Everyone was talking about how excited the kids were and they were about the holiday and the time with family. It struck me that I am not and I haven't enjoyed the holiday, but I didn't realize I wasn't participating. Sure, I had Rory's picture taken with Santa, we have our tree up and the house decorated, but I am working so much I haven't really enjoyed anything. I am not shopping much since I have chosen to make a donation to a local charity in lieu of gifts, but I am struck by my deep sadness that has just been sitting there...in the background...not aware of it really. Last night Rory knocked over and broke into about ten pieces a ceramic Christmas tree. Well, one of the branches of that tree held my engagement ring when Jeff proposed seven years ago. I held it together and didn't yell at him...a friend was here....and figured I would fix it. He's fifteen months old..he didn't realize what he was doing. What it has unleashed is an awful sadness since then. How unexpected this is...

It is interesting how much we change during this process. I felt different today without my ring. There is a serious indent on my finger from both my rings and I replaced that space with a ring I had made last Christmas for all of my sisters and I. It has a ribbon of stones around it..rubies (Jeff's birthstone) sapphires (our son's and my birthstone) and diamonds (just because they are so pretty) It felt weird looking down at it today at work. However, in a small way...it was a step of moving on. I too, Derek, plan to wear my engagement ring on my right hand, but since I am right handed, I have to have it enlarged a bit. But today it was ok to be without it. I cleaned it well last night and place both rings in my jewelry box . I kept going back and looking at it before bed..and even got out of bed to just look at them. Weird...but I needed to do it. Tonite I was talking to my mom and I told her I removed the rings...I don't think this one will be a broadcast message however. I am also struggling with my house and what to do..I am having a lot of trouble affording it. I realized as I was talking to her today, that I am just not ready to get rid of it yet. I am hoping my mortgage company will help me reduce my payments for a while and I am looking for a roommate. Even if that means six more months. Maybe I will be ready then. I have always been a focused, driven and successful person. This experience, although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, is teaching me to be patient with myself. I am allowing myself to just be and not rush into the next big decision. I so appreciate all your comments. I have been quiet for a while and have been reading all your posts...it was time for me to observe and not talk...but please know I am always thinking of all of you. Something I heard tonite too....this holiday I have chosen to adopt a family to provide Christmas for them. I don't have thousands, but what I do have, I am going to provide a good meal and a few presents. We have all have a rough year and I am hoping that giving will help me realize I do have blessings...most especially my precious little boy I am able to come home to every day! Have a good night everyone..

Hi Everyone...I don't why today, but tonite I took off my wedding band and engagement ring. I love them and my wedding band had both our birthstones in it...such a reminder of love. I feel a little shocked by my sudden desire to take them off, but it felt right. At fourteen months into my grief process, I am constantly amazed at how few things I understand...my reactions, some of my emotions, some of my decisions...and how out of character so many of these things are for me. Today marked seven years to the day that Jeff proposed and on my way to work today, the airport that Jeff used to work at had a sign posted and a small airplane promoting a new flight school. Funny...that airplane was the one Jeff refurbished over ten years ago at that very same airport for that very same flight school owner...but with another company... Weird how it all happens.

We have a unique group of new moms with infants at our time of loss on this site. I think that we often put off pieces of our grief because we need to function for our babies. I went back to work after three months because it was the end of my leave and I needed to work. I am certainly not in nursing, but I am in charge of a large staff and the need to think quick, multi task, and be friendly and inspiring to my team was difficult. I had a wonderful group of people at work that understood my state of mind and supported me when they could. I wonder Chrissy if this might be good for you in a sense...you are focused on helping others and seeing how lucky you are to have a piece of Jason with you forever. I hope you find your groove and please don't resist those days that you just need to feel sad. The harder I fought to keep it at bay at work, the harder it was to be a good mom when I was at home. Find a place to gather yourself and know that these moments will happen. Lots of love and luck as we begin this new chapter in your journey. Jenn

Awww..shucks. We so often forget how profound children can be. They see and feel so much more than we could ever realize. The words he choose are no doubt a result of the kind and gentle parents who have raised him well. Kudos to you and Karen.. Merry Christmas it is...

I've been trying to think of something poetic to share, but I feel the same and can't seem to find any encouragement for us! I have heard a few people comment that finding new friends that don't relate you to your significant other can be more fun than being around people that can sometimes just feel sad to look at you and know what you have lost. Happy Saturday night to us..I am giving myself a facial!

Derek, Thank gosh you resurfaced...as you can see, we were all concerned for you. I think I went through the exact same thing not too long ago. My perception is that it is our body/emotional subconscious is telling us to keep busy cuz we aren't prepared to deal with the real emotions. It is about 7 mths isn't it? I think I nearly fell apart at 6-9 mths..but not in the way you think. I couldn't cry, I couldn't stop going or watching TV/using the computer because I was afraid what I would feel, I talked about Jeff, but distanced my emotions from the words (like a good memory kind of conversation. I found that forcing myself to clean the house, or go out with a friend, take a walk, etc....helped me spark a new attitude on those particularly hard days. My friend, we have only just begun this awful journey into widowhood. I think many of us really resist being gentle with ourselves...myself included. I find myself really disconnecting from this site and other grief support when I am beginnning the downward spiral. I am glad you found your way back and hope today is a little better for you...

Lori, After reading your post, a few memories surfaced for me. My husband has been gone one year, one month. He had hemophilia and due to that, had arthritis, hypertension, lost a leg due to a knee replacement that turned septic (infected), and was struggling with both prescription pain med and alcohol addictions. (After reading that, it sounds much worse than it really seemed to be...) He lost his leg in 1996 and it killed him. The physcial ramifications of using a prosthetic, not being able to due to his arthritis in his remaining knee, pain that could not be controlled, etc...But it killed his spirit. We met in 1999, fell in love, marrying in 2001. What I found out was that he had been very depressed, as we can all imagine, after his amputation and had thought about suicide. What I also found out was that he came alive again when we met and did very well for the first few years, then began battling his addictions..sometimes it was very difficult, sometimes not an issue at all. I got so mad at times I couldn't believe I could ever feel that strongly, that fiercely, or say some of the things I said. I can't take them back, but I know they came from wanting him to be healthy, happy, and free from the gut wrenching pain I saw him and you saw mom endure, as Chrissy watched Jason experience. I think back to the night before Jeff died (it was Sweetest Day..a midwest thing I am told) and we had the perfect date day..beautiful roses he gave me, great dinner, and movie out...That night when we returned home, I was so anxious, irritable, and frustrated for what reason I didn't know..I just didn't feel right. He died the next day. I am sure deep down, I knew. I knew that I had fought to keep him alive and he probably lived seven years longer than he would have if we hadn't met. Our son, who was three weeks old when his dad died, would not be here. Lives would have been changed. I am positive your mom touched your life and other's lives during her 18mth fight..she was here for a reason for that long and you made it according to her wishes..at home. You did good girl. Frustration is inevitable. I choose not to allow my regrets of those bad moments cloud a love story full of great memories and I will never make that my focus when I talk about my love, my Jeff. As hard as it is, know you have a choice how to remember your mom. Remember those moments you did share and the peace you gave her. You should be proud . Jenn

Hi everyone..haven't posted or visited in awhile. I have been sad, mad, busy, and trying to avoid the reality of what we have all experiences. Not sure I will be able to anymore. I talked about this before, but I will explain why my world is crumbing. I am looking for suggestions, directions, support, whatever anyone is thinking. I finally called the mortgage company to let them know Jeff died (one year later) They are willing to work with me a bit, but need up front money to begin a repayment and potential refinance. I don't have it. I am not making enough money to support my lifestyle (which isn't lavish by any means) so I will probably have to sell my house or abandon it (the mortgage is in his name only, so I am not liable) I cannot fathom moving back home (800miles) to my family. I don't want to, I won't emotionally be able to withstand living with them. I don't have a job there and can't imagine what this economy will provide jobwise. I will have to leave the town Jeff grew up in, the house we built together just two years ago, the house our son came home to for the first time, and the friends he called his family for 23 years..I can't take it. I don't want to. I can't find a solution and I don't have any family with $$. I am exasperated, I am sad, I am lost and so very alone. just reread that without realized all the spelling errors. I am usually a good speller!

Karen, I am sure you have been told this.....but I caution you to think about taking some time for you. You cannot be a caretaker to anyone and be a mother without a focus on taking care of the basics. Even if it is an afternoon with your son, you owe it to him in order to teach him how you can take care of each other. He is watching what you do as a marker of what behavior is ok and will learn from your dedication to your grandmother that taking time away is important for you to be useful while you are there tending to her needs. Life is so tragically short and your son's life will pass quickly before you know it he will be all grown up...... Much rest to you...... Jenn

Laurie...this is still so very new for you. I promise you life will never be the same, but you will, at some point, feel like laughing and playing with your kids and even enjoy a night out with friends. But don't expect yourself to feel any differently than you do right now..it is where you are at. Let yourself adjust to this new normal and maybe take some time off work if you can. I know I couldn't do that, but time just to be may help you garner your strength and bolster your spirit just a little bit. Hugs to you and the kids... Jenn

Chrissy, I do remember vividly feeling as you do and I think I sometimes do. I know Jeff died, I remember all the events of the last year, but sometimes I think it isn't real. There has got to be a name for this...could this still be shock?