A Few Thoughts About My Journey So Far

[jc1030]

The end of this month will be half a year since my father died. Hard to believe that it's gone by this quickly. Right now, it's sad and upsetting for me to think that when 10, 20, 30 years elapse, he won't be there (at least on this earth) to witness whatever else will happen for me, good and bad.

Last month, I got into my first major argument with my mom since he died. It started with something so minor about the desk my dad used in his study room, and that my mom wanted to give it away since I initially said I didn't want it. Eventually I think what triggered everything is the fact that I'm still grieving, and it feels like everyone else is moving forward and they expect me to move forward at the same time and at the same pace. Anyway, the desk will be mine once I move into a bigger apartment.

Finally, I still haven't really been able to forgive myself. I think this comes from the fact that he died so suddenly and I never got the chance to make any kind of final peace with him. Again, not that there were any major issues between the two of us, but I wish I had that last conversation with him. Because I have no idea if I'll be able to ever see him again once it's my turn to leave this earth.

I've been visiting my dad's gravesite every couple of weeks since his marker was placed. It's sad yet comforting at the same time. I hope he's found the peace that he wasn't really able to attain the last few years of his life when his depression, paranoia and other mental problems worsened.

Edited April 20, 2007 by jc1030

[lorikelly]

Thank you for sharing with us. i to also think of 20 yrs from now all that my mom won't see. she is gone 9 mos and someday i still can't understand/accept it. i would of loved to have another child (i have 2 beautiful boys) but i won't i can't believe my mom would never meet them. i know that this sounds crazy but it is how i feel. i also suffer with guilt about all the things i could/should of done differently. oh how guilt can take a hold of you and drag you down. i try each day to just do my best and accomplish what i can. I really believe in my heart that the missing never goes away. i meet a woman yesterday that lost her mom 24 yrs ago and she cried as she talked about it. she says a day doesn't go by that she doesn't miss her.

i hope this helped, just know that we are all here for you. God Bless Lori

[RAM]

After seeing your mail, memory comes for me of my dad who departed 18 yrs back and mother 7 yrs back. I also miss my brothers and one sister when we all lived together in the last 15 yrs. And in the last one year, my wife also divorced. That leaves me with one + zero. Though I feel depressed particularly in the nights, before I sleep, the day is packed with work.

My friends who are counsellors, have advised me to go through the grief process in totality before I could recover for new bonding or new life. Some times I feel that life is so impermanent that any relationships or bonds have little meaning in them. I really like music, the soul searching devotional music from Hindu religion. I read lot of eastern philosophy which I really enjoy. My job as Management Consultant keeps me busy and with work I get lot of relief. But it is music that really gives me great relief, apart from being with nature particularly with rain forest or hills or any such area where mankind has been really kind to nature.

Warmly,

V. Ramachandran

India.

with me in life my last

[shell]

RAM,

I'm so sorry for your losses. I, too, find music to be very cathartic. It brings out my strongest emotions and makes me feel good or, lets me cry. Sometimes it gives me hope too. And nature is a wonderful healer. Hope things get better for you.

Hugs to you,

Shell