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Hi everybody, I haven't been around for some time. Uni has kept me very busy lately. I guess it is a good think somehow. Valentines day just passed and just made things so awkward, sad and nostalgic. I have spent my time reading letters from Chris, I have spent time missing him ass always. For some reason I haven't been able to sleep god enough since like a month ago or probably a little more. I have nightmares. It's weird I havent had this kind of dreams before until now, and they are very constant. I dream I'm looking for him, desperately looking for him, and I have no idea he has passed away, until a friend or somebody around stops by and "reminds me" of the truth, and as if I listen to it for the first time I cry like a baby, and that's how my days begin, with the saddest moment of my life repeating all over again. As I type this I cry, almost 8 months have passed by and still the pain is so fresh, and love is still so fresh too..I'm stil so in love. Well, I guess you all understand what I'm feeling, and valentines day makes us all even more sensitive. Well, thanks for reading, hugs to everybody and many blessings,

Gaby

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I feel the pain in your words, and I am sorry that you are having a rough time right now, I was surprised at how hard Valentines day actually was, I know I was a wreck. I know about the dreams you are talking about I have had them too, and they seem so real!!, I've had them where I have been going on a trip or something but I know that Trevor is somewhere around so I stopped the trip to go and look for him, sometimes I would find him and it was like he didn't care I was there. I'm not sure how to explain it, but they sure don't leave you with a warm feeling in the morning, really sets your day off to a rough start. Have your tried writing some of your thoughts down in a journal? I have done that sometimes, and it seems to help, it helps me release any tension or anxiety and I don't have to worry about sounding foolish to anyone, because it is only for me to read, some might say it might even help to write a letter to your loved one, helps to let out your emotions, and I think we all know here now that it is alright to cry. I hope your nights and dreams get better. Take Care.

Brooke

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Hi Gaby, I'm sorry to hear too that you're having a rough time. I've been pretty sad lately, too. On v-day I found myself crying a lot, and I didn't think it was going to bother me at all. I think it's sad for us because it's another painful remember that the love we had is now gone; well, not the love but the person we loved and loved us back is gone. The first couple of months, I had many dreams, some okay, some very disturbing (like digging up Josh's grave). What I did was write down everything I could remember when I woke up; I kept a journal by my bed and scribbled stuff down in that stupor when you first wake up. It was VERY interesting a couple of months down the road when the dreams eventually stopped; it was like a story of working through the problems Josh and I had to eventually re-doing the wake and funeral. And then the dreams stopped. Sometimes I wish I could dream about Josh again but I'd rather not have the dreams than have the bad ones. So maybe you could make a dream journal too and so eventually you may see the big meaning behind these dreams? Many hugs, Kelly

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Gaby,

I am at about 8 months too and things just seem to be getting harder around this time. I havnt been having nightmares but for me everywhere I go I see my past and the memories I had with Jason. It hurts to know we cannot make another memory together. I wonder why it takes so long to finally realize they are not coming back. I can tell you are hurting badly and I hope this gets easier soon. take care

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Thank you all for your posts. I actually have a journal were I used to write frequently about how I feel and just let my feelings flow, but for some reason I just let it behing, but I think it was a good therapy so I'll start with it again, and start a dream journal too. I think my body/mind is trying to tell me something, maybe I'm suppressing my feelings due to all the chores, studies, etc. I knew I wasn't the only one having this nightmares, I guess it's part of the stages in which we are going through...

I was thinking about what Chrissy said, when will we be able to realize they aren't coming back, I think part of me hasn't yet accepted the truth, I don't know if by this time I should have had... and that struggling inside of me is what is bothering in my sleep.

Well, take care all of you, lots of love,

Gaby

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Gaby,

I wish I could come through this computer and give you a hug. I can't say much about the dreams, I rarely dream about Karen, I wish I had more dreams about her. Just remember we are each on our own unique schedule. We each accept the death of our loved one at different times and there isn't a specific time frame that we need to accept the loss. It will happen one day when it is supposed to. It will happen when you least expect it. It happened for me early and I remember it to this day. Kind of a strange story. My golden retriever Sandy used to get in my bed without any problems but after Karen died she wouldn't get into my bed she would just sleep on the floor. One night as I was I was laying in bed waiting for sleep to come, it just hit me, I realized that Karen would never be in bed beside me any more, and I accepted that fact, I don't know how I accepted it I just know that I did. The very next night when I let Sandy in to go to bed I went into my room and she was sitting on my bed looking at me like, "Ok lets go to sleep, what is taking you so long?" she has slept in my bed ever since then. You are doing fine, just keep writing in your journel and coming here. May God bless you.

Love always

Derek

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